denudement

when my c
car was still an infant
you dropped a lit cigarette
on her lap and burnt a hole
in her seat. you said you'd replace it
as soon as you could. you said.
but you had no money then
no job, no prospects, you even got
kicked off ebay but i said ok.
i believed you. but no more.
i don't believe you because you told me
it was an accident why should i have to pay
for an accident you're so penny pinching
penny ante bullshit just name a day
and i can tell you what you and yours destroyed
of mine.

well, that shut me up.
but all you can come up with
is the cymbal case at least 200 dollars you said
that the cats pissed on when i used it
to cover up the spot they were pissing on
on the living room floor you and i put in
less than 2 years ago. and that was no
accident. i didn't realise you wanted it
replaced. you said nothing. i am going to order one
tuesday and give it to you. because it was my fault
that they pissed on it and i will take responsibility
for my actions. and i don't want to say anything
about it. actually i will just give you the money.
that's so much easier than actually doing the ordering
and then i will feel that i took care of my shit.
which is more than you do.

it should come as no surprise to me.
i saw you do it to your dad .
why would you have more respect for me
than him.

your contention is that i am always mad
about something and that if it wasn't this
it would be something else. and perhaps
you are right. i am annoyed at the amount of promises
you insist on making when i ask you not to
that then get broken. so your promises mean nothing
to me. you break them as you make them.
it was not always this way. i was not. i believed you
but the last four years has belied that belief.
i guess if i'm not dead and you're not dead
then you could still fulfill them is what you think,
but a deadline is a deadline. two hours late
or two lifetimes it makes no difference
the promise was broken.

and maybe that's my issue. i believe promises.
 i don't make them unless i can deliver.
but that's not how everyone views them in fact
almost no one does. so our litigious society.





so expect nothing, despite promises>
my god that is hard to take.
i mean come on...future!!!!!










i leave it up to you to believe in the fantastic

while searching for the cioran quote that paraphrase is from
i re read him,he always
makes me smile.
he never had much use for love.

you just tole me because i feel like you
are a spoiled brat and i forget the other things
i called you but they were not nice
irresponisble was one
did i say liar, con man, no no
user.

irresponsible spoiled brat user.
then you said no, that's what you are.
so we both feel like we're being used?you said
thats not love.
you dont like me. u say i say

so we're both spoiled> do you feel you cater to me
becajuse i feel i do to you.
do you walk in tiptoes

all i was going to say is don't smoke them all up this time.
but i said more. and i got the money to fix my car
but i had to call your bluff. now, show me the bills
reciepts for the goddamn plumbling stuff
and i'll pay you back then fix my own damn car.

i don't want anything from you anymore.
you have strings. i don't quite understand how you use them
but they pull me crazy have me afraid to speak
truth to you because , like with everyone else,
as you so kindly pointed out tonite,
i am just a harridan bitch who's never satisfied.

man. i don't feel like i've changed that much.
it always takes me forever to cum. i am greedy,
i told you that from the start . you have to take to me
this place where i no longer exist, so i can feel again.
sorry. but that's not different.  y


i think we've come to the point of weariness.
the point where the cons outweigh the pros.
glad i wasn't asleep there.
the pros are body resonance still.
the pros are we make a good team
when we actually work together and you don't
have to do it all yourself but you are teh one
who tells me not to, you are the one says
take it easy you are the one who has culitvated
these expectations and now you despise me for it.

you actually said " i pay for everything" tonight.
lol, i thought you wanted to. and you know that's a lie anyway.
so. you shouldn't have promised me a bed
or that you'd fix my porch or that you'
wait,
you didn't say the word promise. i wish then,
that you'd never said you'd do these things.
but since you did, i will release myself from
the belief and then i won't be waiting for you
to do it. yay!

that should be easy enough as tomorrow you will be gone.
pretty sure of it. when tomorrow comes, i'll cry
but tonight i'll sleep because frankly like i said
every fight we've ever had is because you said you'd do something
and then didn't. and then i ask and ask and ask.
how stupid am i. the first time he doesn't is the answer.

so, going foward/,  i don't know ,,,are we. i don't know.
almost don't care. almost. almost.