green dot goes bang

over on skullbolt, he sez
sometimes he forgets to look up
and look around to see things poetically
or maybe not forgets but just is unable...
or maybe i'm just projecting my lack of poetics
on what he was saying. but if he said that and meant
it in the way i think he did, i can relate

in other words, poetry's gone underground.
a refugee from pragmatism. everything's a struggle
because ...i don't know why.


earlier tonite when we were talking bout things
bandy made it clear to me again how she thought
it was so wrong for me to be with 2ybf. young .
enough to be my son. in fact in 2 years i'll be twice
his age. tg it didn't come to that. i dunno if i could
have taken society's scorn. so i told her about you
and how you're age appropriate and chemically bonding
besides bein musical and just all around great.
she was all, at least he's your age, you needed someone
your age , you're better than that she reiterated.
better than....what? you dn't like thinking of me as a cradle
robber and that's the only way you could think of me
the cold shoulders we got, he and i. the disbelief
and how it infected everything we did, every benchmark
we tried to celebrate. from every angle, from each
stare, each story, each boytoy gigilo reference. as if i were
able to afford such a present. as if the only way i could
hold his love was to buy it. and in the end, that became
the reality. he stayed because he was too lazy to move on.
cuz it was easier to fuck me for a five minutes and say
i love you
than to find his own place, support his own self, fully, without
a net. which btw, it appears was always there waiting for him
when the one i was ripped. as if we were a delusion only i ws in.
i never thought of him that way. i believed the things he said to me
cuz that's what i do when i love someone. belief. wish it to be so.


zo, i esk the doctorrrr
but bandy, what if i'd told you
that he was my age, toothless, a harley rider
who parked his bike in my living room.
you'd be a bad friend if you didn't bitchslap me
to mendicino. she was all like no
it's ok if someone that age does that b.c.
they've lived, they've had experience.
i had a bf who did that once. of course i was 19.

i told her yeah
so did i , his name was (insert ex's name here)

that shut her up. made her think. a bit. i said
girl, if i EVER tell you something like that
you better just take a gun and shoot & burn me cuz
the mad cow's taken over, and that stuff's contagious


later i tell you how everyone thinks i've
got the biker girl look.
"not me" you say. "i don't see a biker girl.
i see you" with a start i realize this is true
and fall in love with you just a little more.