i wanted to write outside but my battery died.

i called off sick today

and its true, i wanted to vomit

at the thought of going in

so i said i did

to a machine with no acknowedgement

that it was ok. it just needs to be ok

i'm almost to the point of i don't care

about anything. i think they call that depression

or freedom. i remember us talking about

attachment and how

it causes pain, even 

when joyous.

*

maybe i'm just attached to breathing,

*

spohie says the meaning of life 

is uncondittional love. 

i'm still fabergasted that 

anyone can find a meaning.

*

but we need it now

love

who is this we 

we are but one

unconditonally attached to how

this being is going. riding the wave baby.

yeah i'm stoned but not feeling it

samhadi, the oneness or 

maybe feeling it but

not with the scream of a hawk.

more with the ennui of a jaded god

which tells me there's something 

was gona say more but no

different. it's the sameness that's killing me.

how i'm locked into this role due to someone

else's choices. but no. not. i'm not imprisoned

no one has the key but me. i could go off

i could get somewhere where i could ignore

any hint of obligation 

yet there i would still be

wanting to breathe. wanting to eat,

wanting to smoke a cigarette.

obligation to the body i can't release.

honey says he's got suicide ideation all

his life. but he thinks it's morally wrong.

i don't have that quandry. mine is pure fear

of the unknown. so why pull so hard

against my willing slavery?

accept it woman. x years a slave. 

think of it as payback for being an owner. 

 bezo's gonna come back 

a mutilated indian street beggar.

i mean, if karma's actually anything like

it's portrayed. i hope to be a cow in india

why india? it seems like that's where all the souls

are congregating. no one child policy there.

and cows are not eaten by humans. they're even protected

more than u.s. cats. so it appears that india

is a hotspot of change. i seem to prefer change

though i bitch about that too. 

wait wait i just said i don't  like the unknown

how then can i say i like change? i'm a walking contradiction.

mostly to myself. i keep the slave pattern around others

cuz that's what ppl  are comfortable wtih. 

i'm in the house jill built

it's my house

and i want to go outside to smoke

because it's socially unacceptable 

to smoke inside, esp when housing child.

if i could do it without being found out

i would . such a fucking coward.

and i'd write outside except

all my batteries are dead. i don't understand

how that happened. i keep waiting

for the whole damn machine to die. or the screen

there are 2 wiring tabs sticking out from it

that only seem to affect the tablet action.

i'm scared to take it apart because

i don't have money for a new one.

lol, and i say i fix things. i'm a repairman.

right.

*

hells bells i can't even walk for 10 minutes

without struggling for it, breath. breatheeee

*  

the weather is bipolsr

last night 49 today 73

it's ludicrous. humanity's on the brink

anyway. maybe the late georgia guidestones

were prophetic. i kn ow they were meant to be.

or maybe just a poem sent out from the eighties

to what would be the inevitable end 

because we are all noah's neighbors now.

and frankly, god had nothing to do with it.

*

so now i am

outside. some battery charging

went down. there's a car

running, making co2 redolent

scents on the breeze. smelll the warrming.

inside its dusty, dim, disastrous 

guillt rises quicker than the gulf

between us; oceans to the side

imperceptibly creep

into my windows 

like the neighbor kids eyes

vacuum cleaners fill the air with song

designed to breed shame.

but it's not taking 

i keep writing i 

light the bong or

another cigarette

sit thru the ebb and flow

of this winter storm

i've been needing to have a day off

ever since i found out about the septic tank.

which adds a whole stress level to the slave book

but really worker b

do slaves even have stress? just

do your job man

do your job

the whip and the lash

are expected, welcomed to show

you the errors of your ways thinking

you could buy yourself out of this.

money is for the free.

*

all of this beating around the bush.

you took a day for therapy. 

therapize!

i feel so broken.

i feel like i should have

a different attitude to all these issues.

the dadness , a child, fostering but not

my own grandkids. just paying money

to keep them away. how i can't deal

with the life she chose for them

even tho i'm at fault. i mean if i'd

turned her down at 22

would she still have birthed the others?

why do i feel like she's that stupid?

she has autonomy and choses wrong

about so many things. is it because she is a 

narcissist. plain and simple. made that way

but once cast, no undoing?do we really have

no free will?

asks the woman lamenting her fate

and her inability to say no to her flesh

and mean it.

9

so i stumbled on this post

about the mathematical explanantion

upon the way the waveforms work

and though i'm not sure of the validity

of the mathematics

i will say that we can create our own 

realities to an extent.

rock in the pond thing. 

but truth is, it's not a still pond

and all the rocks are falling all the time

so how to quell those actions

how to become oil. or wind or

see they're so small and evanescent

the changes that occur. easily cancelled.

easily lost. you have to keep drropping them 

in the same spot

over and over

but don't forget time

and how they move

the target how the target moves

but stays in the same place

relative to you

how mathematically

you can never reach there

but the waves can take shape

and shape other waves so

maybe there is something to that way

of thinking. i wish i could believe it

so it would happen.

the curse of the semi rational mind. 

*

as i sat here outside

after opening all the available

windows here come the clouds.

send in the clouds. 

and the kids are home. and the husband is home

and time for doing is nigh.

*

when you read this again, months

even years from now just know

that i hope future me is ok

with these decisions. i hope you're

not living under a bridge i hope

the girls got better i hope you paid

off everyone i hope you bought your freedom

with enough life left in you

to want to keep breathing 

to want to dance.