now i know what broken means

 snapped in half

just un der the socket no rroom

to make adjustments

and like when it mends

it's a crapshoot about freedom of movement

even with surgery

and as a 50 year smoker that's risky bizness

so i didn't have crippld on my bingo card

yet here we are

not permanently i mean i will have some useage

i just won't be able to close the overhead bin

or stuff like that. there goes my independent travel 

plans. broken means trajectories change

means mending time or throw it away.

i keep the broken things. i let them limp

along fulfilling a niche and perhaps their function.

duct tape and screws. it's what i do. 

some things aren't mendable of course. we scrap them.

i'll be able to work again.

but right now i can only move my fingers and wrist

my arm bears no weights. i can't move the muscles

or ithurts an i prolly shouldn't cua

the break moved the humerus about 5 cm 

to the left. and that' s how it's gonna heal.

miraculously grow back lizard tailish

mend on its own with fuel from my body.'

been eating a lot of tums. generic.

it means can't get up the old ways

gotta exercise muscles long atrophied

build a core, understand support and resistence

sleep on a new side,. also messes with 

brain function, stomache, bowels sciatic mood tone

just anything that makes you human.

we had a fire. well, he did. he started it!

 i have not begun a fire yet

have been a victim of 2. the first destroyed

all the stuff my gramma had left me, the heirlooms

from my past, small salvages from the wreck 

of my marriage. this one broke my arm.

both started by a man born on october 29. 

i find that ironic. not only that i'd have 2 lovers

with the same birth date, separated by 22 years,

but that they'd both begin a fire in our home. 

i slipped on the wet floor and fell hard on my right arm.

honey i broke my arm!!!

any way i'm trying to say 

how i understand why dad doesn't

wanna go thru the cancer coda.

that's prolonging the inevitable.

painfully. 

the worst part of this experience  so far is the way

my specific krohns has reacted. 

ive lost 8 lbs in a week. have to force myself

to eat. 

a good friend just called to say take my pain pills

i have hydroco and tramadol,aleve and nyquil

indica and sativa. i just want something to calm my stomach.

let me have a potsticker in peace.

let me sleep. in peace.