blank ette

well, i am feeling it, now it's been what
five days without my meds and i think
damn, i wish i had some.  i'd like to go
into the trance and be able to write about
this trip with some degree of poetics
but no, i am stuck in the quotidian
and alcohol is not the way for me to get
into the groove, girl you gotta prove
it was not all some blastastic anomaly
that everyonce in a while you were able
to make something that blew off the back of
well, at least, your own head.
course i never could tell which of them
would knock out someone else.

hmmm, i could critique. but i don't produce.
there's nothing i'd like to post, it's all so
blah. the lines i come up with seem
like someone else's.

for years i searched for non
attachment . but still i felt
too much- your pain, her pain,
his pain, our pain. then i got sciatica
so i began to rewire out of desperation
and now i can feel almost nothing.
everyonce in a while sadness, but joy
is so rare and i miss it.
the desire to desire is still desire
is what the zen masters might say
but what a weak desire this is.
no object to focus upon
no lows no highs.
a blank gray, like dc's spring skies.
what can you dream of when
you hold your main desire in your arms
while the sublimational desire
becomes too much work
so you shut it down.

i could dream of publishing

i could dream of writing a good poem again.

i could dream of a community of writers
that would spur each other on like we once had.

my whole body is weary, and it's from less
than the walking.

after a few days, visitors begin to stink
but i'm trying to stay out of their way.
i am thankful that d gave up his office
for me to sleep in, but that's not my room.
i was supposed to be at a museum today
or anywhere else but here.


so i called you to see if you'd like to meet up
but what i really wanted was some meds.
only 2 more days and i can get a refill so
it's ok that your girl is not into it. maybe also
you are not into it, but you won't say it.

it;s ok that life moves on around me
a swirling that is vivid stained glass
viewed from this blasted center.

i'm so close to tears now.
thinking how the rest of my life
could go. i'm so weary i begin
to understand the suicide
because if life is going to be this
until i die, i could die now
in your arms, my love
while we still do.


































******




i must begin to make time
for this again. maybe
i could find that writer's group
and we could make magic again.
but what are the chances
a similar group of misfits would meet?
i believe we've already launched
that improbability drive.
i should do the work now.
work now.

but remember how i tried, the manuscript
that was like a movie you once watched
because it was neccesary to view that lesson
but you simply cannot watch it again.
or you want to take and cut snippets but .

so anyway. i should prolly do that work
and find some places to submit it.
odet.
shit that's coming up.
poems of floriday.
what do you say, tryit tryit and you may.

lol, the tarot card for the day is

the five of cups, loss.





***************








so this reading is not the usual cross and circle
it's called esteres planetai meaning wandering star
the question is help me find my passion, oh please dear tarot.



the first card

is earth-where you are now

time for meditation is over dear high priestess-reversed
you have search, taken quiet time, regrouped
or
it is time to begin though you may feel
that you have been here for months
still the answer lies deep within
though you know you know it
 the high priestess indicates this is spiritual in nature


the second card
is moon- those things and people and experiences
which surround you now

is could be a spiritual subtext

the eight of pentacles implies great diligence and focus
you are alone in this task bcause it is your task
which requires diligence, knowledge and detail


the third card
is mars-those things in opposition

strength inverted can mean it's coming
or it just passed, this strength, that flows
through you . the symbol above your head is infinity
yes, you need it now, it will come to your aid
when you need it, though now you may feel
as if you are tapped out. another major arcana
card my love, this is spiritual journey.belief in yourself
be compassionate, be  patient, control softly
this is needed in your life.




card the fourth

jupiter-represents achievement, gain and expansion

which presents himself in the tower
a card of change and upheaval, surprise
revelation, release. your world shall change


card the fifth-inverted

sarturn assesses and judges and finds that you
are a king of wands whose light is either
just leaving or just about the begin.
since the question is help me find my passion
the answer is be creative, inspiring, forceful
charismatic and bold.

well of course, all these things are needed for passion.
stop giving in to the scorpion.
do not fear the bite you can overcome it.
plus, that scorp's grown enough
and his own journey to make.
and maybe he will not sting you this time
lol, where is the optimist card?

sixth card

mercury is all about the bizness of bizness
it moves fast you know, its silvery path around the sun

and you are seeing the four of cups-inverted
which person rejects the offer of friendship extended
rejects the world outside herself
but i really do reject business, the selling of self
apparently i should maybe stop focusing on this self
and join the rest of the world or maybe i'm so weary of self
that i should focus on the rest of the world.
no more lyric poetry, only poetry from stories outside.
hmmm. at least that's different...

card the seventh is about love and relationships.

you get the empress. you love, you are loved.
you are mother, you are gaia, you have this abundance
you can share and your spirit will lift and dont forget
you are loved, you love, your love is his love as our love.


and finally card 8, the sun's position
tells you of outcomes, success or failure
and in this reading you have found the card of death.

inverted. which means, according to my sensai,
influence coming into focus, or just passing out.

death means a door closes, it's transitional, one state to the next.
it means your opportunity is arriving to stop being this way,
so weary blase.

you have the skillz, you have the love,
why do you insist on some outside means of passion.
it is here within you, it's your spirit. time to transition
out of the money honey, put your energies to where
they will inspire you. or yeah, just stay stuck here
in this weakened line of non inspiration on pain.

oh yeah.  the choices could not be clearer.
now i have to sleep.