fliching the last drops

it used to be that he
would be hard whenever he thought
about me. i have trained him well
his hell to be inhabited by mine.

i think about the triple x nipple vex
and the coffee cup you bought
the drinking of the booze and the wrinkles
in my cup size, what size anti gravity machine
will make my sloughing body lean and mean
again and hey, do i really want it?

he asked me last night how do you feel
and i told him flat. affect is flat. i'm no
optomist of this deliquesce, no happy bliss
in this live's archivist. i don't trust

what this will be. in fact itrust it too much.
what it will be. come. i'm always depressed.
always. this is no way to live. even when i seem happy
i'm depressed. and it's because i know i can't give
my love to this boy. b/c i know this boy will grow up
to leave me. it's only right. and i'm not that selfless.
i want to put my self in someone that i can possess/possessed by

possession:


pos·sess ( P ) Pronunciation Key (p-zs)
tr.v. pos·sessed, pos·sess·ing, pos·sess·es
To have as property; own.
To have as a quality, characteristic, or other attribute: possessed great tact.
To acquire mastery of or have knowledge of: possess valuable data.

To gain or exert influence or control over; dominate: Fury possessed me.
To control or maintain (one's nature) in a particular condition: I possessed my temper despite the insult.
To cause to own, hold, or master something, such as property or knowledge: She possessed herself of the unclaimed goods.
To cause to be influenced or controlled, as by an idea or emotion: The thought of getting rich possessed him.
Obsolete. To gain or seize.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Middle English possessen, from Old French possesser, from Latin possidre, possess- : pos-, as master; see poti- in Indo-European Roots + sedre, to sit; see sed- in Indo-European Roots.]


to have is be haved.
oh behave.d.


do you know, john h
what our reason for meeting was
and why the repellant had to be?
i can see

that you had come off the love of your life
one gen too late and she dispossessed herself
of you, for your own good. this is what i'd do for him, i should.
it has driven you even more but you will never share a door
closed with her again except the one which is between you.
all the show you so/s a clean sweep sheener.



do you know skar, i never um talk to my twenty yr old self?
she never talks to me. we are at odds. but myself blames her
for this mess. after all it was her decisions that led our body here.
and mine that keep me here. she never thought of death. it wasn't an option.
now it's a foreshortening fact. one which at times i embrace.
how different this boy is. he tells me he's tried to die
so many times, so many times been spit back out
so he must be what he once in his vision quest saw the anti christ.



it is the time for it. and who's to know who will be
the driving force in this plutocracy. he is power
and power eats itself. yes, when you love someone their cells
slough into yours. you are electrochemically changed.
imprinted. and all the mysteries they keep to themselves self ish lee
become mantras which you no longert wonder on
simply understand like the deep pressure of the ocean
as you dive ever further towards the void.

you understand what will kill you
viscerally, like the smell of cigar smoke
and stale pussy. the clove imprint the coffee shop
where you play chess with abandon, skirting
the rules then abnegating to them. i love language.
why can't i remember more of it? lead poison.
poisonne is chicken in french. we agreed to learn spanish
and move to barcelona last nite. that's the closest
we'll ever be to it. then. just then. the traveling steam
of a cuppa in the cold morning air. the boy with the short
dreads belting passion into the mild fla december
and you and i driving away from this knowing
this cone of silence that surrounds our union, the implicit
tone of the stares. one day that will bother you.
when i'm fifty four and the crevasses abut my glasses
and you still being carded. thwarted. you got it right once
over the phone where we should be having this
over the phone when we were where we should be
you told me so this is what life is ay?
moving from one heartbreak to the next.

themechanix

it starts with a ring
the number displayed means
the person calling will hang up
when i say hello. but not before.
merry xmas nancy, i answer. the calling
party disconnected, just like i knew
she would, the drone female voice
informs me i will not be charged
for this call.

my children are out.
my child lover out.
i have read all day instead
of writing. now i have a bit
over an hour, or maybe more
to spin my mind out here.
have a hit.

they say that by not fighting it
we condone it. speaking of teen
actions which most times leads
to life failure. not in the sense
of a failed life but in the sense
of an ended one. b/c idon't believe
in failure. you are what you are.
this is your life. how it happened.
who is grading this paper? didn't we kill god
so many years ago for just this reason?
oh relativistic crap sez the fundamentalists.
fun.da mentalists don't want to think.
einstein was a quack. they don't believe in quacks.
who cares what they believe? i'm tired of them.
their narrow little mind views boring
tunnels down thru thousands of layers of sediment
and they still can find no sign of the martians.
why, look around you man!~ 360 degrees of magnitude.
if only we could go spacier...no ups and downs
ins and outs? wieghtlessness? oh, r u feeling
naseous. does the pov move too fast?

ok, so i'm orienting on the whatever it is i'm trying
to deflect with this. cioran said "every thought is a thwarted sensation"
six words that changed my life. and to have been able
to write that down. we budhists say live like the lake
when it's a mirror. or something like that. but i'd rather
be the reed. have felt that once or twice. ssw paisely's
spinning in the air, i'll call them mesons, cuz i like
the word, without the benefit of psychotropic drugs.
i've never tripped beyond the wild weed so there's not even that he
told me i don't know if you should
try lsd, you're already so wacked.
i loved him. i didn't know
him.




he should forgive me that.
but since forgivenss is at the core
of his denial...like a force
of wind exerting outward, the blue hole
pushing cold water into us as we
hold our breaths and plunge into its
delicate evening blues the pressure
to stay away from its center.
we could put on weights, get scuba
gear. but mysteries
are destroyed when pierced.

and if you believe that
then listen..

there is a program which will give you a symbol
of the number you think of. it seems to read your mind.
it really works. becuase it's based on mathematical
principles of nines. nines. nines.


what number will both 3 and nine go into which its inversion will not.
no. that's not write. anyway. the key is nine.
i don't want to get bogged into the slog of shining numbers
each leading me deeper into the phi.

so i think my point was this. the mystery of the mind reading
is seeminly solved when you get to a symbol that repeats.
but what is it about that symbol which recurs? if you want to understand
source, look there. it is of course much more complex and n dimensional
but there is the gateway. dive into that cavern if you will.

the light in the kitchen is hurting my eyes. i think i will soothe
that sensation with action beyond the actualization of these manipulators.


