ubroken sonnet 6 crits
unbroken sonnet #1 rewrite, still unbroken
I like the conversational use of 'Let's' as if grabbing the reader by the lapels and saying listen, could it be done on the first line? Like:
'Let's say a thirteen year old girl's been raped (takes it to pentameter)
and let's be clear about what we mean (not quite but an idea) '
if a thirteen year old girl's raped-
and let's not banter let's mean
sex, forced/ taken down by the nape,
like?animal to master-and if?she screams
let's say a thirteen year old's raped
let's not banter, let's be clear; mean
sex- forced/taken down by her nape
animal to master. she screams
Nitpicking a little, I think I would say no sign of God instead of from beca
to no avail, no sign 0f god
to save her; say she's knocked up
in texas maybe,and she's got
spirit in her but life's locked up
and she wants to keep the baby
or put it up for adoption
or sell it on ebay, maybe-
surely she should have an option?
because when one so young's thus blessed,
she'll need help cleaning up the mess.The rhythm suffers in this line compared to the previous. Any way to rephrase?
because when one so young's thus blessed,
she'll need some help to clean the mess.
and this: in line 13, ezra suggests-or sell it on ebaythis is the only part I'm less sure about, the intent seems to be to portray the desparate straits that misogynistic laws place people in, except in these instance eBay (and CraigsList) seem to be tied more to child slavery these days than desparate victims, but that may just be one opinion, maybe-
but i think i'll keep abortion out of it, that was my intent-to portray the choices that are still available--, yes, even the ebay or craigslist auctions, when abortion is out of the picture. yet i want to have it IN the picture somehow, so that is why the question of choice.
so this is rev 2 sake version
let's say a thirteen year old's raped
let's not banter, let's be clear; mean
sex- forced/taken down by her nape
animal to master. she screams
to no avail, no sign 0f god
to save her; say she's knocked up
in texas maybe,and she's got
spirit in her but life's locked up
and she wants to keep the baby
or put it up for adoption
or sell it on ebay, maybe-
surely she should have an option?
because when one so young's thus blessed,
she'll need some help to clean the mess.
now where to submit?
posted by hiccup at 7:01 PM
8 Comments:
after a recent venture into prose, it seemed to me simply that doing it was enough, that no publisher wants more than 8k words anyhow, like stories can't decide how many words, only editors can do that. so it's done and over with, and i'm content to just have it near, and change a word now and then, and just love it for what it is, and all the editors can cry someday because they thought it was too long to be a story. what i'm trying to say is fuck critics, let 'em eat shit and die. dancer
so i don't know dancer. i like feedback, constructive crit. some of it i take, if the poem wants it, some of it i set aside. but i consider all of it, even the ones who tell me to use punctuation better or more consistently or for god's sake in this day and age tell me to use caps. martinets, fuck em. because if i get a lot of that, then the poem is probably only intelligible to me. i think the crits helped this poem, which is why i posted them as well.
try berkeley poetry review
i have had editors work over my stuff, and generally i have caved in to the suggestions, but i think if we work over something for long enough we can change it into something else, and drown out the yelp it started with. xo
what if you used it just like this with all the crits and highlighting and called it "clean up the mess" . jk but not really. : )
tasha is rite.
tasha and jimmy, i could do that, see if someone would take it. or maybe i go post it over on ello for the fux of it. ya'll ever go there? i think we should use it. follow the link. i'm lynzepoet.
i thought i opened an account at ello but i'm not sure. just made myself a cup of hibiscus tea i feel like death, of course because i have the next 2 days off, every time i have a day off now i am sick. like the flu shot already wore off and i am getting some weird spring snot cold. dancer! (((dancer))).. mailed u a real snail mail to concord, box 441 and it came back to me, said u moved. so where are u now? i always think about u in dec cuz i remember your birthday. okay see u guys at ello
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