Monday, July 09, 2018

and that's the thing she said

 i want to look out this window and pretend
i have insight into what's out there.
but it's the same unfiltered courtyard
the same eyes staring from blackout
curtains so a glimpse of the sky
feels like some sort of freedom, crickets
sound an anthem for hot
  summer breezeways that lead to
  alt worlds.  i just want you to understand
it was too much to bear. the judgement
and questions ,implied or existant,
seemed unwelcome either way 
we couldn't talk anymore, standing
in a time poisoned river surrounded
by dead promises and rotting dreams
mourning the hot iron's unstruckness.

or maybe that's all in retrospect.
the sun does its usual thing out there
i've been stuck inside all day but i know
looks are deceiving. it's a sauna
outside, barely worth getting dressed for.


i gave a party and only a third of the people
who responded showed up. there was way
too much food but i blame myself
for not checking in with the kid before
ordering. all i get is vague answers so maybe
that's the thing. i need to communicate
better, stop making assumptions.
i shoulda just made reservations
let them deal with it all. same price
easier on the body. or forget parties
completely because for reals
how is that better than just
buying the shit she needs outright.
the way i figure it, those blankets
and onesies and single box of diapers
cost about 30 bux a piece. and no crib
in sight.
somehow your desire to throw a shower
which is different from a dinner or party
became my plan and burden to bear.
it really sucks that's what i did. why?
i thought it would be cheaper. but not
in to day's age and time. nopes
it's better to have it a place
and just show up with the presents
and that's how you have a get
to know you gathering. live n learn
but i don't think i would need
to do that again.

shit. i just want to talk about it
and feel not so much justified
as damn woman, as shown a bit
of gratitude. yeah it's like the pops says
she's not very grateful. but
maybe she can learn.


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