smile to yourself

let me explain.
it's not trusting anything
but knowing trust is essential


there's a somberness around
b/c the connections falter
you see it i see it we both agree
it's inevitable.

this rib to the side.
skeins remove the gardash.
only one person i know
then i find out i don't know even me.

i have no adventures anymore
i live by proxy.

for instance? young colt
intuits home is this way, boooze
hound legs. midnight call.
we found him walking around he says
this is his phone number. does he
live there? can we bring him home?
and my first thought is where's the car?
but then i remember he doesn't have it.

sure, bring him home. yes, #2410
i've been denying he can live here
resistance is futile when you don't
have the will to kill the weed.

not really you know? imean i don't want
to enable poor behaviour. but he's not
? is he?
poor behaviour? he looks for a job
unlike some. he's gonna be working
but truth is he'll never be remotely
flush for a long time. so, do i become
his pillar? what am i, concrete>
marble?

we had a fight the toher nite
in a restuarant but we talked
about it after and i feel like
maybe we got somewhere, emotionwise

he says to me, men are fuled by their hormones
and women by their emotions. ruled
not fuled but i think they both apply.

what sux is that as this time
i don't have to time alone to write.
and then when i do get alone and quiet
then it all goes out of my head
the things i want to poem.


the kids will be home soon
and sunday's almost gone
it's been a beautiful day.
last night i thought i was
gonna die soon, and maybe i will
all these pasts coming around
sharing gossip of people i don't
know or i've forgotten but ti's
just a few degrees of speration.

not sure how many. but definitely
paralell actions. oh he wakens
and i realise how much i love him.
how he can help with the healing
how we both have things to teach
each other. he needs to learn
survivial from me and i need to learn
why life is worth living from him...
lol, how ironic, cuz he's still suicidal
to a degree. he never thinks of a future
without me, without actually, us.

i don't know if my girl realizes
that. how attached he is to all of us.
how it wounds him to think of you
and he as enemy. tho of course
he needs an enemy. maybe it had to do
with the pain she was causing me.

now she's out of the imoperable teenishness
of fifteen to ....
but my boy is just beginning. i hope
i can give him some inpetus.

scope says to leggo the ego.
i'm always getting that.

right now i need to see the sun.
this apartment is ok at night
but in the daytime it's much too dim.
much too.

only nine more months here.
but at least i can walk outisde
and see old trees, water and sky reflected there.
dark mirror blues.

and at some point i have to go to the store.