not so much suicide

 for a while i have felt irrelevant

and i'm realizing that i have dreams

only work related. i mean like actual 

fucking job things that invade 

  my sleep.

so i think i maybe better off

catching the covid tho a lightening strike

would be quicker and i feel i deserve

a quick death. it's not so much

an ideation as acknowledgement

of demise. an apoptostic examination.

the organism must lose its shit somehow.

why do i deserve a quick death? are there

some who would disagree, some that would 

have me suffer for sins unto them?

i know i've been rascally at times

impatient and violent. i am, after all,

animal and therefore limited. but  mostly i think

i have been innocuous. or some other kind of meme

existent at the time. i am the woman who you saw

wrestling a teen at the side of the road on the way

to work. you didn't stop. why would you? you didn't

know how i was living with a man ahem just 4 years

her senior, mentally unstable , trying to turn

a princess into an everyday frog. wake up

sleeping beauty, ,your daddy is gone, no more kings.

*

but the thing is, i have suffered life with 

the images of this burnt-retinaed deep

into spaces i can only explore 

when allowed to dive. for if not

these tantrums would supukari me far past.

and others of shame dwell in those waters

in which i do not wish to bathe alone.

i suffer in life, why not my death be quick?

***8

i will tell you a secret

i am the lightning sprite

being hunted. and that's fine

with me. zap me out, turned head.

shit. now it'll never happen.

****8

dear r,

it stings that i'm disinvited

based on your view of me as mother

and person. it is true that i was an addict

to a street drug called quaaludes. that was

long before my children were born. let me give  

you a chance to call me a murderer as well

since i have had 4 aborttions..  i was, sadly,

both ultra horny and ultra fertile. btw, relief, each time.

i'm thinking that's neither here nor there but since

you bring up the past instead of what i apparently said

about  you that has you so angry at me, i guess it's relevant.

as for beating my children, i will say that i'm ashamed

of each time becausee not only am i against corporal punishment

they were, each time, done in a fit of rage. no one stopped me

in my fit of rage. my husband did nothing and i will say 

that on at least one occasion it was him drove me to it. 

butt i am not blaming anyone for my failure to control my own rage. 

and there is no excuse, just a reason, a rationale.  but i 

am truly sorry. i hope i would not do it today. 

i know what i said to my daughter, and i never said

anything against your parenting of him. i have applauded

your care and constancy with him, your volunteering 

time and emotion into making sure this child is safe,

feels secure. i once agreed with your effort to gain

temporary custody while ay was psychotic. i understand

why you are fearful it will happen again. she is not

psychotic any more, but she is not stable, and you 

would like to see proof stability before exposing 

s  to his mother again.  or so you proclaim. but you have not

tried to meet with her and let her see a document 

that would, as far as she knows, give up custody to you

solely and until you decide it's ok to let her have him again.

read that again.  from what you've told me and second hand

info from your dad and your auntie and while i was on it your

facebook that document says only you hold any cards. i mean 

what? you do know that she wants him back, right?

so in the eyes of the  law, she will get him. she could go

to his school and pick him up one day and disappear

and you could not do one thing about it. she's his mom.

she has his docs or can get them. then your only hope

is that she does something stupid. which she may, i mean,

she does have a mental illness.  so why would you do that?

it is your job as his temporary custodian to help reunite him

with his mother. you are failing that and i have to wonder why.

to play armchair therapist let's get to the root of this petty vindictiveness

 let's get the bottom of the need for revenge.

**

in short, this is not an apology 

at all. not to you for calling you

as best i can remember this is the worst

i said a vindictive 2 faced cunt. 

because although that may not be

first impressions you're more a victim

you certainly entertain that aspect

of your personality. i saw it when you took

that guys pc, the one who owed you 

money,broke into the email and changed

all the passwords. you did the same

to your sister. the first was pure revenge

the second, a righteous vigilante

keep the kid safe violations of her rights. 

if she ever figures it out, what betrayal of hers

matches? boom, you're even. 

you champion mental health rights

yet when faced with it from one of your own

actively work to deny her access to treatment.

because believe it or not, some aspect of her sanity

is served by being S's mom.  and maybe it's 

got to do with pregnancy hormones and maybe

it's got to do with seeing his sweet li'l face that she

brought into this world and kept safe for so long, so

longing for him, and he for her-despite his lack

of questioning after 4 months-even while believing

that she will never come back. that's what you're doing

by denying her even facetiming with him, even talking

on the god damn phone. so, what the vengenance, R?

why the hold out? something to do with daddy always 

or you're just like mom? get over the past. 

your parents are animals. a is an animal, i am

an animal, s is an animal. learn the lesson

and move foward. we are stronger together

than apart. that's what i thought you were doing.

instead you've divided the village, and you're 

looking an awful lot like cruella de ville.

i'm sorry for calling you a two faced vengeful cunt.

that other was so much more constructive /s /nr /?