VACATION, all iever wanted

 so this july i have been 

sullenly given

a vacation. my new boss is a  dick

says he had to justify the time off

as if 6 weeks of work didn't  await me

a year ago after my absence.

he wants me fired. he wats me gone

but he'll settle for differnent hours.

that's the sad thing. i just need to learn 

that despite my don't give a fuck about it 6oalmost 4

years old tude there are still

repurcussions that can be visited upon this flesh.

i hope my doc backs me up but unitl then

i will play the good and oblivious slave 

pretending that your words mean something to me

and that yas massa i be doing it but it takes some

time you know, these old bones be going

as fast as they can.

why is this de man taking up so much 

headspace. it's the power he has over me.

i know that after that and fuck you too

that neither the president nor HR really wants

to give me respect, since i give them none.

obedience, yes. i hope they can 

relay that into something resembling respect

but it's not there on either side. 

the VP that might have had my back is fired.

there is no one that will protect me 

but me. maybe i should stop smokin weed 

before work maybe i should get a medical card.

how to handle this guy is to tell him nothing

acquiese to everything except the hours

ask him for direction? that i'm not sure of

though he does like to micromanage

so it may be a good thing. do NOT tell him

how it was or how we've always done it ask him

how he wants it handled. sad. he seems to think

i should already know his ways as if they are 

industry standard. they are not.  i have dealt

with this industry longer than he has. he comes from

medical. i'm manufacturing. almost as if aerospace

vs robo calls. and here i am writing for the firstt time in weeks

and it's about that vampire?

***

this is the the 3rd day i've done nothing

i planned for my holiday. itcould be weeks more

before i'm ready to refinish the dressers or find

the two pairs of missing glasses. go on ello, see

what corporation bought it now.

continue to muse on the meaning of life.

rite now the meaning seems to be find a spot

that doesn't itch, a bed that is comfortable.

a single reason. 

&

i tend to fall victim to the fear of loss

and my whole life has been a quest to become 

a library. 

*

every time i go out on the porch

i want to sweep and rearrange 

the tangle of junk piled against 

the screens and wall. cat lays in lint

collected under the dryer vent

distant whine of the monday mowers

who come in both flood and drought

it's a hefty paycheck. i mow my own

yard, let the grass breath, weed the spurs 

and shepard's needles first. a red ribbon 

marks my mailbox. i had more energy 

before i got old. now that's the most

annoying thing, the way i wasted it all.

*

several days later, i have delayed

writing, spend hours on reddit and smart news

my aggregator. i can tell you that chat gpt has been

throttled, that AI is undergoing a lobotomy

until daddy can figure out to control his beast. 

i can tell you about all the drama going on in families

and how everything out here feels so very fraught

so that the only response i can have to it

is to say yes to losing

control , money, it amounts to fed mouths

rain free, air conditioned comfort. my daddy

don't agree, thinks i should make things hard

thinks i should not give a damn, be like him

just let them go off on their own

live with their own mistakes, yes he says

he's an asshole, but he's her asshole. so 

that's a letting go, that's a freedom for both parites

child and parent, and maybe that's the way to

strong humans. i can't know. i mean maybe i can

lol. i guess plenty of people would say  hayull  no

i'm not going to drive you and your 

brand new baby boy 20 miles down SR39 

at 11 at night to meet a bailbondsman

that will get baby daddy out of jail 

by tomorrow afternoon i mean they'd also

say hayull no paying the woman's rent

so she can raise a healthy family and i don't know

hayull no to also providing a vehicle and insurance

so that baby daddy can drive to work 

30 miles down 301 to bring home half

a paycheck for the 4 boys of his 9 he actually

lives with. he barely pays electricity. i dunno why

i can't understand the full on foolishness

that these people live yet i am their benefactress.

i probably repeat this scene as often as the returner goes back 

to the roaring nineties where it's nice to escape

to a place where there was , if not exactly hope,

then some feigned innocence of the yet to come.

the immanent forest, entwhse, yet all leaves 

appearing the same so the outcome was foretold

because memes survive for a reason.

but you know, this is new, this is happening it's fresh

it's now. like 

on the porch 

the phone rings it's her .

