the last day

 how it moves into the next

garbling chaos into the moment

you came through the door 

and woke me because you

were hungry.

it felt good to be desired.

but also a kind of burden of existence

like responsibility towards self -thru- other

that my morning head was not prepared for.

get your  own

 poem, i gotta take a shit.

**

woke up

made my bed

let them sleep.

&

the day breaks

at 11. cloudy with skies

on the ground. there are supposed to be

fireworks and celebration later 

at the not-laws. they have a great place

for parties, big back yard, 5 beds, remodeled baths

complete with screened in pool, basement etcetera

great for the kids, the 6 grands and 2 bonus 

whom are oddly left out of the overnights and presents

it's all a big to do but today

it rains. clouds a post nasal drip on the fireworks.

at least there won't be wildfires. lightning, thunder.

we can thank god in its infinite for the silence rain brings.

               

(***)

the way a random white sedan slides

past the backyard neighbor's front yard

drift of smoke of the cigarette dangling

from your mouth

by the lake when we were children

on ten speeds never changing gears

what did we talk about then? how you were

so gay and in love with me and i was not

gay because of childhood babysitter trauma

so though i love you it can only be platonic

and it was pretty well known you were gay in school

so, by association,  must i be cuz besties.

i was unaware of this rep, fucking random guys

because they would. didn't have a boyfriend

didn't seem to help any rep i had or didn't.

no one says anything to me except mom

but she was dying so naturally

i like to leave the past in the past.

(*)

what's going on now?

his daughter's still in jail

her son has hand foot mouth disease

and is currently at his paternal great grandparents

because no school.  how nice we don't have 

to care for that. i'm such a whiner. poor boy

will be sick the whole vacation. treated like a king

though, w/ cable and everything.

my daughter is pregnant again.

i responded with congrats i guess

i just can't. not very supportive but 

at least i didn't recommend abortion 

this time

because why bother? she can't kill her baby inside her

they have wait to be born for that. i did ask her

to get sterilized.

so there's that.

my son and his wife are expecting

as well. i got her a sweatshirt that said "mama'

and,for the babe, some spit cloths. i've known

about theirs since the summer so i had time

to get used to it. plus it's not as desperate with them

they're planning ahead and don't need me to pay their rent.

i just gotta finance emergencies cuz no credit. 

i have not written in weeks. except for some verbals

v to t on messenger. i dn't consider that writing

because i just talk. the machine translates

what i thought i said. 

my honey has depression. i can't help with that

cuz i'm depressed about my own choices.

i don't wanna have to take care of his shit too. 

i'm not a good nurse. 

there were ducks on our porch this morning.

little wet footprints everywhere, i thought

at first

it was cats and wondered how they got so wet,

figured it out with a quack in the distance.

the weather chime in the corner of my screen

says it's 71 F. the sky is darker and heavier

and the chime tells me there will be 

heavy sleet soon. wtf? how do you get sleet

at 71 degrees?

dude, it just changed to 72 F

with on and off sleet.

glitch in the matrix? npc weather?

i dunno, but that's the update

back to you, jane.