the morning of

well, it's not so special. in fact it's a nothing day
another work day, maybe i should stop and see
the grand daughter but i've been reading too much
just no mil and think maybe t've been overreacting
to the poverty, the neglect, the drunkardness
because like i told her, this one's yours. i don't
want a do over baby. .

but here's the thing , i'm getting old.
i mean can't open a jar old. bowel movement
troubles old. i don't know how over 60
makes it. we should get to retire in our 50s
but they move to the 70s. assholes.
i'll never get to retire. forget the age raise
it's the bills baby. i still got em, will ave em
can't get out for 7 more years. hell, i'll be 
a new person then, with genes going
defective, mutating, apoptosing all over the place,
i'm even typing wronger than usual
and words? i keep forgetting the names of things
or the perfect descriptor i know is somewhere
on tounge tip but not mine. and how do you
spell tongue, yeah that way i mean easy words
even, like recieve i'm spelling with red lines.

i sometimes am even tired of living. not thinking
suicide, except financially, but if i do that i
may as well off myself because who da fuck
gonna pay for me who gonna feed me
when i'm broke. honey just found out
that student loan he let go rouge is back
and it's green and big as hulk an gonna stalk him
for the rest of his life. so that dream of staying
home and taking care of him while he works
is for another woman, another time. in fact
he already did that. got a couple of kids from it.


so it's work time now. i better get going.
just let me finish this joint and visit john
one last time.

tnbp2

the night before you came home

let's-do-something-restless. fickle 

in desires, we couldn't settle on it

so you turned on the tv where real 

lives were led. only it wasn't a tv

anymore, we were well into the

the twenty first century, adulting

with the best of them, virtually

involved with memes and podcasts

that made us feel relevant and somehow

useful. let's call it entertainment.a game.

the night before is restless, wants happening
to happen now. unable to  to embrace
d\the undertow , wide awake we guess-
what's under the tree, what costume will she
wear, what will be in the basket, what's it like
to be married, a soldier, a college student,a kind-
dergartener- filled with  top of the roller coaster
 excitement, a small bewilderment
that life could be lived after this defining moment.

the night before every thing was prepared
except us. we knew it was coming, didn't plan
didn't think about it, didn't care. the warnings
went out months beforehand. still we drove
to work, dropped the kids at school, ordered
from amazon, opened the car doors like any
other night, emerging into dusk a conquered
nation, ready to keep peace in the house

 the night before lasts forever
 gone in a moment's sleep
you wish it when you want to
for it we do not weep.


aaaaaand that's work!

the night before p1

this began with a vague ambition, intentions
on the lam, a hidden spree always triangulating.
it was the immigrants or the icemelt or gramma
weeding roses in deep winter, the winter wouldn't


 let spring get on with it wouldn't  let
babes wander his receeding snowline,
reapplied propecia packs until well into april..
we couldn't do a thing,  all seasons have narcissistic

tendiencies but winter trumps them all
with the icy bitch face, the plan spoiler blizzards
the oversepping boundaries into southern places
 he shouldn't be seen . always wearing a coat and hat

insisting you do too--here this white one fits,
 put in on. put it on PUT IT ON. a real
 justnomother in law. but if winter's dad,
then spring's the mother, exposing the births.


*


 tropical clime is my habitat. the spring
pansies are golden haired, brown eyed and thirsty.
we're spared rain for the tourists. i think it has something
to do with the chemtrail contrails overhead but we

will never learn. just another contheorcy tm. and i feed
into tradmarking new coinages that limit the bandwidth
of meaning. sitting here on my podium, a fidget spinner
with a seat, like neat how can i get one of those, padded

like the cell i barely missed when i started 
this fool's journey through the tarot of life. i stopped
reading the cards when i met you. something about us
seems already told anyway, but i want to let each

disappointment be a surprise, each broken promise
a revelation, every expectation dismissed, the volt
of reality should pierce my heart at the last minute
all hope a scuttled ship, and let me slip

into goodbye with no life jacket, third time down.

re