a thoussand i just can'ts

 i guess i needed some poetry

in my life cuz am i writing indeed?

problem is i wasn't and the catalyst

just came to my door begging charity again

and i just can't 

without some apology  humility

and a little less woe is me

cuz bitch you did this to yourself

you let someone else put it in the trash

but you the one lit the match.

there's a word for that. 

a little apology is all i need 

you begged like a child i followed you wild

with all the things i didn't get to say or write

buried inside, composting to rot 

to throw in your face, vomited out

no help, it was like it was brought 

innto being to satisfy drama, the tragedy

being it was all so dramatic. like a terrier

i nipped, i hung on, rabid fox to drive you away

so i wouldn't get caught once again holding on to

the poison in my gut. i spewed it at you

a skanked out druggie and thief 

with no more regard than shit on a leaf.

you cried to me about basic humanity

it goes both ways, you threw coffee on me.

turns out what i'd done in my haste to retreat

is threw water filled ashtray upon your sweet feet.

then didn't apologise like i should

so you yelling cunt at me , totally understood.

i didn't care, didn't say sorry so you didn't want to talk

then i pushed your buttons by drilling with chalk.

i wanted you gone, i'm not gonna lie. unless you could

see things for a minute from my eyes. all the things

i couldn't say to you for so long, i said them loud

enough for you to hear as you sat in the car,

you must have wanted to , you didn't walk to

the pool, just 2oo yards down the way. waiting for daddy

or some other man to the rescue, girl you see this?

he'll choose you, always apologizing for all the wrongs

done to you when he could have stopped them, 

too late now, he'll be paying forever. i'm second.

and i just can't with the grandchild under my roof

and i just can't with another family taking my roost

how to cuckold your own self, that's what this about

giving for love while your children starve , are without.

they no kin of mine is guiding along.

mine need help, it needs to be available.

i'm done with this bullshit. disrespectful of me.

and all i have done for his family. playing lost

and alone don't take that from me, i just can't

anymore, i got my own to fee.

outside my window, the neighbors

are quiet for a moment. they heard it all of course.

normally  it's them that won't leave each other alone,

my whole point to her was respect. her whole point to me

was the same. he said i was disrespectful from the beginning

i told him what about the previous dialog, just 2 seconds before

i spit out, bitch! you need to own your actions. 

she was crying and i wanted her to know i had no sympathy

for her loss because she had five days to take care of it and for

whatever reasons, she didn't. so she lost it all. what the fuck she think 

was gonna happen? but all i said was

well you need to own your actions for that, it was all your doing.

and she said i don't want to talk about that i mean i lost

(trashed my mind screamed) my mouth said

bitch etc. without hesitation . it was instinctual. 

so after that it was on. i lost it. i was gonna have my voice heard

i was gonna hassle that bitch for being in my house and pretending

that she didn't need to listen to what i was saying because she 

has basic humanity and i don't get to talk to her if she don't wanna listen.

nope

nope nope nope

if you want to sit in my chairs or stand on my grass

then i will be there to hassle you and tell you

that throwing coffee on purpose at me

is not acceptable, walk away bitch go over

to the pool it's 300 yards away. why

are you still on my propery you cunt you bitch

and he says you don't need to call names so i began to say

the truth, you junkie, you thief who has no record adjudication 

withheld if you can just manage to stay out of jail and not

violate probation, i was feeling sorry for you for having a dick

of probation officer but he prolly saw your hubris and wanted 

to take y ou down a peg. then i stand in your way, not give ground

you want to push past me though you could turn around and go the other way

but you don't.

and i'm standing beside you telling you could walk away or we can talk

but if you're on my

you're yelling go away bitch go away from me then 

wham

you hit me upside the head with your bag and what

the fuck does that thing have in it? i have  a bruise

internal from it, wondering if i should go the urgent care

and get it xrayed cause it hurts still and my vision seems

a bit wonky but still i sit outside smoking a cigarette

not even realising that this whole incident would violate 

your probation immediately

cuz i just don't call the cops for every little squabble

like you threatened to when i knocked the cigarette butt

of mine that you were stealing from the ashtray 

out of your theiving mouth.

but then you realized what would happen and didn't.

i just now understood why. you could say i'm slow but i'd argue

that i just come from a different set of priorities where

legit, assault means you CAN call the cops, but should you?

and that wasn't legit. again, your lips were collateral damage

to me removing my unasked for cigarette from your mouth.

not my intention...

but i'm sorry. didn't mean to hit you.

i guess i'm about wrote out now. i have to take this experiment

back to the corporate store and not leave till the contract's cancelled.

take a shower maybe make a second cup of coffee , i keep smelling it

all over my dress..