this sordid

 we make our choices

pretending we are the only ones

to be affected by them.

self replicating harm into each new lens

the warp of the plastic cast through 

too much heat. fragile

mini beings in the now i want

love and peace for all of you

but i have my addictions

food of tears, flood of years.

we have turned other pains

into ecstacy. ex stacy i began 

with the thought of her losing a child

to the carelessness of the system

how you wimped on the situation , absurd

verbs explaining the incohate mess of conception

we all become. 

let me give  you an intimate 

tour of my recovery boudior

nicotine yellow walls:4

doors blue:1

doors flamingo:1

windows blinded, curtained in orange: 2

men's wardrobe, art nouveau, brass fittings(unpolished) missing 2 insets 

on the west wall, next to a reclaimed 1940s walnut wardrobe, ambisexual

through the flamingo door is the bathroom containing the usual

but my home has been the toilet.

they say this procedure is very painful but it's not. they put you under, you don't feel a thing

it's the recovery that's the prick in your ass. a hot poker type

the kind that you said no to and 7 days later it's still goin on.

make that 15. a fortnight. but this too shall pass

so even though i've not been working or cooking or taking

care of anything or anybody but myself i still havent wanted to write

because i mean really what good does whining do

it's not even distracting, it's amplifying.

if every thought is a thwarted sensation i'd love to hear 

your rape epiphanies, emil.

they tell me things like addicts are forever.

i'm smoking in the house again and so are you.

xo

xo

yesterday i broke down crying because 

i have to care about your choices because you are an addict

and the boy is not to blame. that my motherhood days

are not over is a complete pissoff to me. i mean i'm stupid 

15 year old mad about it.  that which you resist persists

etc. but i'm kinda positive his mom's never gonna get it together.

her drug of choice is anything. have you met her? have you looked

at her, sitting in jail for something so minor? it's not like you're

a dealer-just a low ball user. sure it was enough to kill you

if you took it all at once but that the beauty it was enough for a week!

the recovery is that painful. dand i don't think you're gonna do it.

you are not strong enough because you really , really don't want to.

after spending five hours with him, you had to take a break in the bathroom.

a li'l  nod out. then arrested the next fucking day, yeah you ain't coming back.

ha ha

i get to be his momma now. how you like that ya cunt?

###

on the south wall, beside the flamingo door

a mid century modern unrestored cabinet in burled wood

sits next to a tall calypso blue and white wicker lingerie chest

upon which a green mid century modern glass jade globed 

reproduction lamp presides over the array of pain

and life sustaining  half- capped  meds.

dresser mirror disconnected from its mate years ago

now mounted over the cabinet needs deep cleaning

antique white of the seventies represent .

some moments the aleve seems to be taking

then i move and it all comes back

so i decide to do a load of wash or get a bowl

of cereal, eat the left over steak. i'm afraid to eat

because that means digestion and elimination

but i don't fast well.

india

yes niece i do know the book

you have in mind. i had no idea you knew

about it. a history, i think, of the family

you think? honestly auntie you haven't read it

and it's been in your posession for over 20 years? i guess

librarians don't have to read the books they mind.

i believe it's still around, i hoped to copy it one day

use your smart phone

..put it on my list to find and copy

use your smart phone

..one of a kind..never published

it's our history, auntie, no one else

cares. there's money there

 can you use 

your smart phone and take pics

that way you won't have to go

to the store and subject the book's

spine to the ignomy of the copy machine.

please, pictures. you have

a smart phone?

your children?

a lot on my plate at the moment.

*

niece,

i have found the book 

took it to an antique dealer you 

were right, it's not worth much,

except historically, agewise you know

perhaps you could help me with my back issues

 i can't find a way to get the book to you

it's way  too much effort to copy it.

auntie, 

how can i help? i can take it off your hands

for a few hundred bucks. family discount ya know

i would only rent it, return it to you after i take pictures

because i know how tedious that process can be.

as i recall the book is hefty. written tightly 

on both sides? i didn't get to hold it long

but grandpa showed it to me one time

when i told him i wanted to be a writer.

can you see your way to letting me borrow 

or rent it? the name of the author,

what do you know about her? perhaps

you can read it and paraphrase it to me

in missives between us if you don't want to use

the magic of the internet and phones...

niece,

i would love to let you borrow it

on the condition that you sign a note

  for a small sum per diem. just to establish

true ownership

auntie, you can't read it in the grave

i fear letting it transport through the mail

 with a father who was a postmaster, your fear is ironic and disrespectful

so if you provide air fair for my next trip

first class, no mask?

to your state i can bring it along 

and give it to you when you pick me up

at the airport in a city near you.

naturally you will book in city x instead

of the international airport in my city.

will you require any special transport needs:

colostomy bags, wheelchair accessibility, a sense of empathy?

looking foward to the reunion.