Sunday, September 22, 2019

emapthy for what i want

last nite you called said
he said
divorce. i say lawyer up.
it's the same ol story, you do and do
and do and do again
till you have to ask for help which is what
partnership's supposed to be about
and he won't. just won't. you're not
the same girl i married he said you're
just a bitch now. never wonders why
don't put himself in your place won't
back off his horse, which is skyscraper
which is mountain then he lies
to the councilor with can't
live if living
is without you  you think
wow, he really loves me he
wouldn't lie to the shrink he
couldn't sing that song
if he didn't so relax then
one night you aren't fighting 
and he calmly walks in puts
a gun  to your head  to
just let you know
 two fingers point from his
 eyes to your eyes
like he was rambo
you're in his sights the clock
is ticking.

get a lawyer . i mean srsly.
he's either gaslighting you
or going insane. and then everyone
that understands what you're
going thru will be enemy.
he's setting you up
for a drop kick. and honestly
i'd think it was dementia till
you informed me how he financially
abuses you as both your boss
and husband. so . yeah. get yourself
out of there but do it smart.


but i love him .
i don't want to divorce i want
him to love me again .
g=hate is just backside
of love so why can't we toss up
and flip it back?
i mean i know he loves me.
doesn't he?
he says i've changed, and i have
but people change
he's changed too i told him
if he can't accept that leave.
so he
says i gotta change.
gives me 3 months.
it hurts so bad

Thursday, September 05, 2019

under pressure

ba ba boom boom

like the coffee in the morning
from espresson, i think i mihgt be
heating up to blow.

it's not that you've only conscripted
my talking points, it's that now
you don't like my style.

i'll be blunt i said
if that toilet isn't done tomorrow
i'm calling someone to finish it.

your comeback is you will leave.
i don't even know how you phrased it
i think it was if you insist on continuing
to speak bluntly, i will just leave.
i'm tired of bluntness

and what got to me most is not how
angry you got , i suspect i was expecting that
it's how ready you are to just leave.
instaed of the usual fuck you i got
this bullshit and i'm telling you
you don't have to have a reason to leave.
please let's not turn this into a cycle
of diminishing returns. i can't sleep
because of you. i don't want to sleep
next to you and i can't sleep away from you.

but i can learn to again.
so yeah i just am weary of being last
in your life. unless you want sex
for that' i'm still number one
for a while at least. once you get some
money under your belt, more will
be available. and why not? i complain
about not getting kitchen help
and you say you don't get enough sex
as if that's my fault, as if the two equate.
you not helping in the kitchen is the same
as me not initiating sex? for real?
i just can't get behind that tude.
one has to eat. i'm sorry i'm in so much pain
all the time, that i'm so weary all the time
that   my libido is dead. there might be other reasons
that i'm losing attraction to you, like
you saying fuck you if you odn't like what i have to say
or you saying you will leave if my bluntness
is not something you want to deal with anymore.
i mean, that's like punching me in the gut
and it takes awhile for the pain to subside.
meanwhile i want to talk to you less and less
about what bothers me. it's all so familiar.
it scares me. and now i've almost become numb.
indifference. that will get me through. the people
who are supposed to care about me act as if i
don't exist? ok fine. numb it out.
forget how to cry.  when you finally do hear me
you turn it into "you're tired of me". as if you've
pushed it so far on purpose, just to see how i'll react
how many ptsd episodes can one weather?

it makes me so sad i can't even cry anymore.
numb. space vacuum sad.

Monday, September 02, 2019

dreams of warts

was gonna say ghosts but i changed it he
said, waiting. that's a good band name i laughed.
i have  wit, i have the ability
to be funny. yes, if you don't get daft-

you can't do it on purpose. it seems
constructed, you'll look pompous. true dat
he replied. but i don't try. so they stream
naturally,like skeeters and bats.

yuk, how long you been waiting to use that?
she scoffed. as long as the lines in your face,
he reurnted, shot her down,





this song made me cry because
it's about inner strength, and about
being bullied. and my nine year old
granddaughter identifies with it so well.
i fear it's her mom, it may be kids at school
but nevertheless, whatever it is, i can't fix it, i
can't protect her from it and she's still
so innocent and then i think well of course
she is her mom has been overbearingly
protective of her and when mom
came out to me how she must have been
sexually assaulted at a very young age
because of memories things she knew
about when she was, she now realizes,
too very young to know. so, i knew
nothing of these attacks at the time
and i asked her if she thought her dad
and she said no no i can't even recall
what it was, who it was and i don't think
i want to delve into that, because honestly
what good ?
i mean seriously this girl has been against
therapy and doctors
since her teens and she's wrong. but i have
stopped arguing with her.
her road , she's driving, and that's her choice
there, little granddaughter, hers
to fuck up as she pleases. oh lol. we all
fuk up our kids and if you don't think so you
prolly got a li'l hitler in your orange tree.
only you won't see it. all the more's the pity
when he guns down a baby because he got fired.
yeah, titanium.

