love language

 mine seems to be 

fixing it. no matter

what the prob, i try to find a way

to fix it. this time i can't fis

four broken ribs and hole in your lung

but i till think i can fix

how you speak to me and treat

my requests. demands. whatever.

i don't like it when you speak to me

like i'm your son. i'm not the one.

you want me to listen to you

"for once in your life". but that's ok

i almost called you my ex's name again.

not to your face, just in reference. the funny thing is

i've been saying the same about you. you don't listen to me.

when did we stop?

it took a lot for me to not just walk out

when you said that, to not break down in tears

which in my case would be letting one escape.

i don't want to be in this space, this interstice of air

and flesh. push harder, get it all out. 

instead some more stuff inside died. a captulation

to so-this-is-how-it's-going-to-be.

i won't do Fred again. i can't. 

"tell me what you hate about me

whatever it is i'm sorry

i know i can be dramatic

everybody said we had it 

made...

sometimes even good things fall apart"

it isn't you, it's me.

i think you were always this way

i didn't notice because i was so beat 

down. years of him saying no one else

would ever want you. and i stayed because

i was young annd weak. but now i'm old

and strong or maybe just tired of bearing

the weight so i prolly have that backwards i was

young and strong enough to endure the pain

but these last days have drained me. the broken arm

for which you take no cupability. 

the 6 month old mess in our yard

the laundry still hanging all week long even tho

you just put it there yesterday. the refusal 

to use your available housing during the pandemic

the neglect by you of  mine

whille yours lives with us.  asking me

to credit fund your latest collecting obsession

cuz i offered to credit fund your car's repair

instead you drive my dead dad's truck 

for the price of half the insurance.

thank you for:

cooking every night

{even though lately i've been getting my own

because frankly i can't wait for to you stop

smoking and relaxing cuz i don't eat all day

and a bowl of frosted mini wheats sounds perfect

right about now}

taking out the garbage faithfully every time.

paying the lot rent.

buying all our addictions.

finding me desirable even 

when i dont' want to be anything like that i want

to embrace my old crotchety self.

last night i stopped at ichekai for dinner

i asked for a bowl of soup and a menu 

to go. took off my glasses to study it

and the gang of guys behind the sushi bar

were jokin with the bald guy "i can't wait

to get old and cranky" and they said it a couple of times

maybe even in reference to me but i dunno

i'm not paranoid that way and i said loudly

noooooo it hurts!

you don't want that, it hurts!

and everybody clapped 

only i dont' know what they must have thought

so later

after i finish my soup and order

and put my glasses back on i look over to the bald guy

and say there! now i can hear again.

i pretend i'm invisible when i take my glasses off

so i tune everything out. 

he tells me about his vision check.

i nod. it's all mixed up 

the day after but i was typically nerdy

being by myself but the reason i 

went in to order at the counter instead of waiting

in the car in the parking lot and ordering online

was to prove to myself that i could 

go out to eat alone.

even though i was taking home

the bulk. also because i sat

at the counter and consumed soup

i left a 20% tip. i feel like

that proves my point. i can do it.

still i'll probably get take out.

****

i gotta pay some medical bills today,'

shrink my retirement fund a li'l more.

((  

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