bastille

 to finish this i think i was 

thinking of the song happier

and how the band name and song

align together to describe how i 

sometimes think of our relationship now

i as the object of the song

who would be happier

and you as the subject saying

that's what you want

for me. and how you chose goodbye

over change, that was never

part of your vocabulary

but i was good until i have to

take care of a baby 

who isn't mine and how much

good can it do when i resent it

can't get over resentment

it wavers in my gut, snatches peace

i resent working for him

and the ones i pay rent for

more than rent

and how i could have  money

or peace and i chose peace

but how that peace is shattered

by the duties and how i wish money

could buy me out of that obligation

which isn't even MINE to begin with except

in an it takes a village kinda way 

so i want to know where the hell is the village

when it's my blood that suffers

how come i'm the only one in the village

that cares about that? wtf, this isn't even my village 

i guess. they've made that clear, his mom

made that clear. show me pictures of baby him and me

doesn't scan. isn't.

***************

just, thiis keeps circling

i feel trapped

that bitch is not going to go to work

and that bitch is not going to stop using

and while i can deal with that bitch

the druggie is pissing me off because i can't 

buy my way out. i have to be there.

and i don't want to have to be. 

sometimes i don't mind the being

is that having that always pisses me off.

and i k now that's selfish but i don't care

if you call me that. i only care what the pissed off

might do to the kid. sigh. so i tamp it down

but it comes out anyway. i don't have

the same excuses for him as i do for mine

who i don't have to take care of. 

i want to be who i am, gramma,

not some kid's too old mom.

and that bitch mother of his with her delusions

of normal. oh dear why can't you get your kid back

you meth head. i hate you for it. i don't care

if you're psychotic. you managed it before

with  meds and clean living. too bad you were fat

and getting older. now you're a skinny methhead

who lost her kid. same as all your low life friends

 now you fit right in. just move to philly

and be done with the farce. you will never

get your shit together again. give him up

so your sister can raise him.