then the next

this writing has become strictly and exactly

what it was all along, journaling.

sometimes, some things evolve poetic

but honestly my honest

 voice now is gutpunch

reality. simple? it can be. 

my reality is simply arise to toil

then fall into painful rest after.

i am not doing any of it strictly for me

and the time which is mine

i waste scrolling reddit.

not even trolling.

last nite i found out i'm a terf.

and that's the reality. when i was a child

finding my role in the unfair world

the things that women were allowed and disallowed

must be swallowed as if biologically necessary. 

the fact of menstruation

the fact of pregnancy

the fact of not being considered worthy of education, much less higher.

the fact of paid-less than

the fact of considered less than

the fact of girls just don't

the fact of boys just can

the fact of women drivers

the facts of no women anywhere in positions of power

the fact of oppression of the female due to biology mostly centering around 

the fact of menstruation

the fact of pregnancy

for fuck's sake women couldn't even publish as women

as little as 150 years ago in the moderne weste 

and vote? there are those that insist women should not have been given it, to this day.

not to belabour a point but the fact 

of preganacy

the fact

that abortion was not an option

so now some males feel trapped in a male body and think they need to be female.

ok, i can dig it. then go all out. you'll never have to menstruate or worry

about pregnancy. but at least commit and cut off your penis and testicles.

that's the very least sacrifice you could make to fit the female. 

all the rest of it is merely cosmetic and as ru paul can attest

cosmetic is convincing enough. trans exclusive? nope. you wanna

transition, then trans i tion. don't go half way. bottom surgery first.

after all, when a cis female first bleeds-that's when  we call her woman.

radical? oh yeah baby. as radical as any pre pride parade boomer second wave

feminist that still likes men can be. oddly enough i don't have the same issue 

with female to male transition. however, no penis, not a man.

on a date with one, one time. i didn't know he was trans. he never told me but

his penis was the size of a finger. there was a high school photo

of a girl that appeared to be his daughter hanging in the hallway

but it was of the style of the 60's, not the 90's. hmmmm. anyway

i wouldn't Not call him a man, but he wasn't a man i wanted.

just as a hole is not a vagina, an extended clitoris is not a penis.

i can't justify my reactions. at this point, they feel visceral.

like, all the crap and bullshit that comes with being a woman, these cis males

want to CULTURALLY APPROPRIATE by taking hormones

and having surgery. i've listened to many of their stories. i believe them

when they tell me they feel alienated from their gender. they ask me why

i care what's between their legs and i must answer 

in afghanistan, it's the only thing that matters.

we are not that far from afghanistan.

if i dye my skin black because i don't feel like i'm a white person

how is that any different from transitioning gender?

why does it matter i didn't form in a black cultural environment?

why does it matter my current position in life was enhanced by systemic racism?

i declare i am black, i FEEL black. this surgery will make me look black, this wig

will make me be black. therefore  YOU must think of me as black. 

and maybe you can, maybe you can forgo your logic and knowledge of the disparity

between black experience and white experience in this country alone

and acknowlege my desire and attempts to REPRESENT as black.

so that now both you and i live in a delusion 

that to have directed  racist experiences only as a grown ass adult

is not only valid but de facto true. 

however i beg to differ. 

so to be woman, to chose to change genders 

should be a decision considerate of the whole of the other side's 

experience. if you, as a transgender woman, cannot understand

why i would be trans exclusive to a portion of the trans community

which doesn't wish to join the sisterhood in sacrificial integrity

then i don't consider you an ally, so why should you consider me one.

you do know, don't you, that women's orgasms have not, for many men, ever

been considered important? welcome to the club.