about to post this on abortion changes you dot com

it seemed like i could get pregnant at the drop of a ...let's say hat. the first time i was 17, a one night stand with a boy who already had a kid and one on the way. i was a freshman in college and used all my savings and18th birthday money for the abortion-welcome to adulthood.  the only loss i felt that time was fear. the second time i got pregnant was by a guy i dated for only three months. he stopped seeing me the night i told him. i felt the loss of money that time, a bit of self esteem because of his cold hearted denial -"it could have been anyone", he said to me. nice guy. why would i want to carry his seed? 

i was raised in an era of illegal abortion. two of my relatives had teen pregnancies that went to term. one gave hers up for adoption; the other younger one backed out of adoption at the last minute to live with the father of her child. she was fifteen. both of the girls lived with my family while they were pregnant. it was considered shameful for them to be pregnant. it was the same kind of societal shame i see being foisted on women today who decide to terminate unwanted pregnancies. just like my relatives were, they are called names and made  to feel guilt due to someone's moral judgement. i think god uderstands that sometimes the life would be better unlived, and places no guilt on the results of bad timing. in the case of my relatives, neither of them wanted to be pregnant, but they had no choice after the fact. when i compare my loses to theirs...well, i had none

the one who gave hers up was victim of date rape. the other one gave up autonomy when she was yet a child. she married the father, they had more children. not such a loss after all, i suppose. my own father wonders why women bother to get college degrees if all they're going to do is have kids. 

 my third pregnancy was terminated at tweny five weeks. because i was a drug addict. i denied i was pregnant but when it finally became apparent even to my drug addled brain, i chose to not bring a drug harmed child into the world.  the father of this one was my long term partner, also a pill head. luckily , our sources dried up around the same time as i had the abortion. i think i was  finally being clear headed enough to make the right decision for me and any future  child. so we stayed together, he and i. 

got our shit together,  finished school, got a good job with nice benefits and no overtime.  i was there three months and discovered i was pregnant. i was almost thirty, been with this man for seven years. we got married and had a wonderful baby girl. i couldn't have been happier, despite his out of nowhere claim, shortly before she was born, that i "trapped" him. but about those abortions- i had no thoughts  in any negative manner. couldn't comprehend why i should. i would raise my child with two parents, the time for me and children was right and both our lives would be better for it. 

then when my daughter was two, i got pregnant again. he didn't want thebaby and i was overwhelmed with a full time job, dealing with day care and all the household duties and a giving my toddler the working mother's quality time. my husband was not exactly helpful with much of this, although he would laughingly point out that i'd missed a spot as i cleaned my morning nausea from the bathroom floor. having an abortion this time literally saved my life. i think i would have killed myself from post partum depression had i gone full term. we had no family to support us, and he was becoming increasingly hostile and emotionally abusive. i savored the times he went fishing or really anywhere away from me with his buddies. but he was so good to our daughter, once she could talk and run and laugh and fish with him. she was his little princess. i loved that about him so i stayed, despite the jekyl hyde he was with me.  i cried at the clinic this time. i did so want my daughter to have a sibling. and the times had changed, there were real protesters out there, with signs i refused to read. i knew all about both sides of this coin. but i cried in the office and they asked me are you sure and i said yes. this is for the best. i think there was some relief in the crying as well. 

i had been on the pill for years and i smoke. it gave me migraines but i went back on it for a couple of years more. then we tried condoms and i watched my cycle. i remember the night our son was concieved. i clearly told him this was not a good time. i said if get pregnant, this time i'm keeping it. i kept my word. then i had my tubes tied. a few years later the emotional abuse got too bad and i left him.  i love my son and daughter with all my being. i wanted both of them and though i've made mistakes with them, i never regret waiting until the time felt RIGHT to have them, when i was mature enough to be a parent and provider for them. 

if we focus on our losses, we can never really live life as it occurs. that's not what god wants us to do. i realise that i need no forgiveness, for potential is not the same as what is realised when you decide to bring a life into this world. god wants us to be ready to be parents. i fully believe this. this is why we have knowledge to help us delay that choice until it's time.