Thursday, September 05, 2019

under pressure

ba ba boom boom

like the coffee in the morning
from espresson, i think i mihgt be
heating up to blow.

it's not that you've only conscripted
my talking points, it's that now
you don't like my style.

i'll be blunt i said
if that toilet isn't done tomorrow
i'm calling someone to finish it.

your comeback is you will leave.
i don't even know how you phrased it
i think it was if you insist on continuing
to speak bluntly, i will just leave.
i'm tired of bluntness

and what got to me most is not how
angry you got , i suspect i was expecting that
it's how ready you are to just leave.
instaed of the usual fuck you i got
this bullshit and i'm telling you
you don't have to have a reason to leave.
please let's not turn this into a cycle
of diminishing returns. i can't sleep
because of you. i don't want to sleep
next to you and i can't sleep away from you.

but i can learn to again.
so yeah i just am weary of being last
in your life. unless you want sex
for that' i'm still number one
for a while at least. once you get some
money under your belt, more will
be available. and why not? i complain
about not getting kitchen help
and you say you don't get enough sex
as if that's my fault, as if the two equate.
you not helping in the kitchen is the same
as me not initiating sex? for real?
i just can't get behind that tude.
one has to eat. i'm sorry i'm in so much pain
all the time, that i'm so weary all the time
that   my libido is dead. there might be other reasons
that i'm losing attraction to you, like
you saying fuck you if you odn't like what i have to say
or you saying you will leave if my bluntness
is not something you want to deal with anymore.
i mean, that's like punching me in the gut
and it takes awhile for the pain to subside.
meanwhile i want to talk to you less and less
about what bothers me. it's all so familiar.
it scares me. and now i've almost become numb.
indifference. that will get me through. the people
who are supposed to care about me act as if i
don't exist? ok fine. numb it out.
forget how to cry.  when you finally do hear me
you turn it into "you're tired of me". as if you've
pushed it so far on purpose, just to see how i'll react
how many ptsd episodes can one weather?

it makes me so sad i can't even cry anymore.
numb. space vacuum sad.


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