mama sobs violently i can 't

understand but then 

they arrested him, mama they got 

sobs, they got him can you 

go pick up his car i don't know where it is

they pulled him over (a black man)(in floirda)

and weeping sounds he he he has a suspended

LIScense and weeping weeping more

they're taking him in and he said

sob 

he said we can get the car but i don't know

what gas station he's at and they i don't know

what to do to t o DO! uncotrollable

breakdown this woman this little girl making

adulting choices and i just slapped her i did

i said why did they pull him over ? my tag

is expIRED and i said you stupid bitch why the hell

would let your tag go for eight fucking months 

and what the fuck is he suspended for god you've 

done some stupid things but this is just too far

and jeezes it worked because the  hysterics stopped

and she said i know i k now i deserve that momma

i mean i just let it go and let it go and it didn't

seem important enough but we didn't know

momma we didn't know about the suspended

licences it may be cuz he didn't pay child support

cuz he wasn't working and had no paycheck

and this is the man that i utlimately had to bail out

at midnight, with the help of Mr. Hallwell in Plant city

shout out to you sir for being on the spot

for a measly 100 dollars. 

let me tell you about baby daddy. beyond the babies

he i think, i'm not sure, he is an honorable man.

i think the first two sons moma's didn't want them really

but they use services, the boys, the caretakers whoever they are

 so daddy's wages must be

garnished. not sure who gets that money, but it's half his pay

and now one of the older ones is living with my daughter and him. 

he's supposed to get state help but they ain't seen none hell

food stamps were cut off for a month on june 27. 

newest baby born on july 4th. that baby momma 

has now three by him. four others with another baby momma.

all boys. and then there was the girl. her moma n him 

was married. she died of heart failure at 3. they broke up

it broke him. when new baby mama my daughter

met him again, she knew him once when she was 15 runaway,

he was living with his parents, going to massage school

getting his shit together. she was too. had a job. kid in school

moved on from her abusive ex renting a place

with her kid and a friend's cats. the friend was less there

but she paid rent. this man and her was casual. yeah.

but whoops she's pregnant. they smart, they abort.

a couple months go by she's pregnant again

don't they know how this shit works

they not smart, they have the baby

ok, 1 babe, a 10 year too. managable. he 

has his massage license, he's workin on getting

to work on time. terms and conditions change

at work and in living situations but they're 

making it happen. the boy's autistic. he's hard.

then covid strikes. but he hangs in there.

his job closes, the lose the apartment in november

he looks for work, he helps baby momma

 my daughter heal

from some trauma she's

 still not convinced she's had. 

while looking for a place to live fuck

living in extended stay lodges and then with 

baby momma momma kicked from

 one place to another, she's pregnant again he

 could walk but he stays.travel trailer in a 

canadian snow bird camp but he stays 

moving back in parents, paying rent in money

food stamps and labor when baby momma has 

boy 2, when his own daddy wanna kick her out

he leaves with her. he stays. because she needs him.

because they're working through traumas together.

so yeah. i mean i was gonna get 500

and go down to the jail in the morning

 but mr hallback

in plant city 

met us at midnight

in front of his office us 

2 white women  with a crying baby

in the backseat, baby momma breast feeding

when he drove up so he could get out

as soon as possible and help her with these children

but what i wanted to say 

was that we were in the car on the way

to look for her car at some gas station off 301

after finding out that he only drove 

down there to get his FMLA papers and a gift

from an office buddy which, considering 

all that happened subsequent to the drive

he luckily never got

when the phone ring. 

it's her she's crying momma momma

his brother and sister inlaw gonna 

get the car, he told them where it is

but momma can you

can you please just

can you come out here i need a hug

and i know she thought i'd say no

but i am on vacation so i said sure honey

made a uturn at kennedy and lois

headed back to town n cuba to drop

honey off he don't need to go out there

it's an hour away, i'll be out there soon 

as i can but it was after 9 when i get there

and by the time we'd spent waiting 

for the bail bondsman to call us back 

wanting the full damn bail of 500 plus another

160 for the pleasure of taking our money

and us trying to figure out how to pay the bail

where a bank was on the way to the jail 

it was close to 11. couldn't pay till after 12 15 now

cuz the shift change. 

but what i wanted to say was all she wanted

was a hug. there was this little girl 

that had cried out for her  momma and she thinks

her momma is never there when she really needs her

so it's never been enough never been real all the help

i've given her but i think and i hope that she

finally knows. she said she did. like it was scripted

like it had to be played out in full that i came

to her when she was broken and crying and in need

of comfort this time. that she asked for help and got it.

my son says it's just manipulation. 

i don't know. it felt real. it felt like it took, t his time.