this is not an attempt to be misread

 reading thru recent posts i see that this has become

my bitching moaning place. i guess it always was.

anyway

i don't want this kid.

he is always saying how much he loves me now.

it reminds me how kids always want to please

the abuser. so now i'm an abuser.

it's totally subconscious.

the other day he sneaked into our room

while we were smoking

twice, once

after ii closed the door.

i burst into his room , snatched

the tablet out of his hands threw it

on the floor and sbarled 

if you EVER go into our room

or MY room without knocking and 

PERMISSION i will smash this tablet

to smithereens do you understand?

so that took care of that for a while.

i've done the same to my own. you gotta set boundaries

and clear consequences.  if i were forced to birth

a child then raise it i woild feel like i do about him.

which sucks. i am too selfish to foster. so that makes me

de facto

harmful in this situation. even when un sub conscious.

the right thing to do would be extract myself. 

not their fault. entirely mine.