little orange plus t

kinda done with the game

dear a's dad,

i mean you broke my heart

but i say that a lot.

i always say that. wow

my heart is resiliant i guess.

but i'm done, put it in a box

we got a key and it's under the mat

somewhere in tokyo and covered in covid.

it's not that you say i'm a bitch i mean

scientifically i was, i guess, and it's not like

i didn't want to say it, been itchin to say it 

since she took to the road.k, maybe i want

to play the bitch on tv cuz  no one who's talkin

to her is tryna get her to see it.

stop playin the wounded chile.

you gotta pull out a bit o crazy a

to survive. she don't cry

for no body. i know good

intentions is a hell in itself

so honestly i'm not better than you

girl, i just learned my lessons

faster. that's what happens

when life hits you. didn't have

my knight in armour to save me

when i needed to cray cray

so i couldn't. k. didn't . couldn't.

literally, no psychosis, just

sweeet delusion as i stroll thru

the valley of lu uh uh uv. 

so yeah, crazy get it done.

crazy go to work, save the money.

crazy keep her mouth shut

just to tune them out in the future. 

don't pretend you like me, crazee.

i won't pretend i'm sorry for you.

you made the choices. now you 

gotta live with them.

and dr a's dad

that's what i'm tellin you

cuz you make the choice

to withdraw cuz all you

want is a li'l peace and for me

to leave you alone

please just don;t sleep in my bed.

i mean i don't like to have to pretend it

doesn't bother me, doesn't 

make my endothelials crawl

worse than the rona. 

so i mean the immediate sense

of betrayal i felt from her

to call me a bitch. when i've

been (boo hoo) nothing 

but good to her i've supported her

side i've advocated for her

like a trumpster i've defended

her honor and not listened

to them when they spoke ill

though-whole truth time+

did not jump in to stop them 

because, well, it was

the truth. but oh my li'l 

drop of toxicity how you make

the heart go boom

i noticed crazy a

likes me better than sane a

and i think i'ts cuz

she got the daddy complex

multiplied by the wakening

and a wicked witch. you know

her the one

that told the truth at the christening,

listen, your parents don't love 

each other. go to sleep 

and don't wake up 

till they're dead.

a long 

time.

**

i am debating wether or not

to light a cigarette in the kitchen

which already stinks of bruzzels sprouts

salami and balsamic vinegar. she has

put a dent in the actual food

you guys bought when she got out of jail,

something besides eating both packs 

of ice cream and the coconut dark chocklate

covered almonds. she did leave your 

chocolate bar intact and it 

broke my heart 

\that you went 

#1 shopping

since you haven't had to energy to go with me

since before quarantine and 

2 didn't get any of my favorite sweets except

the one kind of cookie she likes too and then 

she opened that. i mean, as long as we're

being petty, and oh i know

i am because dinner tonight still lingers

in the air and it's the scent of crazy

atteempting to excuse herself

and you bring up the kid while i eat

half roasted brussels sprouts

doused in balsamic glaze over

penne pasta tossed with sliced

mini salami and some kinda we gotta

do something with this chicken thing

to which you add going bad sALSA

at least it's what you make

mr a's dad think because i said

i thought it was better

because i like the salsa taste

better than the balsamic

which permeates the air still

even though you are gone

and he is lying on my bed

asleep and now i have to go 

in there and pretend like it

doesn't make my skin crawl because

your shit is all over the guest bed

and he is snoring.

i'm sure he's glad i left him alone.

mr. a's dad. 

so yeah, i do think i'll have

a cigarette in the kitchen after all.

so yeah, she left her mess

for someone else to clean up 

again and i'm done with her.

and you just keep saying you'll leave.

so i mean, you know, just

go. i don't think you can break my heart

anymore so it's time .

Dear abbi

D r a, I know that I have to say this to you and I really don't care if you want to hear it or not. You have a choice and this is your last time to make. Your last time to decide if you want to be a mama or an artist. Quote unquote. And I mean that sincerely. You do not know how to tattoo you do not know how to pierce. You do know how to serve, apparently, but the Cove it has killed that industry.

So what you going to do sweetheart? I mean mama is hard. The heart gone rain on your head. When your mama it is hard. So yeah we can't go to that concert you wanted to go to oh, because you can't bring your kid. You tell me you want a free-range kid. I think all that means is that you want a ragdoll to hang on to while you party.

Come on man have an identity that to another human being. Your child does not have to be consequence out of your messed up childhood.

So I mean it's going to be hard. You're going to have to give up the street drugs. I mean if you want to be a mama. But if you want to be an artist button quote and quote and"

5 what I mean is if you want to be an artist, then you will be alright with the drug life the fact of life the thug life. Cuz you know patrons come in all calibers. And that says place for a child. Only the child in you who cannot grow up. It's not fair take a little one on that trip with you. And if that's what you want to do then go to it.


Somebody wants that baby. Somebody's going to take care of that baby like it's their own. And you need to stop having babies and start dating yourself. Start babying yourself. I mean that's what the Epiphany is all about isn't it? Going for that cross in the deep water, reaching for the clean gleam. Grabbing it. Surfacing.

au naturel

i'm sitting here, skin exposed
dancing with my insides
there's nothing going on at a certain point.
everything that was entering
has exited and i'm a straw
witness to transition
hearing nothing
indian food in the background.

sailor language, flags waving
it's like help me stay with this
could be how can i help you?
you gotta get over this sense
of ownership, how one's body
could belong.

we are all wearing masks
some of them made of skin.

daytime fireworks

was tempted outside by thunder
2 feet away, the crack kind that would
blind you just a li'l closer outside.
we need the rain here, this spot.
even the weedilia is drooping, face
 dealing with county jail calls
coming or going it's hard to connect,
defeated again, another day in the heat.

sun's super hot behind cotton puff skies.
sahara dust finally swept away, still
the animorphic gas refuses to give-
even blackened by lightning. this
is when golfers get hit. no rain no pain
is the stoic mantra, but they hold rods
in their hands and swing. the flash
doesn't announce, faster than boom.

the weather's safe, they say. until
the contrails start conversing. criss crossed
behind a poodle nodding to olive oyle,
the tale is hashtagged believable. un
believable. gas solidifies in the cold.
vapor is a solid you can walk thru.

(


the cell is nacreous. daytime, nightime
he just told you, flat out, you're staying.
you admit you used. you're a user.
need a butterfly effect = match
mattress, mess. not even a vape for escape.
they don't want you to die in here
but they don/t care if you do.


)


dear, my dear.
no i will not bail you out. look at where
your decisions have led you. not even 40
to get released. not even. four months
ago you had thousands in the bank, enough
to pay your release 100 times over.
where are your fair friends now, huggin a pipe.
they don't know where you are and it scares them.
but one thing's for sure. second chances are
only got one time. dependent on how  much
you can take.









+

yesterday i swept the porch
today the cat needs petting.
dead fur flying in the wind
gathers at the screen door
reaching for the outside.
my phone pings with pics
of fireworks signalling freedom
signalling all the places
we left behind on a gamble.