got up, moved my legs and arms. now it is dark in here.
the xmas tree is lit behind me. if i carne my head
i can see the green light of daytime but in here all is dark.
now i have my solitude. now i have my retreat. what do they
call it? hovel? the recluse's home. watch out for my poison.
it can be potent. nancy was bitten once. it gave her an ulcer
on her shin, a bruise which festers and grew as if an arrow
was making its mark one layer of cells at a time. brown spider
of the evening, hope.

lately when i ride in the car, everything is flat.
even when you drive. and i wonder where is my wonder.
i k now what lies ahead and i want to know why i have
to do this over and over again and again. to be your
shadow. your mirror. these are questions. i hate the shift key.


where is my life. i had friends once. now i wait
for you. make plans with you and then you
break them. on a whim. without consultation.
then the deed is done. oh well. i didn't want
to lay around all day fucking anyway. would rather
write. or make cookies. no, i like to make them
with other people. my kids for instance.
which i gladly got out of the house to be with you
and now you're gone too. o seshat it's lovely
we will always in some way, be friends.

i can extoll the measure of love in bits, byten
into the neck of desire. let me let something
else be the focus of my deepening solitude.
why have this man be my world? he is what he is.
testing loyalty like a cur. heedless of what i am
to him. his once reason for living soon to be
cast aside, as i wish to cast him even now.
how much easier to let it go, be adrift in a salt
pool of detached couplings. the area of the novel.


nothing to look foward to. nothing to keep me from
sitting here all day and typing about woe.
this is why not to write. dis en gage ment.
thwarted act ion. he's out playing
and i'm writing. why am i beating my favorite
lover? i love the shift key again.

it is because without other, we spiral to the center.
and find it chasming and constricting. the air tanks
running out. the porch needs straightening. there
are photons out there. squirrels. hawks.

what yr saying

is you're tired
of this mask. leaving it
is not a question. ah skar,
what fun we once had
you there in your business suit
me in my overalls. each misunderstanding
oh, just everything.

i feel the wrinkling tautness of crease
form from inside the stem, amino acid eeking.

can it really be that you withdraw
in our greatest need? time that was and is to come
without you. why should our need be kneaded
into your pizza pie after all? it is your
lead we followed tra la la but each of us
with our own will. sans vision. the empty headed gone
ness of javascript developement. the way the scones
just popped up or flattened. what happens with
chemical a and pheromone b bursting just like her
you know, athena. never mind all the behind the scenes
preparations. am i even reading you write? have i ever?

some things are just unintelligible. inner screws of this temple
being some of them. was reading over in the faq
on ezbort oh, the business of promotion. oh yes.
stealing bandwidth. tis a sad day when copyleft is reguarded
as piracy. when collage retrains itself for commerce, info style.


ah skar. i fought with my brother
i felt he shouldn't torture squirrels.
he feels i torture him so it's the same thing.
i torture him by saving his thoughts. not in my memory
but in ours. the whole of this thing morphonic.

and skar, listen. why do i write to you
instead of him. i still fixate on some vestige.
i was in love with you first. before even d.
you were more atttached than he.
we are always mistimed. no wait. i forget.
you rejected me when you had a chance.
there is my answer to persist in any other thought
is pure foolish desire. the love i will never possess
o unrequitedness.

so this love. this one.
he is needy. too much so.
so everyone tells me. and i feel it.
why do i want to draw him in like this?
is he my substitute late life
baby? the son i'll keep at home
to support me in my old age?
the love he will only regret
when its too late? he does love me.
my father says i'd love a meal ticket too.
my father says your kids have no respect
my father says i'm not judging, father says someone
has to lay down the rules. father. it is too late
for you to understand what i do. i think i have
raised decent children. did you know that i too
stole when i was a teen? did drugs? was disrespectful
to my elders? does that make you a bad parent?
truth is, no matter what we fuck up
our children
because we gave them birth.
we spend the entireity of that gift
heading for exchange.


but this love. yeah. i could trust it
but it fattens. he fattens. what's up with that?
i think i don't know him at all.
i fatten. what's UP with this? growing cowish.
how to desire the extra juicy again? i can't.
his stomach presses me. i feel oppressed.
his need. oppresses me. i miss him. yes i do.
as an expectation. not as a surprise. as a daily dose
not as what, interest? even? his epiphanies
are often reruns of my younger years.
but he also gives me new understandings.
when he doesn't bend to my experience.

but i threaten. when it comes to sex we are incompatible.
sometimes i'm unconsable. this is why i don't trust it.
i understand a man. either satyr or dionysus.
he becomes both in my company. what he wants is not
what i desire. i want to make love. only want
when i want. otherwise it's a question of how much
seduction, how much participation he
desires. why do i always have to initiate he asks.
b/c u, dear sir, are the one in need.
i dont want it to go to maintainace fucking.
but sometimes that's ok. only sometimes.
see it's the hormonal mismatch. if i were
hot as he is most times then there'd be less
problems. but i have to be revved up. does this mean
he can't make me hot? when the moon's right,
i want him more than any other man. when it's not
he can still turn me. on. the question soon becomes
how much does he want it knowing that his fantasies
are at best a chore for me? there are aspects
of what he likes which i can work into lovemaking,
knowing they give him pleasure. but his rpg's
really have the capacity to turn me off. even when i'm
the dom. but the sub, jeeze. on the wrong day
that can have me wanting to break up.
he's scorpio. so he understands his sexuality
in an intuitive way. he likes what he likes.
doesn't want to delve into the genesis of desire.
emotive vs. intellectual. but i am air. libra.
questioning, weighing, removing sometimes, adding
sometimes, for balance.

for instance he just learned or relearned
that his head was put thru a wall by his mom.
he has fantasies of spanking. there are rumours
thru her of his father's sexual abuse. where
do the lies begin and desire foster? what would
his mother do if she caught eight yr old j
masturbating? catholic. repression . spank him
over her knee? did his cock wither or harden?

why. why? why!? jesus man why can't you see
what this means about my role in your life.
i don't want to be the mom you fuck.
sigh. i want to be loved for me.
getting hungry. feeling funky. shower time.

