fault/line

i wish we could try again. i miss you.

how can you miss me? you're still talking to me
i'm still replying. maybe it's the thought of the future
you miss. yet you talk so much in past tense
it's aleady gone. you sound like i did with 2ybf.
as if i were the young woman and you were the infant...


but to see the pain you had on sunday kills me.

well, that pain is one i go thru every weekend before sunday night
you did not know? i am rather used to it. i've rehearsed saying
that to you over and over and now that i have i can't take it back. again.
again. again.


sigh. 3x charm.




and it's all my fault.




yes you could have
held me at any point
and dispell the demons
taken heart in hair, a stroke
of commonality, remind me why
i say it, this "i love you"

i told you the problem
you resisted it. you didn't hear me wail
till i wailed. at least she didn't fight
all the way home. she even asked him to bite her
shoulder. twice. he does. twice. the second time
she says "i was kinda waiting to see
what you would come up with on your own."
her neck exposed, the curve at her shoulder a cave
to explore with his absent tongue
but she forgets his repression, thinks he would
undo civilization in an afternoon at the beach.
no one wants to be known that intimately/ he defends
the silent chatter designed to defer and sublimate
the truth of the weekend. i'm feeling bad
she knows i've been feeling bad all weekend i
made a point of showing her the meds i had to take
this burning is killing me and she is caught up
in seven years of eating lust crusty with life
alone in a marriage of which she still doesn't understand
the basis . was he a mistake all along and she knew it?
she can't believe her younger self was that stupid, that
desperate to be loved. wasn't there anything good in it all?

but then she knows that's exactly what it began as. a desperation
to be allowed to stay with this handsome stranger, a hope
that he might be able to help her
focus her life, despite the wrestling
matches on tv, despite the drag
races, despite
riding the uncomfortable
back of the cafe racer, a bicycle
built for one, on the long ride
to the track, she always felt
out of place in the convoy or whatever they call
groups of bikes travelling together down
the highway. she wants so much to be rid of it
that past before even her children,
that she forgets all the nomenclature
now. she remembers you told her
about the will to reincarnation. she's
discovered the secret to engram decay.

but therein lies the danger
you must remember or repeat history
cliche imprinted on bones so deep
we forget it's there. doh! slap
everytime we do it again.


so she says to him no
and he's like you're telling me no?
think about it
and she's like no
i can't do it no to the moving in
no to the dating no to watching the kids
for you no to the everything just no.
all or nothing.
you chose nothing.







and that's where i seem to fail the most.

yeah, your choices are pretty rotten

but believe me when i say i want to change.

yeah so does that crow flyin across water's ave
in the spittin rain.

to be who i am.

you're saying this isn't you? it's
almost the only you
i know.





i have lost myself with all the shit going on around me.

so i guess i never knew ye


i do take the blame . it's all my fucking fault.
once again, i've failed you, myself, my kids, and everyone around me.




oy you're such a drama queen too.
as if life is written in stone, or filmed
and printed and released to the theaters already.


why didn't you know all you had to do was hold me?
what happend to you when you were a man
why is every fuckin thing a competition?

but it really is too late she says
when he tells her he moved the appointed hour
up an hour. there is a tennis match with hearts
being served up love/30 for the next 20
minutes but in the end love , as always
loses cuz it means zero on the playing court.


when he hugs her goodbye she feeds him the null
by clenching her fists and her skin tightly
so no emanations from new agey chakras can escape.

"there , how did that feel?" she hiccups in a snarl.

pretty bad, he admits.

yeah well that's how i feel every weekend. i thought i
wouldn't this weekend. k?
she hisses when he says he'll call her.