someone else's problems

tonite we write the letter
to his lawyer, stating her demands.
at least that's a goal. we try to find
the paperwork her lawyer is chastising
her about. oops she filled it out wrong
thinking, i guess, that this lawyer
would dispense estimates and maybes.
but no, her job appears to be intimately
tied to acuring reciepts and proof
of the way they lived their lives before
because she wants
alimony she wants him to pay
for the mental violence , the way he choked
the love from her finally getting
physical she wants him
to pay for the for the diseases
she got from him, the ones he hid
until they told her she can't
donate blood anymore. "he was a paramedic
for chrissakes, he got pricked with a needle
who knows how many times. we were married
twenty years and i never cheated on him
and now i can't ever have sex again. goddamn him
anyway". but it's not aids? no but look at this.
and she gives me the report, the arc of sickness,
cdc appointment, blood test. insists i get
checked too, "because who knows girl, i'm not showing
any symptoms but i'm a carrier. you've been
single a while who knows what you
could have" and i think of how you
just got your blood
tested and everything was normal and if i had
something i'd have given it to you, right?
right? it'd show up. but i say to her ok
you've convinced me to do it. and
she has, indeed, what makes
me think i can stave off
mortality's busy metastizisation much longer.
i keep saying all i need is five more years
but when the reality comes down
that doesn't seem near long enough. she's worried
about being alone says
i need you guys to come by, come see me sometimes
i beat my head against the wall
i was thinking of downing a bottle of aspirin before
you got here tonite. i tell her tylenol
is the killer. it's painful but it works. i neglect
to say it takes a couple of days, i neglect
to be human and tell her life's worth
living. i think one has to feel that for oneself.
besides i'm not entirely sure it is. i step
outside for another cigarette. suddenly
she projects me into her marriage, and she's on my case
about you, how maybe you were doing your best
and i just ignored the signs of your pain
but i go over how it was the weekend
i realised that we were incapable
of helping each other, and after i'm done crying
she says there didn't
that help to let it out?