u don't know the awesome power

of being able to kill at will
no repurcussions in fact the facts
will be known but you will not
go to jail. already only lifeless
commodity. a space
in the web. it too must taste canyon wind.
dispersal. i will go to the temple
because i like the wafer and wine
the temple which sits on the crag's
highest point. the chair

is sweedish design, molds you to its
contour. the ottoman is a desk drawer
cushioned by a pillow shaped to resemble
a turtle. but no turtle like you've seen
in the ponds, this one has triangular
shades of primary colors joined into its shell
representation. i use it as a sop.

i'm still thinking of judas.
the neccesary tool. jesus gave him a sop rome
gave him silver. i have always worn silver.
gold makes me itch. there is music here
inside this inner chamber. behind me is a view
of water. trees. voices come from an antechamber
where the boys play video games and such chancy
endeavors. from a tent comes unplugged
bass and smell of patchouli. above
me some other pilgrim, pacing. behind this door
lies a princess, sleeping. she hung
my clothes to dry last night when the dryer knob,
patchy since we moved here, quit in earnest
and she broke the stem trying to turn it.
she hung my clothes up instead of leaving them
in the dryer. small kindnesses.
maybe at last we learn how to live together
by visiting other's abodes. she was away
for 2 weeks. she goes now, testing
ground for sinkholes, her wings begin
to sprout.










along the florida savana


one day traveling to orlando
the sky a luminous gray, soft so that
the land rolled by in stark cutout
like a christmas card silhouette
in three dee. so that the swirring grasses
held daymoths and the husks of green
crickets. so that the wheels rolling became
stationary and earth was the thing spinning
bearing you ever closer to a destination
you're unsure of, you didn't chose this it was forced
on you, by dint of birth, and you
wondered about a butterfly's value you turned to me
and said it wouldn't have mattered
at all if i had never been
born. and i told you of the chaos
effect on weather, the power of one thin varicoloured wing
i don't think you ever believed me
and i know you're not the only raindrop on the pond but of one
thing i'm sure, you've mattered
in my universe. i don't know if i said that then.
the traffic was bad. there was construction ahead.

waiting for my girl

it's 11 hours till xmas
this is the tableau.

the washer grinds and bumps
i have on sox. he always drinks
to the last drop. sitting on the couch
drinks to the last. monty python
matching tie and handkerchief
leans against the chest.
boudoir seems a nice word to watch to.
i think i'm going to bed.
yes

first things last

i've been up for hours
tending flowers in the ailses of sally
beauty , it's a duty found and bound
like icing on a hound, let's make another sound
for the lasting writes of wound
up
for the new year. i hear it said in 08
it's all gonna stop and i ask cal
shoulda asked but didn't i ask cal
well don't you wanna be around fa dat?

instead i tell him i hear rumours of 29
asteriods named after egyptian death gods
rojection of the preerectuion.''

i am doubled over on my chair
brave gravity pulls on me i ask cal
if i feel like this now, and i'm only
half your age, tell me, how will i manage
then? easy answer is i won/t. cal sez
he can't work like this anymore, bending
over the boards, hunched shoulders
twisting, turning. i tell him to take a vacation.
he could do it. a few weeks off and he'll
be ready to come back. the loneliness
the rigor mortis the curse of excess time.

i always go on one image too long.

we are concerned with originality.
the genesis of thought. instead of integration.
i don't wanna be an ant? what deeds have they done?

ah but the queen. the filter of her organism.
see every ant is a cell for her. a vast network
connecting with the whole of her territory.
when she wants to experience more, she moves outward.
or maybe she actually does just breed, blindly.
can you imagine such empires as hers with no art?
there's the rub.

if i consider myself as ant queen, and all the worker bs
merely cells or extensions of self then where would
where could
art come from? no interaction, no excuse me
excuse the fuck outta me, no audience.
such a queen must needs be a solipsist.
which is why i dont believe ant colonies are ruled
by a single mind. controlled. ummmmmm,
mindless drones. inside the worker ants is poetry.
ruled, yes. driven and enslaved--perhaps not.
i mean everyone's gotta eat. this is very unclear.


ok, so the hive queen does exercise absolute authority
over her worker bs. the kind of authority required
to make the hive hum. but she's not inconsiderate.
she allows for time off. it would be foolish to expend
energy on a cell just to have it die off cuz you
push it too hard. in other words,she'd have respect
for her body. there are societies within the nest.
soldier, food gatherer, queen attendant, weaver, shepard.
one of these shall be your lot. and to dream of more
might be your fate. but you are assigned, by your very genetic
design, to be one of these. there is no room
for yearning. could they then, even desire art?

look at the inelegant tower. haifid's crew worked
the commision for three thons. there is to be a stationary
battle in a click hence. haifid may live to see it.
they say the queen contemplates attendance. o to die
with the honour of wicket. thrust into the nextling for food.
perhaps the thought is too great for haifid. his antennae
droop, half power, then fall off. his dream must
have disturbed her. he is taken to the reservior, spite meat.

the tower squats, holding arches curved into the spine
of the riverroot. so many places to hang in various positions
of attack and defeat. the tableaux is of the queen's favorite
battle, whence her mighty empire was born from
this humble site. intriques were many, beheadings abound.
then the soldiers with their heavy fighting jaws
defeated her cousin of the twelveth noth. no room, sister dear,
for your genes. the captured birthed enough to fill
their empty huts and more. i taste you on my tongue
even now, and together we blend into the wide domain beyond.

she admires the tower for its transtimegloss
but to admit that chemical into the bounty of the hive
could be cancerous. better to let sand sift it back to earth's
bowels. so, art. my cells do art. in the tracks of my veins
they paint grafitti with pheromones. why do they not
share it with me? she begins to hunger. the stationary soldiers
wither from their hold, fall to the floor. she marches
them up the tube into the open. she wishes the earth
to rumble. find an enemy she commands. sting it to me.

the mad queen returns to her egg laying. outisde
they can do nothing
without me. i weary of these eggs. she lays
a queen. attendants have the jelly sack ready.
she passes her weariness into the sack.
begins again.

i'll never know

what it was that decided you
to create this distance
but i can see it is very difficult
to do, so i'll make it easy on you.
in order for you to not exist
for me, then i shall not exist for you.
woo hoo. i've been on this one before.

vectoresque

For Tibetan Buddhists, because karma affects everything, there are no chance occurences. It is no accident, for example, that you are picking up this book.


karma means //you are doing this.//
micheal valentine smith put it this way
thou art god.
what about the stone? i ask budhha
and the fact i can't spell yr name?
he laughs and throws the stone.
it holds itself together doesn't it?


