Company dinner

 IISo I went because I was asked several times if I was coming and it seemed like since this was a fifth anniversary and they always celebrate every 5th anniversary that I probably should because they were probably going to give me a box of candy and a balloon for working for them for 35 years underpaid but appreciated sort of like family. I even wore my Sapphire and Diamond chip bracelet that I got for my 30th.

The president comes up and introduces something new he says we're going to honor the 30th anniversary of my good friend and the man who got me my job at this company the Cable Guy Randy lay. I looked at my sapphire and diamond chip bracelet and wondered what am I chopped liver? And then I realized I am.

I have always been a thorn in their side. Like the one that pricked Jesus on the cross so they know they need to tolerate me because Jesus did. I had been talking all night to one of the board members who sat beside us at dinner. It was quite by accident but I took advantage. Told him about the way we used to be a family but it's not like that anymore and he said well changes inevitable. And I guess if that's how you look at it then all the bodies piling up under the bridge don't really matter do they? Nothing I say is going to matter. He even told me so said this is just a casual conversation. Oh well let me casually mention my lack of a raise this year and let me casually mention the money that's being lost and really I forgot to do that so that's my bad. That's on me. I guess they'll find out soon enough. I just want them to last long enough for me to retire.

So after they gave the last box of candy out I was still kind of waiting for them to call me up for my service of 35 years but they didn't. They started the Dance Floor. So I kind of walked over to one of the owner sisters who I have a semi relationship with and said thank you so much for this sapphire and diamond chip bracelet for my 30th anniversary. This is my 35th Anniversary and they didn't even mention it. Then I didn't wait for her answer and walked away as if I were the ghost they want me to be. Went to the bathroom came back out and found head of HR and told her wow it's my 35th Anniversary and you guys didn't say anything so f*** you all. Then I turn around and there's the president of the company all alone watching the dancing and I went over and I said while pointing my fingers and f*** you too. And then I walked out because I was going to cry. But when I walked out I didn't cry. I'm happy about that. My honey had saved the little framed description of my job or attitude at work that I'm sure nobody except the person who found us in gave it to my honey read. Everyone that works at the company had one made for them and they were displayed on all the tables . I suppose the game was you were supposed to find the named person and give them their framed description . Honey took mine off the table when I purposely left it there. I was kind of upset that HR wouldn't see that but at least I left the goodie bag. I took the frame from him and threw it on the ground really hard. It broke satisfactorily. When we got to the car he told me he had saved the print. I took it from him and tore it into four pieces. I'm going to burn them in the morning.

cutting limes by candlelight

 so there was a hurricane through my

dad's and sister's places tho it was sposed

to be coming thru my hood.  dint.

i was thinking

of playing the lottery on 02 22

or maybe 20 2022 but i believe

all the good luck coming my way

was used 

on the storm. i don't mind.

a tuxedo cat comes up on my porch

while my cats are hanging with me.

marmalade growls. i tell tux to leave but

he's stubborn. i like him too. but he just rude

picks fights with the torti, harshes the buzz 

playing on the smoke and water. where's my water?

every thought is thwarted sensation

emil is correct. my sensations

are shortness of breath and burning

in my shoulders. my hips. my gut.

selah, take another drag.

my sister got a dog so she don't need me anymore.

i wanted to ask her if we are still coming to NC

on my birtday but prolly not. might as well be prepared now

for that eventuality. 

so i was thinking about writing and how

it needs a voice or i was thinking about voice

and how it needs an ear and i was thinking

of irrellevancy and how it's here, thinking 

of writing to someone, dear , that may hear

this thinking out loud thru cypher and beer.

have one. i don't mind/ 

so if a tree falls

annd no one hears it

and no one ever finds its skeletal

remains, stripped of leaves, bark melting

in a crumble of dust ants carry off the sap

if no it is not heaerd

did it leve? of course it did.

object permanence/impermanance is the same thing

photons of dead trees, discover, are proof of those

that fell silent from human consciousness but there's 

so much more than our puny ears.

listen. there's a hum lies under it all

and here we are wobblingg a tightrope

thru space. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

the thrill of it when i am not the trampled ant.

a rube goldberg machine without end. 

the sound of the captured bird, mimicing 

the insta notification on my phone. scramble

to acknowledge. the boys will be coming home soon.

and i don't wanna deal though the sudafed

and weed have done trixied my head into 

don't give a damness on the pain.

no gain in lying in bed when you're not sleeping.

i'm just so fucking tired. it might been ok 

to go home with ian. i don't know.