Sunday, September 01, 2019

picture this

here i can't post pics

that's not my thing on this platform. i'm trying to find
a voice again, one that fits glovey
wonder if it's all me ness like the we ness on ello.

i thought about why we don't write anymore jack
and it must be because we're getting old.that and
my newest addiction, at least 5 years old now, the game.

i began playing bc my honey needs attention i mean like
a lot. at least i can listen and not have him invade the game
like he invades my writing. and why not let him in?
he thinks he wants it. until it's embarrassing. and the truth
is always embarrassing.

today you woke up in a rage, ranted about ak47s
and the people at work. said you woke from a dream of it
but you wanted to live that, standing in our living room.
how does one deal with that? i try to not take it personally.

and here i stood at the very window where the screen
was pushed into the night
 \booze couldn't change  the way
we were over, i'm editing inline jack
i have lost my voice, pin it on my body
bury it my bag ,raise it on a i can
find it again.


here's the rub. i see the same process we went thru
occurring in successive iterations with every human
exposed to the joys of social networking.
we get caught up in an alt reality, where our friends
can't talk to us face to face. no headbutts allowed
but no kissing either, yet they seem more real
than the people in real life. irl. the way we shorten
words so we don't have to type them out then
how the acronym  becomes the word used.
instead of laughing out loud in life we lol irl.
for true. haven't you done it too?

so now what? i can't join in. i can't suspend
  disbelief that the utopia we talk about is possible
that we will move physical bodies into alternate
places, that we will meet up and get along without
this glass between us. thanks first nameless internet lover.
you couldn't take the heat too, when the truth came out.
but truthfully, you were right about my writing then.
and it's not much better now., a bit less bathetic.jack
i thought you had taste but it was just a justification
to read something besides yourself. i was am so earnest.
is that the personality of the boomer?

i hate that i am
 associated with this generation.
no matter i try to protest
 i was born in the wrong time-
a tweener, they never talk
 about us, but obama fits and he
 ain't no boomer.meh
 maybe he is
he was not into  UHC.
and he now lives on martha's vineyard but
j'm  not a boomer, They
 dressed me like this
and this is not my nose, it's a carrot!
  however i understand
my demografic voted heavily
 orange last election
and it saddens me, deeply.
i don't own no boomer house,
 i don't drive no boomer suv,
i don't vote no boomer filosofy.
 save the goddamn whales?
how bout defeat
 the pacific plastic patch? someone
 do a l'il mermaid
cartoon about that.
i'll watch the grand parade safe
 in my hovel, hoping  the next
 hurricane and the one after
 misses us though someone's gotta
 pay. not you, still
  bringing the storms tone deaf
 as always, rose, you
call it straight on a lucky
streak of one
pat yourself on the back,
have another
 drink of those writer's tears
 too often it
brings an obligation
 i'd rather refuse
 so payment takes
 a backseat again.


sayonara my blessed white
space the silence between stanzas.
no more. we have to be constant
the next post, pic,  paragraph feed
the collective conscious consisting
of billions. we are stars
exoplanets quazars. constant
as a hubble on plank based diet.
that's what i told you so i can't say it
to anyone else. if i could have
i would have loved you
until tomorrow, then.


and jack, jack how are you
in your midcentury modern bed?
i wonder if i've become a meme in your poetry
the golden glow you watched
from the sidewalk, in the dark.
grab the easy rider handlebars
jump on the banana seat
shout l love you as you leave.

it's ok. we were never gonna be
anything but master and student
unwilling. my recollection
isn't the same as it used to be
the photons go white
a toolbar crops up when you need it least
the person you should be writing to
knows this for them but
it's a shame to name them.


shame. what a concept. we all act
in ways that we need to.
but you know. if not for shame
we'd all be fucking animals.
i worded that poorly. if not for shame
and consciousness of the impact
of our actions on others
we would go though life
acting out every whim from
thievery to murder. so if god as judge
is a manifestation of self consciousness
and empathy it's from necessity . without it
the human race would perish from greed.
as we are witnessing. the models
were wrong. it's coming sooner.
build an ark if you want to come out
the other side.
i cannot imagine why you would.