what yr saying

is you're tired
of this mask. leaving it
is not a question. ah skar,
what fun we once had
you there in your business suit
me in my overalls. each misunderstanding
oh, just everything.

i feel the wrinkling tautness of crease
form from inside the stem, amino acid eeking.

can it really be that you withdraw
in our greatest need? time that was and is to come
without you. why should our need be kneaded
into your pizza pie after all? it is your
lead we followed tra la la but each of us
with our own will. sans vision. the empty headed gone
ness of javascript developement. the way the scones
just popped up or flattened. what happens with
chemical a and pheromone b bursting just like her
you know, athena. never mind all the behind the scenes
preparations. am i even reading you write? have i ever?

some things are just unintelligible. inner screws of this temple
being some of them. was reading over in the faq
on ezbort oh, the business of promotion. oh yes.
stealing bandwidth. tis a sad day when copyleft is reguarded
as piracy. when collage retrains itself for commerce, info style.


ah skar. i fought with my brother
i felt he shouldn't torture squirrels.
he feels i torture him so it's the same thing.
i torture him by saving his thoughts. not in my memory
but in ours. the whole of this thing morphonic.

and skar, listen. why do i write to you
instead of him. i still fixate on some vestige.
i was in love with you first. before even d.
you were more atttached than he.
we are always mistimed. no wait. i forget.
you rejected me when you had a chance.
there is my answer to persist in any other thought
is pure foolish desire. the love i will never possess
o unrequitedness.

so this love. this one.
he is needy. too much so.
so everyone tells me. and i feel it.
why do i want to draw him in like this?
is he my substitute late life
baby? the son i'll keep at home
to support me in my old age?
the love he will only regret
when its too late? he does love me.
my father says i'd love a meal ticket too.
my father says your kids have no respect
my father says i'm not judging, father says someone
has to lay down the rules. father. it is too late
for you to understand what i do. i think i have
raised decent children. did you know that i too
stole when i was a teen? did drugs? was disrespectful
to my elders? does that make you a bad parent?
truth is, no matter what we fuck up
our children
because we gave them birth.
we spend the entireity of that gift
heading for exchange.


but this love. yeah. i could trust it
but it fattens. he fattens. what's up with that?
i think i don't know him at all.
i fatten. what's UP with this? growing cowish.
how to desire the extra juicy again? i can't.
his stomach presses me. i feel oppressed.
his need. oppresses me. i miss him. yes i do.
as an expectation. not as a surprise. as a daily dose
not as what, interest? even? his epiphanies
are often reruns of my younger years.
but he also gives me new understandings.
when he doesn't bend to my experience.

but i threaten. when it comes to sex we are incompatible.
sometimes i'm unconsable. this is why i don't trust it.
i understand a man. either satyr or dionysus.
he becomes both in my company. what he wants is not
what i desire. i want to make love. only want
when i want. otherwise it's a question of how much
seduction, how much participation he
desires. why do i always have to initiate he asks.
b/c u, dear sir, are the one in need.
i dont want it to go to maintainace fucking.
but sometimes that's ok. only sometimes.
see it's the hormonal mismatch. if i were
hot as he is most times then there'd be less
problems. but i have to be revved up. does this mean
he can't make me hot? when the moon's right,
i want him more than any other man. when it's not
he can still turn me. on. the question soon becomes
how much does he want it knowing that his fantasies
are at best a chore for me? there are aspects
of what he likes which i can work into lovemaking,
knowing they give him pleasure. but his rpg's
really have the capacity to turn me off. even when i'm
the dom. but the sub, jeeze. on the wrong day
that can have me wanting to break up.
he's scorpio. so he understands his sexuality
in an intuitive way. he likes what he likes.
doesn't want to delve into the genesis of desire.
emotive vs. intellectual. but i am air. libra.
questioning, weighing, removing sometimes, adding
sometimes, for balance.

for instance he just learned or relearned
that his head was put thru a wall by his mom.
he has fantasies of spanking. there are rumours
thru her of his father's sexual abuse. where
do the lies begin and desire foster? what would
his mother do if she caught eight yr old j
masturbating? catholic. repression . spank him
over her knee? did his cock wither or harden?

why. why? why!? jesus man why can't you see
what this means about my role in your life.
i don't want to be the mom you fuck.
sigh. i want to be loved for me.
getting hungry. feeling funky. shower time.