does internet writing cheapen writing?
does it create masks we fall into
which grow into us like a resonant waveform
both increasing and decreasing the bone
mass until we're all victims of elephanitis webosis?

why, may i ask, does writing need to be sacred?
that is a relic of the catholic church. if something
has sacredness, it has it b/c the entity viewing the thing
assigns it such. there is no intrinsic sacredness
you must look into the heart of you and say
here is where it shall dwell.

writing is a consequence of human brain activity.
the more people who are taught to write, the more will write.
and so the need for novelist disappears, so the need for poet
becomes internalized, so we all become

starz in our own memoirs and everyone we know
is fodder for the mill. is that ill/ness a bless
less mess or maybe all the lives are blest, guests
for such a short time here, to share and give
and live your will. or won't. our dos and don'ts.
what we do we muddle thru and what we don't we crave
we won't believe it will not make us happy don't
achieve the grace without the slappy, nappy sanppy
in your natty clothes, a bingams night, a ruthless rose.


cheapens it? well if price be dear bought by shortages
taught and glistened.

the flea market has all the latest kitsch.
that's why some people go there. hiding in the corners
are the baubles of yesterday. price tags soar.
or pummel. a bargain is still to be had.

i talked for a long while with the woman
who sold me the loveseat. somehow we exchanged
stories of her friend's grandson oh kids
today and such. it was such a pleasant
stranger's encounter , her son arrested
cus he likes his drink, on his birthday no less
one time bail out alma told him one
time, and my girl stories she's
had a taste of the life
already and how i'll have to give her the boot
when it's time or end up like the grandmother
thrall to abuses and careless treatment
doing laundry for an ungrateful martinet.
sigh. how kids don't appreciate their parents
till they become one themselves, or rather
till their kids get the teens.

i don't know how i'll get the sofa home yet.
but it was only fifty dollah and it's
the right size. she marked it down from 75 how could i
say no? that's why i splurged on silk
pajama's for my sis. and for my son who will not
i believe believe i bought them
instead of those pokemon cards he specifically
marked out for me but i want to get him
something i want to get him. something
he didn't expect. something he
wouldn't even dream of wanting
till he tries it on, silk.

on the way back from slapping my son

i thought about the brou haha
and i think maybe i'm putting
too much energy into trying to save
the box. why bother? everyone
has lost the spirit of community there.
it always seems like visiting a corpse.


and why do that to ankush. his words.
our misunderstandings. ithink dj had the
best answer. yes i understand it
but your statement makes it a vicious thing.
as does my mistrust. so...

wtf. i'm wrong. should go and delete it
but then how to know wrongness?
think on it for a day or so.
mother bear syndrome perhaps?

sigh. dancer's right. ishould just
let it go. the one we knew is
dead and i keep bringing it up
over and over. dancing with a corpse.

dear whiner

it is funny. you guys got so irritated when i just happened to mention that bah, the writing on the internet is deviating, maybe i should just close down the box. i mean you guys did not even take the time to understand that all i was saying was bah. yknow, venting. like we have always done on the box.

anyway. the funny thing is though that even if we were to assume that my intention actually was to close the box, or is to close the box, and you guys have already deemed that intention or the action of closing the blog by me as "injustice" then tell me one thing

how is that any different from you taking all my poems all these years and putting them here and there even though i have asked you not to a million times?

how is that any different?

but i am sure you will not be able to see that either. but if you did take the time to, i am sure you could not answer that question.

me closing somethng that is not mine, something that belongs to others simply on my own whim, for my own satisfaction versus you taking my poems off one place to put them in another for god knows what. how are those two any different?

and the funniest part is that i never even ever intended to close the box. i would never do that. well, maybe perhaps now i dont know. but before this whole episode i felt at home at the box as much as anybody else. i have been at the box longer than most people who are at it now. i did actually care for it and i just vented, as one would normally do in the space of ones own home. but you on the other hand, have actually BEEN doing this whole taking my poems to another place thing for donkeys years. i mean i get a bad name for venting that shit i am gonna close the box. and you feel very smug and not a bit as if you have wronged when you take my stuff from here to there.

yknow what? nevermind. there was a time when i was glad my writing was a part of yours. now, that time has passed.




in your petulance at having your voice sampled and saved,
you fail to note the difference between taking something, as if tearing it out of a magazine to make a collage-- not destroying it, not making it disappear, but propigating it--and threatening to take a community which many people have interest in and close it down on a whim. that's the difference


i stopped taking your poetry a couple years ago. if you can't get over it, that's your problem

you haven't wanted to nor been part of my writing in about as many years. so this you're saying here is nothing new.


tell you what . your post was all about how disaffected you are from the whole internet writing thing. there was a lot of reference to how the box and the idea of simple reality writing has cheapened the experience for you.
it sounds like you'd like to leave the internet community, but you just can't kick it.

why don't cha hand over the keys to someone who cares enough to leave the damn thing alone after they ban your ip address? then, your problem of being drawn to box
against your will, like crack you can't kick, will be solved!

also any more fears you harbor of me or anyone else stealing your intellectual property could be quelled as well. you can go thru the proper and time honored channels of laboring in solitude and submitting for print. only that will satisfy you will to judegement anyway.


stop wasting your time hanging around a dead end place like trash.
give up the admin and i'll take your comments outta the blog.


