it's been 3 days of rain

 small breaks in the clouds

where i pressure wash my rugs

pray for sun.

i also cleaned the bong

washed some musty smelling 

pieces of cloth i've kept 

since before i was divorced.

the baby dresser my mom used

for her 3 girls is now back in the linen

closet, although that still smells musty.

i fill it with clean pillowcases

freshly laundered tattered doilies

embroidered one summer at gramma's

where i was sent to help 

during the endless summers peppering

my childhood. we'd open 

the china cabinet, remove the pink frosted

dutch cocoa set with 3 full 

and 1 cracked cups, 3 saucers

and an undamaged pitcher, rinse

drain, dry and dust, then return them

behind the glass doors. i have never

drank from the set though it sits

 in my own cabinet these years later.

there's nothing profound to say about this.

it's a thing we do, running from the future

tying ourselves to a past we barely 

remember. there was a silverware set

we polished every summer. 

used it at christmas and easter along 

with the good china. i don't know

what  happened to that, though

since it was worth something i assume

my mother's sister took it with her

back to the northeast

miles and miles away from where her mother

lived and left this world.

on one of her yearly treks home we

discussed it, sitting in the dining room

i said gramma's already promised it to me.

she looked it up in her antiques book 

and agreed to let me have it. i took it

long before gramma passed. just in case.

*

i haven't honored my dad's last wishes

 on the distribution of his extensive

 collection of 23 silver dollars

and 17 rolls of wheat pennies.

he cut 3 of his great grandkids

 out of the split. i just think that's so petty.

+++++

when i was a child i'd look for the hidden

meanings of lyrics in pop songs. 

they weren't so cryptic i was just young

i was left imagination and ignorance

and forced to invent a story that jibed

with my reality. honestly though i don't

have any idea what i was like back then

and i'm tired of pretending that i do.

 i was introspective, nerdy and lonely.

adrift. my best friend was a lesbian 

who was in love with me. i friend zoned her

but she knew it. she knew it. i don't think

i ever even kissed her. maybe that's why

i didn't have boyfriends? anyway

i did have sex. too many times

with too many boys in the guise of freedom

dunno why i'm on this kick,

was just thinking of alternate choices

and the paths i might have taken,

it was not so much the idea of girls

but i'd been molested by my female babysitter

when i was like, 7 ish? so i found 

i just don't like pussy from an early age.

))))))

and this is goodbye.

i'm going to z hills to see the grandkids

just cuz i want to see them.

for a while and so