burn baby burn

long term memory is known to be affected
by circadian rhythms. joey from miami
has suddenly discovered that there must
be more to life than bass hammer and buzz.

the boys cleaned my house this morning. i awoke



to sounds of mutherfuckin this n that
and i told my son to do some science.
he handed me a note about a big surprise
and promptly went to sleep. walked into the rest
of the house. the the floor was vacuumed, the toilet brushed.

to say i freaked would be a lie but
sometimes life holds things that are surprising

like this appearance on the scene of a man my age
who appears to be yang i've been needing. my mistrust of it.
the way i'm still cruising the sites as if i were looking
for someone else. i'm sure it makes him squirm
like i did, on the hook, waiting to become your mermaid.

no, not you. YOU. the composite picture in my head
of men in general based on the last few lovers and the ones
i didn't have too. my mind lover. the way this man seems
to have my role in his body. only with a cock. and how is it

that i've taken on your role so willingly. how can i be
doing to this guy what you did to me. twice. i don't get it.
is it that i cursed the universe and now she's taken
my capacity for belief? hah, that's it, blame the outside
world. nothing inner here.

i guess the question i might have is would you want me back.
i don't wanna go into a relationship with the idea that one day
we'd reunite. plus, now stupid is that whole concept? you
can't go home again.


i guess it's just stupid to keep wanting
what's past. as if you could get up out
of that coffin and dance on your ashes.
i don'tdo
well with stupid.
but it's how i've been acting.
will continue to act. deletion is
a consequence of judging your work.
always find it lacking. how to say it
in ways that might be like a push into
possibility.


*)___



sometimes when you wade thru the watery
bog next to the lake you come upon
the sapphire wings of a florescent dragonfly
shimmery as dew, a quivering of your underlip
right before you realized how impossible
this was going to be.


that was where i spent
my time, remembering green.


the intervals become as important
as the lift off . thorax
strung to belly
strung to sings as wings.
a song i've heard in three phases
none of them match yours or the quail
under glass we're having for lunch.
i'll miss you at my table. we always


we always thought there'd be plenty
but never is enough
of time to catch up with each other
we thought our children would play
with each other or at least meet
once a year at the mountains
remembering green. remembering the insect i was
the tidal wave you became. then

how we switched it up. you took the front seat
and i was the big satisfaction. i never liked
being used that way. too much effort. but i found
a nice set of handcuffs for xmas so be sure to look
under the tree.






*








i want a big bonfire
made of the manuscript we wrote.
nothing in this room remains of you
except your ghost. one or two pictures
of you scroll thru my screen saver
but really, there's nothing much left

i threw your last shoe out
when i swept my closet. i didn't
have the energy to donate
it to goodwill. even your name's
misspelled in the gardy loo flyer.
the one with the ten legged
octopus on the front.

you could never have existed except
who then gave me this sliver chain
who from, this necklace of flowers
and missing black agates?

which of you survived?

















long pause. a lesson in print.
to say confused is only partially accurate.
my heart has a pain that i put off to passing influences.
chemicals gone wrong. caffeine and nicotine and weed
slogging thru miasmic blood, giving a push
to the pump that wants to falter now,
pull into itself and sluff out a final beat.

the next phase. you were talking about agnosticism
how it appeals to you as a rational person
but you're still shopping for the fable
in which you believe. it's your time of life for that.
burn truth into you like a poem you understand
for a moment, the scent of it armies on the battlefront
of time. references that fade as animus does.
the drifting off warning, signal lights moving
further away the less you strain your eyes.
your eyes becoming me, closing.