why i go on lava

still?
you have a bf now.

i do. i dont
know how to spend my freee
non dating time now
that i have some more cuz the man's
being a dad, is that not sick? can't
find something else to do when he's not around?
go on LAVA?
tg he's not a jealous man.
but he should be, apparently i
am not a stand by your man woman
i dont want to have to take care of your mess
i have enough of my own.
that i can't clean up.
im also mentally unstable i would not
bake cookies for christmas and send timely
thank you notes i am waltzing with self
loathing and the windows are open
bc the ac broke on the end of the world
and i had to go to orlando to cook.
it's not an emergency it's january and the temps
are in the eighties. let my daughter learn how
to weather the coming of the warmth.


so why lava?
it's men at their basest.

ahhhh, so you don't want a new bf?
no i want my bf to be able to be with me.
i want to do things with him. i find i'm in the same
situation i was when i was with my ex husband
staying home, waiting for him to come home as well.
i can't do this again.

so it's not sex?
duh. so not.

but  lava allows you to...
flirt, feel attractive, hit men in the plexus or wherever they're most vulnerable
the men are on there for fantasy
as am i. i get off thwarting their desire
but i really don't.
 behind each chat i can
 feel them jerking off
with ten windows open
 hoping for a voyeur
a fellow traveler .

and you don't join them?
i reply. not in their manner but some
will turn any reposte into another jerk.
it's ok though. i always tell
them to imagine
it's so much better that way.
i am your multiplexed dream fuck.




*(&())(&)(&)()*()*(


ampersand.


sowhat about the lettuce
the burnt finger on the dike
the aloe, disappearing.

i don't know why i can't become
what you want without all this work.
to complain of my circumstances
is all i do. wah! so i do not write.

these certainly arent poems
that i live through right now
right now i'd have you in my arms
taking the pain away one more time.
i'm not the way i should be, trash
on the floor, signage on the door
go away. dream state in five minutes.

i wanted to write again because it used to make me feel good.
  i was doing something i was meant to do.
why wasn't i meant to raise a healthy daughter?
now when i write my back takes over
the ache in my neck is all consuming
but i detach in a way. close my mind with tequila
and weed. speaking of which
lets load a bowl, spark a joint.


















*(&


i could go to tarot
haven't done that in a while.
how long, or lord how long
we talk about positive thinking
bringing good into our lives
the power of plus.
last nite i read an essay by
a behavioural scientist who is convinced
we have no free will.
so if i can't think positive there must be
a genetic/societal reason
and it's not my fault dammit
the gods the gods the gods






oy vey. my aching back.




















(*




so yeah, the universe as mind
is finally gaining ground. do you think
this is close to the time we wake up?
after we map our code, trace
our neurons, axons and gluons
into the outermost regions of the big bang
see the eye as it died into us
will we simply, as the zen masters say
wake up ?



what then homey? how long before you're
exploding into the streets of calcutta how long
before you're bacterium on the banana peel
and really, who cares?
when you get bored you go back jack do it again.
and you get bored when you already lived it all.









(*)




i'd like to surf the verge
you put together on the night train
between budapest and tarzeelan. but
that's what movies are for
watch the stars as they fade into
the morning, losing face and voice
to the overwhelming force of the sun.
try as we might we cant get the rest
of the satellites on the grid.





*(&


the real reason, doctor
that i'm stuck in my room
is the overwhelming need
to clean the filth that is in my house
when i emerge from it.

and the concomitant bitchiness
that naturally arises from these actions.
so to keep the peace i sequester the ogre
in the confines of her half of the house.
write the night away.
accomplish nothing.

at least tonight i quit the damn thing
quite early. quite bored. i want
what i want, but mostly i want to be with you
not some fleshtoned zombie from the internet.
hope i'm done widdat for a bit. awwww shit.