five weeks, four days

he's not trying
stayed home all day
recording, his voice
the silmarillion, guitar, cioran.

i know he didn't leave
his shoes are in the same place
there's no dirty shirt lying
on the floor.

is it that he wants me to kick him out
when the time comes or
that he simply does not believe i'll do it
or is he just a cat
sitting a box, due to be opened in five weeks
four days. doesn't know if he's alive or dead.
but it seems to be working, lungs inhaling
stomach grumbling. i hope he worked it out
with his mommy. someplace to go.














((


really difficult to live with not saying anything to him.
but it's a promise i have to keep.
to say i tried everything.















"""

shaved his goatee

looks extra young now
he asks if i like what he recorded.
while he was supposed to be doing
something else. i like this song.
he asks me if i'm just saying that.
no, i mean it. it sounds good.
don't i always tell you what i think
even if it hurts you?
i hope you'll always do that
sure, unless it's something
akin to working. ican't do this anymore.
but i will. five weeks. four days.
then it's over. i think he won't
be able to change my mind. three weeks
is enough to establish a habit.
i can used to anything
that i decide against.

he needs to lose some weight anyway.





*(*(*








and that old young friend of mine.
i know that what he's experiencing towards me
disdain, a feeling of being fooled
is what's going to go thru my lover
when i have to do what i have to do.

it's for his good, and mine.
i don't want to become toxic.














8989
hah become. that's what i am
is toxic. i fuck up everything.
just by trying to let it ride
or ignoring it. my son said
he wants to give up on everything
he wants to give up the bass
because he didn't earn the grades
and i made him a deal
but i made the deal for a laptop.
he turned it into the bass.
now that he can't get it
it's my problem. he wants it
he doesn't want it.
iwish i could get him the bass.

his father's a prick.
he says so. i can't tell him
not to speak that way
b.c the man's proven it again
and again. what a loser.


how do i get this child a mentor
a realistic man who can show him
what striving will do? or a woman.
i think of his cousin, how she had
no father figure for her teens
and how she turned out just fine.
but
he's a boy, with boy things.
i know nothing about boys.
sometimes he frightens me
the way he wants to kiss me
seems covertly sensual, sexual.
he sometimes closes his eyes
puckers as if a lover.
as 2ybf.
or maybe it's all in my head.
i hope it's all in my head
or a phase we'll weather.
right now 2ybf is talking about
the finer points of suicide
or why to not do it.
or maybe why to do it.
why should i let him
do this to my son.
look at him.consistently
lositn jobs. oh my i have
to talk to him my son.
he thinks he's not going to school
tomorrow.