ambition

love it when i'm bored
but there's nothing to write about.
like last week he lost another job.
political views coupled with mistakes
means johnny don't play here anymore.

at least they gave him severance pay.
i told him look, you've got a thousand dollars.
you could begin with that, somewhere else
if what you want to do is get out of this state.
all your bills are paid, it's the beginning of the month.

he always sounds like he's planning his future
which he is. he has so much of it ahead of him.
he doesn't seem to realize how mine seems cordonned off.
i can't really move. even tho the ex doesn't take care
of his kids, he would make some stink if i left.
but wait. what if. what if we were all to move
including daughter. shewants her own place very badly...
i couldn't live with my dad either. maybe it's something
inside of us. she prolly isn't ready to move.
i am so thinking of getting out of this state.
or at least the lower part of it.
today in gainseville the terrain made me homesick.
i'm tired of living in this swamp. maybe at least
move from the city.


dad said, what are all of these girls
gonna do with this education? dumbfounded
i grasped for an unargumentative answer.
bleacher seats,unpadded. bran was so cute
all hyper west girl with brains but no direction.
i can't keep a simple monolog in order.
tha't becasue i haven't been daily journaling.
i am almost argumentative about that.
the artists way quote ...it works for some.
it works some of the times for me.

there's a lot spinning in my head right now.
my too young bf loses another job. i don't like
his brand of porn. my son is turning teen.
my daughter needs some guidance but
do i have a light enough hand. we talk
things out. she sees my side more. a learn
by doing type of girl...

my too young bf should not occupy
all this attention. but to be too devoted
to son would smother him. the view from
this rope is teetery. 2ybf distracts me
enough but perhaps too much. like now,
he's gone to j to jam since i went out of town.
and he'sstill there. prolly won't be home
for hours still. j tells anyone he's with
a different story. there's something wrong
about him. something just a bit snakey.
i don't like the way he treats his wife.
just b/c hedoesn't call her that, still
it's a biker's way. get me this. do that.
fuck you. so there he is,gettin his own
imprint on how to treat yr woman
playin music. i do so think he should
take off. he thinks it's a rejection
but it's not. it's a ready to fly thing.
i just stone him down.
he needs the itch.
he's getting fat
and
lazy. i will have no kids with him.
he is all about spreading his seed.
he just won't admit it.

iluvubaby he says.
2ybf. when i go back on lava
for real, there will be a different me.
i'll have my son take the picture.
how i really am, not somebody's idea of what i'd
like to be. what i hate about myself
right now
is that need to be attractive to men.
i hope he wears it out of me.

the ceremony marshalls at graduation
wore blue gowns. orange and blue
is the color of the baccalaureate.
i love that word. it has a dionysian flavor.
the heady smell of intellect.
there were rows and rows of girls.
that's how i saw them but they were women.
my niece has done more at 21 than i have at 46.
and she has a blot clot in her left femoral vein.
my sister worries about her european trip.
the us is not as catered to as previously.
i hope she meets a man who will marry her
and take her out of this country.
otherwise she might serve the mIc.

maybe she can get out though,without a man.
look at condoleeza.


thinking out of the box
i wonder if i could put aside
all that. just give it up
and say ok, i just met this woman
and she's pretty funny. i like
her i think. she inspires my mind.

but is she still like that?

well,just as an experiment
perhaps i should
ummm, wait. the tarot bode ill.

it bode ill for her. as usual, it has both
a front and a back. justin won't ask it
questions. no clues. just a blind reading.
but of course,he concetrates onthe issue.
so it's already taking shape oh
dear. i said i wouldn't answer didn't i?
it's like that time i first heard
that which resists, persists
well , then , perhaps i'll write her.
someday. when her need is not so urgent.
i don't know why she wrote
but i'm putting too much thought into it
as well.

what i should be obsessed with is cleaning
my house. but i swear it's not fair
that i have to pick up his shit. 2ybf and son
are fuckin pigs. i've never lived in a house
of males. the cat is too. friday he
ate and ate and left all his trash, everywhere.
when he gets like that, i want him to live
somewhere else. free meal ticket reverbs
in my head. thanks dad. luv u too.

i just want bran to have some romance.
she seems like she really could.
but if it means tying her down with kids
i don't know. s thought she wanted that
i fear it was her age, biology, chemistry
that drove it. but it's not as simple
as that. once you make the commitment
once you make the choice to bring a life
into this world, you have to do everything
you can do to make that life a thing filled
with love. otherwise, orcs.


now some people like orcs. sad wide eyed schmeagals
hiding from the moon. and who am i say that
it's wrong. for me, it's just painful. and tho i like
my hair pulled during sex, not for too long.
exquisite is a razor easily dulled. orcs are slaves
to an opposite god. beauty must be painful to them.


finally finished a thought. wow. taripppy....


i wish i could talk to scar.

he was my resonator.