at the level of macro every thing degrades

stopped by your place tonite, kittens
running around, their mom, barely grown herself
looking for a pat on the head, eyes as circular
as the full moon past,aquaesque
balloons full of water from a lake we swam in once

we have to keep in touch, like a song excavating itself
from a cover too close the original, a plaster
of paris recompense for ideal only half hopeful, a disney
sewer rattish cast. ya know what i mean? doubt it
but i'm glad you're having a good time growin up. me, i'm
sorry i'm so old to do this now. heh. but
whatevers. so much to learn, so little time.
blossoming right before the bush falls to dust.
such is the fate of the procrastinator. suddenly
the battery runs out, the coupon's expired, the show's
sold out baby, there's only the lesser known &
preachified scrapings to slip your pink tongue into.
what the hell do i mean? post existentialism
as a means of survival i guess. cynicism recycled
into a positive spin on greed. i dunno. but i loved
a lot, if too little. i got mines you get yours
is the buzzword of the day. anyway, we , you and i
were talking about sync w ith sex.sync out you said
interlaced connections and fractals
building from factoids believed in.
the choices out there!
the redheads and the thirty somethings
the possibilities to explore now you got your head
out of my tits. it's a good thing. i like
being your friend. we would have never worked out.
lol.

stars lose their grip

this song by dawn kinnard
clear the way
is exactly how i feel about you.
it's just a slap on the wrist.
her voice has just the right pathos
for the tumbling dark
i go thru after.

so. why keep doing it? drug
addict. keeper of false hopes.
moonfaced rabbit. no, i
guess i just have to do it
over and over until it stops.
i know it can. i got over you
more than once. i'm getting
better at it. it's just this wave
is a a big double roller reiterating
every weekend, i got my skim board but
i feel like the time
we were at cocoa beach and the waves
smacked me down, spanked me and i feel
like the time we were swimming to caladesi
and the riptide carried us out
you yelling me calling
for calm, dolphins on the way to rescue
or the sailboat on the second time down.
my apocalyptic friend. until tomorrow then
and i feel like the dark green
storm surge in englewood
where you didn't go with me,
ever, like a wave aching for the beach
or like dawn says, it's like stars lose their grip
it's a slap
on
the
wrist.

not so secretly addicted

to joining dating sites.
much of what i see is not
what i want and apparently
vice versa. everyone, including
men my age whom i've dated
is now telling me to date younger.
yah right. how much younger?
see, if they're in their twenties
they're cougar hunters, i don't
believe i'll find many more
like the x2ybf, who even today
agrees with me, we coulda been if...
and even then once is enough to prove
what i knew anyway
so under say 32
they just want some instruction
or bragging rights. to the first
i'd say read a book, find the clit,
to the second i say look, it's no
big deal to bag a cougar in heat
we're the ones who should have
bragging rights. and we do. oh yah.
actually, i don't make a very good
cougar. i want to be attracted
to his mind as well as his looks.
what a joke, right, cuz cougars
just go for the meat. and i get all
squeamish goin after the younguns cuz
well, i know how i feel about that.
so, i just tease them. now, the thirty to young
forty somethings are either ready to settle
down and begin a family OR are endebted
to the ones that they are no longer members of.
so, that leaves men my age. who are recovering from
a)drugs
b)alcohol
c)the beatings their ex's gave them.

nice choice, ay fellow tween divorcees?

unfortunately for me i've never had a spark
for older men. except my first. but that
doesn't count cuz today he'd be listed as a predator.
so the addiction continues. it's kind of interesting
to watch the profiles run down the page, esp on yahoo
where people use what i'm assuming are their actual first
names. i however did not. use my first name. but the amounts
of daves and bills and mikes is astounding. i'm sure i'd
find the same on women's profiles but i'm not looking.
i can get it from context. another thing about
the dating sites is how everyone's wanting long term
how ninety percent are actively LOOKING for long term
but no one wants to throw frogs against the wall
they all want to throw the nightengales. and there are
so many good men, mr rights,mr standups, mr i could be the one
mr looking for love, mr romantic,mr honest looking
for honest but when you try to be
honest with them, say look, i'm sure you're a good man
but i'm just not into wearing thigh high boots
on the back of your harley while we tailgate
to a(insert sport of the season)game, nor do i want
to clean your fish, wash your truck or start your fire.
and yes, i prefer the book to the movie in most cases.

this makes me elitist. so be it. if there's a pic
of a baseball cap, i'm moving on, if there's a no smoker
sign i'm moving on, if they're baptist i am definitely
movin on, and sometimes catholic as well, if they're
lookin for a best friend forever
i'm moving on. i think your lover should be
your lover and your best friend is who you talk about your lover with.
i don't want to endure your farts or watch you watching
her tits. that's what best friends are for. hmmm
maybe this should go on my next free to join profile.

so a review of the dating sites would be in order
but i am not a payer. so to review paysites would be unfair.
anyway, they may be dinosaurs soon, for everyone but the elite
or the hooker/hookup sites. but i can do the free ones.

