the second half

the year of the fire pig.
love that still rises
from the spent rocket

i have to get clear
what it meant this meeting
how could you say to me
everyone is callous and self serving.
sure i took you in. was that a bad thing?
because i felt
i could love you, help you
and you could do so for me.
surprising misty boy
you did.
you did.

you showed me
how love is expressed
in mutual happiness
then you showed the converse.

i'm trying to run away
from blame here. i didn't trust
a pattern to break and you
could not understand why.
one day i believe you will.

we both didn't know enough about it
then got tired of trying.
there's so much you can bring
to the table but you have to realize
you have a real place there.
no one can show you that
unless you're willing to accept it.


there's a crucible you must earn
to wear it. i've already done that.
how can you ask me to go into the fire again?


it might be the year for it
and fire is always the same
isn't it but is it?

a small fire is illuminating
warm, helpful. a conflagration
can kill ya. let's keep that in mind
shall we, as we walk thru this forest?


i want you to love someone like you need to.
i want her to love you the same.
i want to love someone i can trust
similarly, and in concert. acceptance
of the cowness of comfort spiced with
drama that makes life worth living.


i had to disassociate what i wanted
from what you could give.not that you're
a bad person. just young. just still learning.
and my needs were not being met. so i began
to not meet yours. if you wanted acceptance
for who you were, how you were
how can you deny me the same?

it was the sex, let's admit it.
the bond and the breakage.
exploration of the roles of power.
power eater this is how i saw you.
sapping my will for yours.
this was our sexual ground.

you are still learning about it.
and maybe you will always be this way.
i don't know. i've never been able
to disassociate in the role. it's integral
to my spirit to close my eyes and become
the body, wholey. and what you wanted
either as dom or sub
was an escape from who you are.
or wait
you tell me to stop putting words into your head.
so what was it monkey boy?
i still don't get the attraction.

and i say we played those roles too often
and you say we played them not nearly enough.

did i mention compatibility?


















*




i'm breaking the psychic connection
it's like your cell reception now
scattered bouts of static coupled
with complete disconnect. but we can
still feel it. talk for a while.
i dn't want to see your person
until someone else is imprinted on me.


that may take a while.


but i'm going there
without you baby like how you let me
sleep alone for months, echoing
unconsciously you say
the last years of my bad marriage.
and the first. he always worked days
and i worked nites.
it's why we lasted so long.
you actually think i want to waste
the last years of my life with that?


you in your sphere and me in mine
never the two to mix and intwine?




























*









what i love about you


what i lack:
ambition
musical knowledge & obsessiveness to its detail.
your ability to surprise me
your body

what i have:
perversity
laziness\
the same world view as you
only less into power i guess
and that fascinates me , watching
the way you attempt to evince it.




oh it's too early in the day to make lists.
i know i will always love you
or at least the you as you are now
on the cusp of becoming
full of potential to spend
and you , wanting to pull it down
into the slice of a razor
the leaching of all this pain and joy.
the option
out.


































because you're impatient





















sigh.



















i need to be done with it.
like i always told you
you will have to kick your own ass.
put on the yoke, any yoke we all
have to serve somebody, even scorpions, even
if that somebody is only yourself.