thunderflower , the rowley tarpaper !

she was raised aa a princess, but we forget
that princesses spoil young. i dn't want to relive
all the mistakes i made
along the
way
she doesn't
understand the way i love her wanted to indulge
her thought let her learn the way to respect
and reason. even as a child i didn't let her think
as children do. but she insisted then
as now, that she won't grow up.
take care of me. do
for me. you had me, so it's your fault
why didn't you abort me
i'm sure is in her mind
and i have to remind her tht i did
want her, all of her it wasn't guilt but desire
that had me keep you. not desire for your sire
but for you, or maybe me, i don't know i just know
that i had a conviction. you are a keeper.

o you have tested that conviction maybe i've driven
you away somewhat knowing that for you to be wholy yourself
you'd have to leave someday, want to leave
as is only right. wings are for flying.
so i let you know it was alright to leave and with that
somehow forced you to stay. to abrogate an ethic
in which you and i both disbelieve . made you want to revel
in mother's next family, mother's nest.
it could work out, but you have to get over being god.

only room for one master on a ship. and all the mates
must do their part. and ok, moving a nineteen yr old suicidal
regicidal boy in with us and having the effrontery to actually love
the child, sexually, well, let's just say mommy is kinda whack.
but it's a good kind of whack. yes, you guys have almost
the same problems, but he keeps his under control.
or are you telling me he doesn't. doesn't mean
i love you less. i just expect certain things from you.
school. work. oh i let him live here for how between or
without a job? he couldn't go to school. you can.
he looked for a job, you don't. i know it's disheartening

you feel like you've been usurped. and his love is puppydoggish.
i dunno what to do. i mean, i want devotion but this?
it's messed up. it's barthe's. gotta keep him down boy. sexually.
it's not fair for you to bring up the sexuality issue.
or is it? i duuno, i'm a dork. i dunno the first thing
about societal behaviour. pda. why not? no reason to be uptight

that's the thing. and see i never understood that it's women
who make the rules. i just haven't gotten that.

but you have. and you learned them on me. 'm itchy tonite
like a fly buzz. it's ok, i can't go there. my mind flakes out.
i don't have the rigour ot confront this. is it about sex?
i mean i excused a lot of shit from j. constantly losing his job.
constantly between them. always in debt to me. and bitchin bout money.

i was kickin him out before he attacked her. that was like
the thing that did it. i have to remember that he's still
in a place i can't save. if i save anyone it has to be s
but she can't be saved until she's been out there.
so i gotta make her go too. cuz coddling and understanding
well, tolerating, isn't working. i also understand.
but she doesn't. or maybe she does too well and she wishes
to reject life as scociety would have her. .
she's never been hungry enough.
bottom line. and then dad told her he paid
my rent! and that i moved fred in without his knowlege
on his money. what a distortion of time. dilation.
i never took rent from him. or much money after
i quit goin to skool. i honestly paid my classes
with that money. bought books. that's all he paid for.



so there was her wanting to get a free lunch
and he think\\\\\\she think ...they both hated in each
other what they themselves wouldn't change about them selves.

call in to work. get high before and drink after yeah
this is the life. what the hell did i put up with that shit for?
a chance for him to pay off that fuckin fire?

and the fire. honestly , that shit is unbelievable.
i will be paying on that for the rest of my life.
so thanks for that. n stuff. is the sex
that good? it's the love. what he knows about me
and will listen to. i told him what i told ruth
and he took offense. i said if i asked justin to work eighty
hours a week and let me stay home, he'd do it.

he thought i meant
i'd use him. i think
this might break us
and i'm ok widdat.
b/c i also told ruth i will never
love anyone like i loved dave.
so, there's that. i mean
you can leave me i won't be devastated
i will be morose but not i think
you can only go there one time.
maybe not. i mean, maybe i could with j


what drivel. am i really still talking this
teenage stuff? sigh. some of us won't grow up.