>eh, you make too many assumptions.
>
>that i have writers block. that i vociferously claimed that i am about to close the box. that i am pissed you took my words to your blog. that i asked a to 'parlay' with you on my behalf.
>
>i have so far found you far too senseless and hopeless a character to waste my time with. which is why i have/had stopped entertaining any discussions with you, because i find that though you have a brain, you seem to refuse to use it. there was a time when that would irritate me, but letting it irritate me was my mistake, my problem, not yours and that i have corrected.
>
>there have been times though when i have said things on a thread and when people have responded i have replied back simply for the sake of promoting understanding. but frankly, i find that has been another idiotic and grave error on my part.
>
>and, though a has been advising me from the start to not post any comments on the box regarding this issue, for some reason she just wanted to tell you, well whatever she wanted to or has told you. i honestly dont even have an idea what she said to you prior to your last email. and most of all, i cannot imagine why she wants to waste her time and energy and emotional reserves on somebody like you, but well, that is her choice.
>
>and since you seem, despite your claims to being a "groundbreaking" and "experimental" writer, so lost and confused, let me help you by clearing this up for you as you seem to have no faculties to be able to do it on your own: the discussion on the box which i started was one relating to, well, semantics, for lack of another word. it was what it was: a discussion, albiet one that horrendously and unfortunately digressed. one that actually stemmed from a vent that levi and nat sort of both understood and misunderstood. and then came the dancers and the djuanas. the claim to close the box initially was one of frustration. part and parcel of a thought sent out in the open that inadverdently turned out to be a piece of cheese at a food festival: perhaps too fermented, or perhaps simply european. then, when others replied and i tried to further elaborate myself to them, that is when the discussion turned completely to semantics, and yes in the fury of my explanations i did say that the box deserved to be closed. and i still believe that it should. and not just the box but i believe any place that does not commit itself to productivity, all the while claiming it does, should either alter its claim, or shut itself down. and yes i do realise that this last statement of mine commits itself to the naivety of the hope of logic and that logic is far gone a factor to be considered in the ordinary course of life. but what exactly does a statement like "i believe the box should be closed" say? does it mean i am about to close it? does it mean i believe it should be? and does the fact that i believe it should lend any potential to the possibility that i would? or does it mean that this is just another ordinary thought i hope to conquer? and here, exactly here, here is the stickler, the funny bone: we were, or were supposed to be, a bunch of poets having a discussion. i have found it highly ridiculous in the past and find it rightly so again that most poets and writers absolutely ignore the intricacies of language and the methods of metaphor and the switchbacks of the communicating experience when we are outside what a common man would recognise "a poem". or "a text". i find that highly amusing and highly irritating all at the same time. and here, exactly here, let me say "kudus to all your experiments". "hurrah for all the ground you have broken."
>
>
>anyway, enough is said. i had no intention of speaking with you anymore. but once again i made the grave error of letting your fanciful assumptions irritate me. perhaps now everything is clear to you. if not, i duly apologise for my continuining lack of clarity as a writer. have a nice day.




two things you have confused with your own semantical misreadings:

1)i never said that I am an experimental and groundbreaking writer. i said:



"this is the box man, experimentallicious and jack is wayyyy out there ...

the common writer needs the groundbreakers to move on past the puffery pastiche that has been imprinted on us.'"

by using "us" i am including myself in the subject of this sentence.



2)you didn't say " i believe the sandbox should be closed"

you said

maybe i should just close the fucking box. a says wtf, you cannot do that, the sandbox is not yours. but im thinking, why not? yknow? why the fuck not?

oh man i want to be able to shut this place down whenever i want. cuz that is the only way i can get out of the internet writing thing. i



hence my and other's "assumptions"


you also went on to say you couldn't do that. but then you went on in your email to say, once again, that you weren't sure what you'd do now., because i once again stole your words

why is it too much to ask for your word ? why is that treating you like a child? for me the childish thing is this feud about your words, words which you let out onto the internet and seem to think belong to you. words which you assume can be contained and controlled by what you'd prefer to remember than by re reading what you actually said and trying to come to some understanding about why others don't see things your way.. how they confused what you said so badly. i am not the only one . i just happen to be the one that did something about it.

but you know what, fuck it. do what you want. there's a clone in place in case you use your knife.


oh and

you have a nice day too



>ok, once again, ill be an idiot, ill bite. if only for this one last and short time.
>
>the first time around when i said "maybe i shld just close the box, a says not to, but why not" etc. i was doing exactly what it is obvious i am doing. posing a personal problem, ending it with a question. why not. just a vent, like we have done so many times before.
>
>but yes, the other times i said it, i said it out of spite. a very base reaction, because you guys were acting like, well, like not very smart people.
>
>also, the child angle was not mine. a talked about it with you. maybe you should take it up with her. though this much i will say that i never tried to "parlay" with you and "settle" by exchanging the keys with my post. those infantile ideas have been entirely your own. furthermore, i really never had, nor currently have, a problem with people taking my poems here and there. in fact, when others have done it it has often been flattering. sometimes not. but never really so much a problem that i would voice it. so that was never the issue. the problem specifically with you, was just that: you. i have already been rude enough to you when i honestly never intended to, so i am not going to elaborate on this one. it would be a good idea not to email here anymore.




so, your objection to responses to your venting is that people responded as if you might be serious? or that, specifically, I responded as though you might be serious? i'm trying to get it clear because i am so muddled in my thinking and reading of what you say.

i realize that a is the one who first brought up the childishness. and if you've read the email in which i responded i certainly took pains to implicate myself as an initiator and facilitator of such childishness.

don't bother to answer my question above, even tho it's not rhetorical. it would simply prolong this painful leavetaking,
which, i feel has gone on quite long enough.

32.reading

what's the matter with me

The Shadow Truth spread provides insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. This spread is used when you are having trouble confronting something, or fear that you are concealing something from yourself. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. Five of Pentacles (Worry), when reversed: Concern over finance leads to prudent action. Impending physical threat is met with calm and skill. Suffering and loneliness leads to spiritual growth. Stress is met without resorting to excess or the pursuit of oblivion.
The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. Four of Pentacles (Power): Cleaving to earthly power in the desperate fear that it will be lost. Making yourself an obstacle to progress due to lack of originality and a desperate fear of change. Believing that security and identity are based primarily on the possession of material things. Coveting things and people. Living in a cloud of suspicion and prejudice.
The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. King of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air, such as a gray sky: A mature leader of unyielding ethics and absolute authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the letter of the law cannot be swayed by emotion, mercy, or exigent circumstances. Perfect clarity of thought, excessive use of force, and mastery of language as a tool for deception. One who, like a great tyrant, inspires not love or devotion, but fear, respect, and obedience.
The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. The High Priestess, when reversed: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.

how can i change this evolution?