1)plenty of fish. largest but the IM sucks
don't like the add to favorites feature because
there's no standard of measure. i've seen people say
they add to show interest while the added wonders
wtf, why don't you just write me a fuckin email.
ok, THIS added one thinks that. and a lot of others
apparently do too. i've read it in both men and women's
profiles. the forums are interesting in the way
message boards always are, with flame wars erupting
and the whole gamut of bad advice not taken run.
you meet all twelve people in the world there
and you can lurk at will. one feature i'd like added
is send a flirt, since that adding to favorite thing
also shows when you, the added, were last online.
i say it's none of mr playing favorites business.
also sorts by city or radius which is something the pay
sites oughta look into. gotta say a bit about
how some people say they've been botted on there.
fulla tapeworms. but i have vista
so no worries yet. i'm sure
the time will come though.
one last thing, after ten it's a definite meat market.
no one believes you want to chat about the bone density
of the average paupau new guinean. go figure.


2( justsayhi. formerly mingle2 this began as a blog
project by a young hottie named matt. i noticed when
it was in its infancy the quality of men on the site
was a bit more refined. at least in my eyes. there were
more artists or wanna be artists per capita than myspace.
more thinkers it seemed. but they merged with this other
place so now it's just another corner bar. with the attendant
bikers and baseball hat wearers. a younger crowd seems
to gather but all ages are represnented and getting larger.
with the same people you'll see on pof, btw. can i get
another acronym? IM sux. mainly because the notification
is up at the top of the page and is silent so you're
likely to miss it if you're deep into a profile, or really
anywhere below the banner ads that line the top.
it has a myspace type of network, where your friends
are posted right alongside your own pix so that your potential
future dates can see the competition. the forums need
more participation , but time will help,
and they have a place to post creative writing.
or, ummmm, and i use the term loosely, poetry.
it makes me realize why i like to stay at the ghost.
all in all this one could some tweaking, like
try doing pof algorithm for who's online in MY city.
i dn't really want to meet someone from casablanca
for a date. tho i suppose if i wanted to do some
couch exchanges that feature is nice to have.


3( smooch
well, it's mainly filled right now with aussies.
i think. at least that's the idea i got from
my one chat session. maybe it was the time of day.
the im is not existent, it's more like a private
message board. but the font color change is pretty unique.
also has a shitty search engine.

4I

okcupid

joined it once with 2ybf,now he hangs there
so i don't drop in. free im tho, just like
pof, and according to the ex, just as sucky.
iow, think young and budding. do you really
want to go there>


anyway, thank god i'm tired at last.
it's four am.
nite gracie

sat day aft

goin to a party to night. oh yeh i meant to check out
the bands playing. i like to see what might come
or what i may be interested in.

this orlando band sounds innaresting. the oakes or oaks
ah no "e". avoiding pretension. prolly be the most poetic
band there, pretensions ironically hidden. yeah, this is
the band to catch, the one i'll prolly enjoy most.

oh and before dawn . oh man, now i'm getting excited
i miss that i didn't volunteer down there this year
i have to get my head out of my ass. get some energy
for myself. quit takin me seriously. i bet this band
is in the canteena. nope the orpheum.

so i'm getting excited about it.

hiding becomes its own mask. some times you play
with them but it comes down to what you feel inside.
sometimes you hide from what wants to become.
this week aries are all about their
stick to it ness while i'm about deliberating.
de liberating. not liberating un liberating
while i make up my mind. judicious. yes. that's me
to the point of enervation yes.

now. to the hospital to visit a sick friend.
which book should i take.brodkeys?
omg. i wonder how someone with aids would feel
to read about the dying of someone with aids.
prolly not a good choice. what then? rumi?
she's def not a poet. oh well. something.

sqamous cell

that's what they told gramma
when the lump started on the side
of her chin. it looked harmless
didn't hurt or anything but when
they removed it and did the biopsy
there it was, death in her mouth.


i'm so scared of docs those hopesellers
with their chemo and radiations their poisons
to keep you alive just one more month
or hey can you believe in remission?

this lump beside my eye has appeared
over the spring. i thought sinus, i thought
maybe it would go away but it grows.
i wouldn't have noticed it at all except
i've begun wearing eye shadow and it doesn't
blend very well. silly to think you

might be able to offer me comfort.
we all die alone don't we?





