oh what the actual

 i can't even begin to say

what love is. i thought i knew it

thought i could feel when it dies

dying thoughts i think

i tried to say i felt betrayed i felt unsafe  now

in this thing we're calling what ever that word used to mean

used

meaning now i think you don't know me

respect me at all. i'm trying to say something

different i'm trying to say it hurt me

i'm trying to say you know i'd rather not, no i admantly

refuse i refuse i will not have this child, i'm sorry

if that messes up everyone's plan i'm sorry i take this

as betrayal i'm sorry i'm not into it i can't give a real

apology i'm not fucking sorry. i'm not.

i'm so angry, it's like everyone knows i'm a doormat

so just walk on over. i'm sorry you've been up

nineteen hours and finally made some time for hearing

just a little about what i'm saying instead of talking

about methane or samaranian or another car you found

and will not buy. i was not going to talk about it at all 

but i wanted to i wasn't going to because i just wanted you

to shut up. just to stop talking so i gave you the computer

and then you did shut up so i said something on my mind

this betrayal you shoved on me 3 days ago of which we've 

barely spoken since. the day you told me, you dismissed my concerns

with it doesn't matter, you can back out any time ane when i told you

you were wrong, i already did the research, you thought i was 

talking out my ass but i wasn't, was i, mr do the research yourself.

so then you said i just shouldn't come at all

just let you tell them i wouldn't do it

but i already gave you that chance

and you blew it. you said, ok whatever

will make this go away fastest.

abortion. abortion would have done that

but that wasn't the choice was it? but i digress

we need to deal with the here and now

which is what it is, and i thought you knew that

thought you had my back, thought we were

in agreement on the way foward, which never

included the stipulation in black and white

that i finally got to read on the eve of decision

and what that means and you say it's so simple

but you can't even begin to imagine the things

that can go wrong in the laughing stock of what we

refer to as halls of justice, i guess it's just that

male privelege of which you are so unaware. 

but what hurts the most is not what happened friday

it's the way you're reacting to me wanting to talk about it

tonight. about the loss of trust, the loss of you got my back.

i don't think you do anymore. it was a simple thing to say.

"she does't want to do it"

"but it will be easier this way"

"ok, whatever"

here let me fix that for you

"no, you can't put her on the paper. she doesn't want to do it"

"but it will be easier, the judge will be more inclined..."

"well, be that as it may, we have to go with just me. she 

doesn't want to do it."

so when i tell you how that makes me feel

you simply give me the same excuses over and over

the stress the stress

but oddly enough, for someone who apologises 

for breathing, no "i'm sorry. i honestly thought

it was no big deal" even. even though

you know that it is. so "i'm sorry. i was not at my best.

we'll get through this, we'll make sure it comes out ok.

i didn't mean to betray you, i was just 

saving myself."

i guess i don't think an apology would work anyway.

i don't know. you attack me for talking about it.

you say i'm the one who got nasty first

and i probably did i don't remember just that

 you kept insisting we don't

need to talk about it because it's a non issue

even though it's an issue to me. so your dismissal of these

feelings of not getting my back, i dunno, is that different

from betrayal? like i trusted you to make sure i was not

involved legally. then you didn't do that.

 but it's not written in stone yet

so i just let it go you say

you say i shouldn't worry it's not a thing yet

it's not a thing and i'm just being unreasonable

and have been the entire weekend, demanding things

not asking. and it causes me to think back 

and let's see, saturday i took care of things all day

without even asking you to do so much as

 fix  as dinner

so you could work. then i asked you

i really need help cleaning the house tomorrow, can you help ?

and you say yes

so then i divide the chores that you don't normally do

and ask you to complete them so i can get on 

with my part. so i guess that';s when i was demanding huh.

see we have a problem with communication when i think

i'm pushing but not nagging and you think

because i tell you what needs to be done by you

that i'm demanding. this is a huge issue,

i thought we teaming and  i was even proud 

of myself for just taking the laundry that you 

left laying in the laundry room even after i have 

told you how disrespected it makes me feel that since i've

mentioned it and then directly asked you to NOT do that

you still do leave it every time and simply put it on the chair

that i knew you'd be sitting in again. 

a passive agressive demanding move.

which is what i'ma

do with it everytime now. including the ones hanging up.

no, prolly not the ones hanging. 

i'm not that evil.  

i sat outside and had a cigarette

and thought what if he leaves

then remembered that i can still rent out a room

and make the bills. i can port my phone number

and get a 15 mint program. i don't have to stay

because of finances. yay! 

i can kick him out. and after this, i may.

i just really don't see us getting better.

the problem is going to be around

for a long time. it's so hard to gain respect

when they just don't see why.

healing

 Hello?

hello , did i wake you? 

yes but i was just asleep. what's up?

oh i didn't want to wake you-her voice quavers

a sinusy apology-i'll call later

no it's ok, what's up?

no i think it would be better to talk when you're awake

but i'm awake now, it's ok. i won't go back to sleep anyway

she shoulders on, ok it's just that'

i think we should not see each other at brother's shower

i'll just come early, in fact it would probably be best if we

had limited contact until the baby is born.

i guess, if you think that's best, i can do that. what about the grandkids.

i mean , i can;t have you taking them and exposing them 

to your hostile point of view, calling them accidents, mistakes, oopsies.

it's not right.i chose them,i would chose them each again in a minute. 

you discount their existence, calling them accidents.

wow, but honey, everyone i know is an accident, everyone before me

was a surprise at best. when isay that i don't call them mistakes, i do

say i would have chosen differently. but i don;t even go around calling them

anything but honey and sugar and baby and boo, 

but you've said it to me , mom, and you say it to your friends

and your family and anyone who will listen to your tales and i tell you

it discounts my desires as well as their right to an existence and i will not have it.

she sits back and thinks about what's being said. raised in the era of forced birth,

she cannot feel but her daughter does not see the whole picture. women who were not given 

a choice to become moms, raped girls bearing babies, wombs for the patriarchy.. realizes

she's a radical feminist and can't back down. even though she disagrees with the most radical,

doesn't view all sex as rape, exposed to rape culture from an early age, she somewhat

excuses it, with distate, as the game that everyone was forced to play.  now the tables .

now the turns." accidents" seems so innocuouus, the way of the world. her daughter's point,

 she supposes

is that if you keep an accident, then it's a choice , so intentional. surprise!

so, surprise is ok, though?