The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. The Tower, when reversed: Unexpected upheaval leading to a positive change in life. Catastrophe survived or narrowly avoided. A new lifestyle and enlightenment. May indicate a broken relationship, divorce, or failure in business or career.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Queen of Swords: The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist: A person gifted with both keen logic and natural intuition, giving them uncanny powers of perception and insight. One who easily sees past deception and confusion to the heart of a matter, and understands both sides of any argument. The embodiment of calm, forthrightness, and wit, in the face of even the most trying circumstances.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. King of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: A true businessman, with a gift for identifying opportunities and taking advantage of them. A person well informed about the world, skilled in all things physical, and eager to encourage others. A pillar of practicality and dependability, embracing tried and tested methods, and possessing an innate understanding of the material reality. A philanthropist and devotee of both luxury and hard work, whose word is as good as gold.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Seven of Cups (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Two of Pentacles (Change): Balance and harmony achieved in a time of upheaval and transformation. Taking two steps forward for every one step back. Shifting the importance of projects and priorities to keep everything on track. A change in occupation or location.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Pentacles, when reversed: The essence of earth behaving as fire, such as molten magma: One slow to action, even in the most urgent circumstances. A force of nature that cannot be diverted from the wrong path. The voice of duty and honor utterly divorced from reality. Lack of imagination and the complete unwillingness to try a different approach, even if the face of complete failure. Idleness and stagnation.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.

taking delite in one's good fortune.
now there's some good goddman advise.
he's here. he's now.
it's sunday, i can sleep.
i can love him
he loves me
not to be a tyrant.
not to be feared
to be loved.

to be loves.

32.reading

what's the matter with me

The Shadow Truth spread provides insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. This spread is used when you are having trouble confronting something, or fear that you are concealing something from yourself. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. Five of Pentacles (Worry), when reversed: Concern over finance leads to prudent action. Impending physical threat is met with calm and skill. Suffering and loneliness leads to spiritual growth. Stress is met without resorting to excess or the pursuit of oblivion.
The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. Four of Pentacles (Power): Cleaving to earthly power in the desperate fear that it will be lost. Making yourself an obstacle to progress due to lack of originality and a desperate fear of change. Believing that security and identity are based primarily on the possession of material things. Coveting things and people. Living in a cloud of suspicion and prejudice.
The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. King of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air, such as a gray sky: A mature leader of unyielding ethics and absolute authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the letter of the law cannot be swayed by emotion, mercy, or exigent circumstances. Perfect clarity of thought, excessive use of force, and mastery of language as a tool for deception. One who, like a great tyrant, inspires not love or devotion, but fear, respect, and obedience.
The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. The High Priestess, when reversed: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.

how can i change this evolution?

The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. The Tower, when reversed: Unexpected upheaval leading to a positive change in life. Catastrophe survived or narrowly avoided. A new lifestyle and enlightenment. May indicate a broken relationship, divorce, or failure in business or career.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Queen of Swords: The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist: A person gifted with both keen logic and natural intuition, giving them uncanny powers of perception and insight. One who easily sees past deception and confusion to the heart of a matter, and understands both sides of any argument. The embodiment of calm, forthrightness, and wit, in the face of even the most trying circumstances.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. King of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: A true businessman, with a gift for identifying opportunities and taking advantage of them. A person well informed about the world, skilled in all things physical, and eager to encourage others. A pillar of practicality and dependability, embracing tried and tested methods, and possessing an innate understanding of the material reality. A philanthropist and devotee of both luxury and hard work, whose word is as good as gold.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Seven of Cups (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Two of Pentacles (Change): Balance and harmony achieved in a time of upheaval and transformation. Taking two steps forward for every one step back. Shifting the importance of projects and priorities to keep everything on track. A change in occupation or location.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Pentacles, when reversed: The essence of earth behaving as fire, such as molten magma: One slow to action, even in the most urgent circumstances. A force of nature that cannot be diverted from the wrong path. The voice of duty and honor utterly divorced from reality. Lack of imagination and the complete unwillingness to try a different approach, even if the face of complete failure. Idleness and stagnation.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.

taking delite in one's good fortune.
now there's some good goddman advise.
he's here. he's now.
it's sunday, i can sleep.
i can love him
he loves me
not to be a tyrant.
not to be feared
to be loved.

to be loves.

reading

what's the matter with me

The Shadow Truth spread provides insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. This spread is used when you are having trouble confronting something, or fear that you are concealing something from yourself. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. Five of Pentacles (Worry), when reversed: Concern over finance leads to prudent action. Impending physical threat is met with calm and skill. Suffering and loneliness leads to spiritual growth. Stress is met without resorting to excess or the pursuit of oblivion.
The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. Four of Pentacles (Power): Cleaving to earthly power in the desperate fear that it will be lost. Making yourself an obstacle to progress due to lack of originality and a desperate fear of change. Believing that security and identity are based primarily on the possession of material things. Coveting things and people. Living in a cloud of suspicion and prejudice.
The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. King of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air, such as a gray sky: A mature leader of unyielding ethics and absolute authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the letter of the law cannot be swayed by emotion, mercy, or exigent circumstances. Perfect clarity of thought, excessive use of force, and mastery of language as a tool for deception. One who, like a great tyrant, inspires not love or devotion, but fear, respect, and obedience.
The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. The High Priestess, when reversed: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.

how can i change this evolution?

The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. If you would like your own copy of the Ator Tarot, you can buy it now!
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. The Tower, when reversed: Unexpected upheaval leading to a positive change in life. Catastrophe survived or narrowly avoided. A new lifestyle and enlightenment. May indicate a broken relationship, divorce, or failure in business or career.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Queen of Swords: The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist: A person gifted with both keen logic and natural intuition, giving them uncanny powers of perception and insight. One who easily sees past deception and confusion to the heart of a matter, and understands both sides of any argument. The embodiment of calm, forthrightness, and wit, in the face of even the most trying circumstances.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. King of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: A true businessman, with a gift for identifying opportunities and taking advantage of them. A person well informed about the world, skilled in all things physical, and eager to encourage others. A pillar of practicality and dependability, embracing tried and tested methods, and possessing an innate understanding of the material reality. A philanthropist and devotee of both luxury and hard work, whose word is as good as gold.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Seven of Cups (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Two of Pentacles (Change): Balance and harmony achieved in a time of upheaval and transformation. Taking two steps forward for every one step back. Shifting the importance of projects and priorities to keep everything on track. A change in occupation or location.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. Knight of Pentacles, when reversed: The essence of earth behaving as fire, such as molten magma: One slow to action, even in the most urgent circumstances. A force of nature that cannot be diverted from the wrong path. The voice of duty and honor utterly divorced from reality. Lack of imagination and the complete unwillingness to try a different approach, even if the face of complete failure. Idleness and stagnation.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.