oh sure sometimes i think i court it
but i was told to whistle past the grave
then death would think i'm not scared
and leave me alone. at least for the next
four years until my baby gets thru school.

i should have died at 39 like my mom. i was
anticipating it, i was sure cancer would
come for me like it did my mom, both grammas,
my gramps. but it didn't so i began to live
at last. now it's ten years later and it stalks me.
laughing at it now, cuz what can i do except
open my arms and embrace the whistling bomb
targeted at me. i know it's too funny

to believe i'm having these thoughts before
a diagnosis. but when i'm shoved into the miasmic
stew of tests and specialists i prolly won't
have time to hope. i'll be on that grey path
where my golden aura turns dull. i walk it
alone, permanently. we all die that way, even
if we're surrounded by loved ones. they make
us weep and make us angry and bitter because
they will live and we will die. but as i keep

telling my daughter, the prognosis of life is death.
make the journey count. so then i have to look
at my own, see if it does. for me. i've learned
a lot, tho i have so much
more to grok. i hope i can learn past anger and bitter
so that my soul tastes sweet when
it's on the tongue of the gods. tho why i should
care about those immortal sadistic bitches i dunno.


i've learned that clothes spill out of drawers
despite my training. that litter boxes are the reason
cats needs to be outside, that living is love
or hate but at any rate it demands passion. otherwise
welcome to your zombie. i'm tired again
and i hope i can sleep, cuddle up with feathers
and foam and have dreams i won't remember
which is good since i feel like the time to live them
is passing, passing. just another middle age death
leaving a slightly good looking corpse. unless

i let them do radiation after surgery. unless
i let them destroy what's left of the flesh
with their poisons of hope. i don't think i will.
i like the idea of an oxycotin od. i like
the idea of bliss ninny on the outbound spike.

and i like how i see your true colors
and it doesn't bother me, because to expect
something different would be akin to hope.
and that's a habit i'm trying to kick.

allowing grace

she breathes into your ear
i think the gods get pissed
when you toss their gifts aside

the glasses are lost. if you don't
find them she can't leave. you don't look
very hard. they're at the bottom of the pool.

remember green, she whispers. do you
have a fever? do you? she places her lips
on the river in your neck. it pulses as she

follows it to a temple where she
hopes to find you. if you'd open
the door. if you'd let in the wind.

fear factor

for real. i scare the birds
and the nests from the branches
wearing three hundred heads
from the lovers i've eaten.
blue teeth and tannin eyes
they fall into me like sky with gravity
and those that escape
are best remaindered in psychotic wasteland
yes i'm a scarey bitch, with all this
death and rebirth going on inside me
so hey would ya shut up the rattle of your
bones when you're leaving i
am tryin to get some rest here.

yesh

and so it goes
i keep goodbying but
it keeps helloing
one day the road will
keep rolling. quicker
sooner, a month in june or
sometimes like now a day of relief
a sadnesses thief. if you
can't see it, don't want it
then why should i haunt it
ghost in reverse, a pleading thing's worse
than any thing under the moon.

stole this from a scorpio

The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the ***ing big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.




damn and he's only 26. i feel the same way. just like you
i'm gonna be doing this stuff forever why
can't i be happy to be a lemming why isn't the big screen
tv enough for me, why dn't i own an electric knife
and a rotiserrie why don't i wax my goddamn car
or at least pick the clothes up off the floor?
i'm forty eight feeling fifty for three years why do i
still insist that there's more to life? deluded
delusional. the comforts we were given
to keep us in the fold. baahhhhh, moo.


there's been times i wanted to meet
a natural born killer just to help me out
of this position. maybe that's the attraction
to the dark side, seeking my assisted suicide.
today i think i'd welcome
the bullet. the garrot,the slash.
such a baby such a fader. swwimming in self
hatred , looking for the next wave up.

i haven't been to the ocean in so long.
desire and entropy battles
inside of me. come on, we know entropy's
gonna win. little bacterial breakdown
into constituencies of matterless matter.
so what does any of it matter?

i'ma laugh as hard at myself
for saying that as i've ever laughed at you.



so what is this sadness i have, this longing
for love and how you're not ready for it there's just
not enough to go around.
i'm there with you, only it was a couple months
ago. just tell me that feeling doesn't crawl inside
you like a baby bird waiting for wings, late at nite
when the sun's coming up and your eyes finally close.





was everything you ever said
all your words mere postures
~~/reverbing /sustained in my head~~
simply a bloodletting, healed?
you call me a swtich. i think
i'm a witch. let me be a bitch.
would you, please just
lie like you do everyday
to other strangers?
or tell me truth which
ever will help me move on from
this space i'm in. they
tell me i'm gullible.
and i believe them.