siren song

dear s

things work out like they work out.
i've come to an equinanimous acceptance of that fact.
you stopped being my blame long ago
it's up to you to get over your guilt
and i wish you well with that.


the occurrance of your letter
shows me that you have managed
some growth. i'm happy for you.




i feel like 's nothing i can say to you
that you won't twist to find a meaning
other than what i mean. i readily admit
that's due to my past interactions with you.

i prided myself on being able to communicate
but pride is a nasty monkey. the only thing i want
to say to you about what you're about to read
is that i'm being earnest. i'd like to give some
of my truth because you shared some of yours.

i thank you for all the lessons you taught me.
ones that i'd somehow avoided all my life
prolly because i was in a relationship so early
and yet so late. i always was, and remain
a total dork. some common sense things
about the nature of human
i refuse/d /to acknowlege or see in myself

they were painful of course
but helpful. a vector that i survived
about the dave thing
i felt and feel that in the end
we are only animals. he owed me nothing
you owed me less. lust and love
tied together. i like to be romantic
and think what a wonderful life
my pain led to, between you two.



i'm sorry if you're having problems
and i hope you can work them out.
dont be too hard on the cat.

the vilification was the worst.
it must still hurt cuz this is a
difficult letter to write
and it's because
i wanted to be your friend
but i can't be. and i know that's
not what you're asking.

i don't think i would ever
trust your motives. i doubt
dave would trust mine. i doubt
you would. we all have an eye
for the properly hoisted ironic petard.

so ultimately, the way it was
was the way it had to be.
the play penned with first
contact. in retrospect the most
astounding thing to me
was the way you carried off our
weekend together. i really don't think
you can cry weakness after pulling that off.
you're a survivor , ,and i'm glad to know it.
you have three sons to mother.
such characteristics are important.


if it makes you feel any better,
i don't lie awake
nights dreaming of how it could be
or wishing
i was still with dave. everyone knows
your first time is never repeatable.
i let my ghosts go, tho sometimes they
visit me. that dave is gone. ya know?

i try to keep that in mind when loving
the man i'm with now. some would say boy
and maybe that's all i'm capable of loving.
but he's.

perhaps i could have left out part of what
obviously is still painful. but i think
when someone is doing the alcohol's anon
they need to confront the pain they caused
which makes them still feel guilt.
the one hurt deserves to say
at least
doesn't she
this is how it felt,
i just wanted you to know


but this is how it is now.
you didn't ruin my life
i do fine with that on my own ;->
and i know you're not asking for forgiveness
heaven forbid, an apology does not
require that. the act is enough. but...


oops got a bit sarcastic there.

i think that when one apologises
one does so with the hope of forgiveness.
if not, then the apology becomes just another
selfish act. as you say, in the spirit
of the twleve step. i hope you can
forgive yourself. that's the only person
who matters here. we all harbor evil.
it depends on your point of view how it's taken.

you did what you did to protect yourself
and what you saw as a love in bloom.
or maybe you are just plain evil.
i prefer to believe that your lovely children
are not the spawn of satan.
tho i'm sure with three young boys
it must feel that way some days.


sounds like you could use a day off.
don't be afraid to ask for it.



l


wow just had a double deja vu
and here, on a day i thought i wasn't going to write.