taking delite in one's good fortune.
now there's some good goddman advise.
he's here. he's now.
it's sunday, i can sleep.
i can love him
he loves me
not to be a tyrant.
not to be feared
to be loved.

to be loves.

dense of every level

such a sad life i have if i'm still thinking of him. been making me examine what love is. at least to me. being in love versus loving. gawd dance . i really believe this boy justin is in love. and it stirs me to pity on many levels. i think i'm the kind of person who can only experience a thing once. then it loses its novelty. i can not be "in love" again. i can love but what does that mean? this situation puts me in a place not unlike d's when i was in love with him.

as if there is ever a past tense in that situation...i didn't know that about in love, cuz i had not been.

pale scholars spinning out lists

lavalife is where i go to flirt and pass time chatting with guys who think they want to get into my pants, cyberwise. it's my bar, sans alcohol on my side.


i'm glad you have found a lover who is truly ok. lol not the kind of thing you're used to...what is it about the psyche wants to be mistreated? ooh make my pain esquisite? then the nerves begin to false fire, it's a viscious cycle. more whips more chains more piercings. something ecstatic in the air.

i think that may be why i fixate on the youth of justin. i know he's going to change, but instead of enjoying where he is now, i fret about future. what a dork am i? not always, but in cycles.
sigh. the awareness of the delimma of life does not make it disappear.

so b is fading ? o d
is it something in the water?
i think of your self flagellation
and redemption of word to action
i think of personal apocalypse and lazarutti. i'm listening to a deconstruction of finnegan's wake by terrance mckenna. so this is my background radiation right now. excuse the bs, cuz ya luv me.



*











transparency. associate trees of connection
you get a unique feeling, not anything
you are simulaneously many pov. many places
in the part. riddled with resonance.
levels of obscure mythologies. a dipstick
for your intelligence. mine's a cpl quotes low.
arm your self with simple things. a good map
of ireland, a good book of irish mythologies.
easy to make original discovers.



suprisingly modern. postish with prophecy.
he understood the twentieth century suffecientlyto see with transparency into the how it will ravel.

a skeleton key to finnegan's wake.
it sounds like a life's work.
it infects you. you becme unable
to write or talk any other way.

every part is beginning middle and end.



soooooo last year
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
inevitably hip needs a transplant
tell me your fake memories of me
and i'll tell you mine

you are in a bookstore with a credit card
the card isn't yours. you came into possession
of this card quite innocently. no bodies maimed
no silences manipulated. there was a prerequisite
for flimsy purchases; beguiling footware, negligent
cloth. you wonder as the person slides
the card across the breakfast table, eyes

lascivious on the foot
ball game just beginning,
does the card belong to you? meaning
him, meaning is it stolen? it comes with a PIN.
you peck the cheek then check the wallet.
the id matches. you are playing
a game, paid well. you slip
into something casual from your overweekend
bag. your amsterdam armory. six times now
and you feel your entry
into someone's list. you hope it's for
the well heeled. you adjust your collar.

i watch you from behind the counter.
serriptitious. reading memoirs of a geisha.
you will pay for your poetry and philosophy books
with his card. swipe and enter the pin.
i ask will ask for id this time. you'll not have any.
i'll refuse the purchase, stating how i've seen you
here before and not with this card. watch your eyes
shift briefly inward. i have my best mr smith on.

you lean over the counter, cleavage
snuggling higher, scent magnetic over my wire.
tilt your head and lines of xmas stocking red
etch across a patch of wan sun coming
just now vermeerly through the window.
rayon lineage abuts veinish as silted sea streams.
i put down my pen. recommend a coffee shop
a time of day. you counter with a smoke
shop. i pull out my stash from the counter.
the windows begin to fog.


cut to later
when you've moved in to my apartment
facing a courtyard with a fountain fed
by a polluted underground stream
i'm holding my hands under the water
and your neck is in them. you disolve
you disslove you disapear in blended
chattering. skylarks land on the roof
above me. i remember your curse
as you kicked the door goodbye, stilletto
heels humming. i have my best mr. smith on.





0090


dim. that's my surroundings.
it's been raining for a week
and finally the cold moves in
to accompany it. i face a wall
in a room with no view. all
my looking out comprised of a glass
screen. i miss the natural.

my head is buzz and tighten.
i need to release something
but i don't know what. neck is ok.
eyes, stilted. the dryer
has a sussurration more hypnotic
than waves. circular and spiral
into the a mass sleep. the white
of the screen is a snowy field
i'll never witness. the black
of these letters, droppings
in the blank. i want. i want
but i don't know if it's sleep
or diamonds. some thing could
come and wake me, but i will
it away. i'm tired of all this
searching. they quiz says i'll die
at 71 of cancer. they tell me
i'm a slut, cliched and un
original. i fall from the cold
gray sky, unfrozen. i'm melted
before i hit your hoodie.
i was never a crystal.
i need some energy.
some desire. i'm tired of playing cow.

harold pinter's tounge

"It never happened. Nothing ever happened. Even while it was happening, it wasn't happening. It didn't matter. It was of no interest"

"The words "the American people" provide a truly voluptuous cushion of reassurance."

harold pinter speaks

http://nobelprize.org/literature/laureates/2005/pinter-lecture.html


and says everything that needs to be said
for amerikka to smash the mirror, see
the swazzickkas on our jackets
guantanamo nicuruagua, chile, indonesia.
indiction of bush non parallel.

how long will the rest of the world
put up with the skoolyard bully? hmmmmm?

i'm glad of my fire, it made it easier
to lose things. there is a storm
brewing, it'll hail troopers and anti
aircraft missiles, lights out invasions
china will rescue the world. we've shipped
them our mnf bases. tapestry of lies
he called it. lean back on yr ignorant
cushions he told us. be prepaired for the fire
this time. why do the amerikkan ppl
not see our only rescue is impeachment?
even then, our crimes are horrendous
enough to demand restitution for decades.
africa, south america, mexico, dya
ever wonder why they're paterolling the border now?
he spoke of a growing disenfrachised population
disenchanted, grumbly. iwonder if he realises
how they controll thru the courts...
the border is permeable. this is why they
hatemonger canada. in 2 years we have to have
passports. the noose will tighten. the invasion
will begin. the chess board is beginning to lose
pawns, soon it will bleed bishops. we
need impeachment like a war chant.
come on bloggers wasssup? are we
the ppl in control of this country
or is is the corps.es? how far
will the ignorance rain? who do i need
to call dammit? impeachment of both
the president andthe vice president
a vote of no confidence.
can we have a special election for that?

