the hot mess of our pasts

sake buzzd we pull  up 
to the shell station  for  smokes
there's a  line  i want to  write
   forgotten by  the time 
i get home. 

you lived the  original weeds  script
cuz    the  house was only  24k
one neighbor-an  80  year old
danish pimp, and on  the other side
they  sold crack
 on weekends and  holidays
but otherwise  kept the driveway  clear.

i leave the house on a third  acre  
with a  pool  for  intinerant  romance
the next ten  years i'm a  careening
plastic bag  filled with someone else's hot air.



the kids i  said. what am doing
to them  when he was  suicidal  at  7
and she pulled a knife on  me  at 12
   we always fuck up our kids
one lover said, then went off
to prove it with his own.

   she  kept clinging to the car when i told her  i was
leaving now.  three  weeks later
the  cops came  and threw  me in  jail
for trying  to  run her  over.
not  convicted,  you understand
but  it  cost me more than  one position.


i  broke  up with him
several times because his  priorities
were fucked. but  i loved him anyway
and in my own ADhd way
i was  faithful to that for 3 years
2 or 3  weeks  at a  time.
instant relationship  stew
going  gangrene  straight into scientology.

the cougar is  a  uniquely  transitional  woman
  the  young take
so much  energy.  and the co eds
how they will do anything for an  
A except the  class  work. i threw  them
out of my  office.   i have  daughters.


he  taught  me player
she  taught me slayer

why  did we stay  so long
in  things designed for profit
 tenure  is  about 
publishing.   no room for  ideals
that's  why i  didn't get it.
i didn't get that
you  gotta get the funding
  to do the science
to  do  the art

well, i think it may 
have been the drugs
but  it may  have been
the lack of hugs

s