i called off sick today
and its true, i wanted to vomit
at the thought of going in
so i said i did
to a machine with no acknowedgement
that it was ok. it just needs to be ok
i'm almost to the point of i don't care
about anything. i think they call that depression
or freedom. i remember us talking about
attachment and how
it causes pain, even
when joyous.
*
maybe i'm just attached to breathing,
*
spohie says the meaning of life
is uncondittional love.
i'm still fabergasted that
anyone can find a meaning.
*
but we need it now
love
who is this we
we are but one
unconditonally attached to how
this being is going. riding the wave baby.
yeah i'm stoned but not feeling it
samhadi, the oneness or
maybe feeling it but
not with the scream of a hawk.
more with the ennui of a jaded god
which tells me there's something
was gona say more but no
different. it's the sameness that's killing me.
how i'm locked into this role due to someone
else's choices. but no. not. i'm not imprisoned
no one has the key but me. i could go off
i could get somewhere where i could ignore
any hint of obligation
yet there i would still be
wanting to breathe. wanting to eat,
wanting to smoke a cigarette.
obligation to the body i can't release.
honey says he's got suicide ideation all
his life. but he thinks it's morally wrong.
i don't have that quandry. mine is pure fear
of the unknown. so why pull so hard
against my willing slavery?
accept it woman. x years a slave.
think of it as payback for being an owner.
bezo's gonna come back
a mutilated indian street beggar.
i mean, if karma's actually anything like
it's portrayed. i hope to be a cow in india
why india? it seems like that's where all the souls
are congregating. no one child policy there.
and cows are not eaten by humans. they're even protected
more than u.s. cats. so it appears that india
is a hotspot of change. i seem to prefer change
though i bitch about that too.
wait wait i just said i don't like the unknown
how then can i say i like change? i'm a walking contradiction.
mostly to myself. i keep the slave pattern around others
cuz that's what ppl are comfortable wtih.
i'm in the house jill built
it's my house
and i want to go outside to smoke
because it's socially unacceptable
to smoke inside, esp when housing child.
if i could do it without being found out
i would . such a fucking coward.
and i'd write outside except
all my batteries are dead. i don't understand
how that happened. i keep waiting
for the whole damn machine to die. or the screen
there are 2 wiring tabs sticking out from it
that only seem to affect the tablet action.
i'm scared to take it apart because
i don't have money for a new one.
lol, and i say i fix things. i'm a repairman.
right.
*
hells bells i can't even walk for 10 minutes
without struggling for it, breath. breatheeee
*
the weather is bipolsr
last night 49 today 73
it's ludicrous. humanity's on the brink
anyway. maybe the late georgia guidestones
were prophetic. i kn ow they were meant to be.
or maybe just a poem sent out from the eighties
to what would be the inevitable end
because we are all noah's neighbors now.
and frankly, god had nothing to do with it.
*
so now i am
outside. some battery charging
went down. there's a car
running, making co2 redolent
scents on the breeze. smelll the warrming.
inside its dusty, dim, disastrous
guillt rises quicker than the gulf
between us; oceans to the side
imperceptibly creep
into my windows
like the neighbor kids eyes
vacuum cleaners fill the air with song
designed to breed shame.
but it's not taking
i keep writing i
light the bong or
another cigarette
sit thru the ebb and flow
of this winter storm
i've been needing to have a day off
ever since i found out about the septic tank.
which adds a whole stress level to the slave book
but really worker b
do slaves even have stress? just
do your job man
do your job
the whip and the lash
are expected, welcomed to show
you the errors of your ways thinking
you could buy yourself out of this.
money is for the free.
*
all of this beating around the bush.
you took a day for therapy.
therapize!
i feel so broken.
i feel like i should have
a different attitude to all these issues.
the dadness , a child, fostering but not
my own grandkids. just paying money
to keep them away. how i can't deal
with the life she chose for them
even tho i'm at fault. i mean if i'd
turned her down at 22
would she still have birthed the others?
why do i feel like she's that stupid?
she has autonomy and choses wrong
about so many things. is it because she is a
narcissist. plain and simple. made that way
but once cast, no undoing?do we really have
no free will?
asks the woman lamenting her fate
and her inability to say no to her flesh
and mean it.
9
so i stumbled on this post
about the mathematical explanantion
upon the way the waveforms work
and though i'm not sure of the validity
of the mathematics
i will say that we can create our own
realities to an extent.
rock in the pond thing.
but truth is, it's not a still pond
and all the rocks are falling all the time
so how to quell those actions
how to become oil. or wind or
see they're so small and evanescent
the changes that occur. easily cancelled.
easily lost. you have to keep drropping them
in the same spot
over and over
but don't forget time
and how they move
the target how the target moves
but stays in the same place
relative to you
how mathematically
you can never reach there
but the waves can take shape
and shape other waves so
maybe there is something to that way
of thinking. i wish i could believe it
so it would happen.
the curse of the semi rational mind.
*
as i sat here outside
after opening all the available
windows here come the clouds.
send in the clouds.
and the kids are home. and the husband is home
and time for doing is nigh.
*
when you read this again, months
even years from now just know
that i hope future me is ok
with these decisions. i hope you're
not living under a bridge i hope
the girls got better i hope you paid
off everyone i hope you bought your freedom
with enough life left in you
to want to keep breathing
to want to dance.