hey scar,
what's the chances of filing a court injunction
against the further operation of the us guvment
until the blood stained bush cheney rumsfeld triad
in run outta town on a peach?

can we tie the bastards up with red tape
or do they own all that too?

the mending house bells

tolling mildly smell of chopped
lettuce mushrooms onthe cutting board
from behind her past the xmas
tree- 3 feet, apt sized, awaiting
uncloseted memories, things left
from a fire-a video game
blips hypnotically, two twenty
frickin one! says the boy
and the mother lets it pass

hey dude i'm on space race!
the big boy, the one who belongs
no where, makes a home for a shallow
moment, mixes and drains the noodles,//good
for you ...dude.
how does it smell, baby? to the woman
in the chair. she's typing, distractedly
giving directions from the throne
after a buffy day. .

why not say this is we, why not say
i and me. it's all we have to go on now.
third person equals third world. but but
who was stopping you? i mean me, i mean i
sometimes want to hide behind the conceit of objectifacation
perhaps i see it more clearly that way.

pull the focal lens out:

she worked all day looking thru a microscope
at three times resolution. her boss is out with a bad back.
he runs interference on vendor problems so she
can deal with umm, other things. she painted
stripes on her fingernails with scripto pins
spoke harshly to the sales vp. suddenly the kids

erupt in impatience behind her. the portable phone
is a focal point for disharmony. all she wants to do
is sit in the chair and write. it doesn't matter
about what. see how she rambles?


i just read stranger in a strange land again.


smells good.

one matter to feed
it yourself, saying goodbye
choosing change or rebirth[[
his name was joe]] quite another
to have it sprung on you, hobbesily.

but i don't regret it, this paring
down, memorials are only mortal.

there's a somber sonata, greensleeves achey
burning behind the rose bushes this year.
i go outside for a cigarette and the sun's already retreated.
musted muted melancholies. we fought
earlier, a deep lesson in relevance, choices.
i listen to the newly nymphed

smile to yourself

let me explain.
it's not trusting anything
but knowing trust is essential


there's a somberness around
b/c the connections falter
you see it i see it we both agree
it's inevitable.

this rib to the side.
skeins remove the gardash.
only one person i know
then i find out i don't know even me.

i have no adventures anymore
i live by proxy.

for instance? young colt
intuits home is this way, boooze
hound legs. midnight call.
we found him walking around he says
this is his phone number. does he
live there? can we bring him home?
and my first thought is where's the car?
but then i remember he doesn't have it.

sure, bring him home. yes, #2410
i've been denying he can live here
resistance is futile when you don't
have the will to kill the weed.

not really you know? imean i don't want
to enable poor behaviour. but he's not
? is he?
poor behaviour? he looks for a job
unlike some. he's gonna be working
but truth is he'll never be remotely
flush for a long time. so, do i become
his pillar? what am i, concrete>
marble?

we had a fight the toher nite
in a restuarant but we talked
about it after and i feel like
maybe we got somewhere, emotionwise

he says to me, men are fuled by their hormones
and women by their emotions. ruled
not fuled but i think they both apply.

what sux is that as this time
i don't have to time alone to write.
and then when i do get alone and quiet
then it all goes out of my head
the things i want to poem.


the kids will be home soon
and sunday's almost gone
it's been a beautiful day.
last night i thought i was
gonna die soon, and maybe i will
all these pasts coming around
sharing gossip of people i don't
know or i've forgotten but ti's
just a few degrees of speration.

not sure how many. but definitely
paralell actions. oh he wakens
and i realise how much i love him.
how he can help with the healing
how we both have things to teach
each other. he needs to learn
survivial from me and i need to learn
why life is worth living from him...
lol, how ironic, cuz he's still suicidal
to a degree. he never thinks of a future
without me, without actually, us.

i don't know if my girl realizes
that. how attached he is to all of us.
how it wounds him to think of you
and he as enemy. tho of course
he needs an enemy. maybe it had to do
with the pain she was causing me.

now she's out of the imoperable teenishness
of fifteen to ....
but my boy is just beginning. i hope
i can give him some inpetus.

scope says to leggo the ego.
i'm always getting that.

right now i need to see the sun.
this apartment is ok at night
but in the daytime it's much too dim.
much too.

only nine more months here.
but at least i can walk outisde
and see old trees, water and sky reflected there.
dark mirror blues.

and at some point i have to go to the store.

title

rufous. yellowish pink to reddish.
maybe like clay? anyway. as i type this tonite
i see my fingers begin to lose their muscle
memory, my typoze multiply like gnats
in the scurrilous pond. the rofous
sky is reflected in its tainted depths.
everything tinged with decay these days.
talks with old friends, as if i'm seeing
them all, hearing from them, from the last time
tonite in the car i put on a seat belt.
i told myself it was because of the pot
it's always the last time. everytimes we get
to talk, or hug at the door or if
you walk out the room for a taste of hunger
leaving your fat bell lies be hand, be hind
behave. you . tell me i have the voice
but i feel it's gone. no one writes like me
but how is it that no one listens anymore.
no one ever is to blame.

how i see it. no one is to blame. he was all
about it last nite. i told him if you're the guilt
then i'm the blame. it still applies. how to get
past it, how to come to terms with it how to love
someone you know might leave before you're ready.

i'm really so sleepy now. he woke me up
early. now he's out and it's a good thing.
good thing .i need some sleep. gad, i so wanted
to write, but i should be able to tomorrow.

one cigarette more. everything's foul
with the taste of already published.
your back turned to me i see the sneer
at last. grok it, dude. it's why your
glasses is so square. make that two sullibles
and a night stick for the good man.

we played catch up , my friends and me. asking
about loved ones, talking about getting
in touch again, real soon. there is a somber

feel in the stitchery this winter. as if leg
mutton on the table might contain some private
first class. we won't give him a name. must protect
his privacy. mercenaries fun half the show
and the other half is co opted into service.
what am i talking about? amputational scraps,
platitdinous pifferies diguised as the answer
you've been waiting for, even tho you knew it
would remind you of your father.