lithopedion

you understand how some people
think any flash of light is an angel
--from an ode to stone


when i was just married, my husband
like so many, was called away to fight. there
will always be war, i said, what about the baby?
he laughed, told me don't worry, we will
have these men's heads in our hands
and i will return before that child is born.
then he left me in the spring. by summer
my belly was full,
but not ripe. i hadn't felt
the quickening, so i visited the midwife.

she laid her hands on
 my belly, put her ear to it
for a long time then
 pulled away, lips pursed,
have you been aware of any strange
lights about your home?
unexplained flashes as if from a mirror
or some shiny bauble but when you look
nothing's there?

i confessed to sleeping, mostly.
but what do you dream? she
 was rubbing the mound, up and down
fast and hard as if to draw out fever,
stop! i begged. you'll make the baby come.
i don't think so, she whispered. go home.
write down your dreams
 and come see me next month,.
send for me if you need to,
i won't, i assured her,
not until he comes home



~~~~~~~~

from the dream journal

i was calling you, my love, in a field
of poppies. they were all red. i called
over and over because i knew you were near
but you didn't answer. the moon was rising
though the sun had not set. you must
 answer me, i  hear your laughter
feel your heat, i called for you again
and again. when the sun set,a second moon
 was revealed in the darkness above
 its last light. it had wings
and flew to my hands. i cradled it
smiling. o husband, look
what we have done.
across the open field, a flame
appeared. it wavered and moved
toward me. i wanted to protect
the moon so i ran into the midwife's house
and woke up.




()

i was a child but not a girl. i knew this
because i was on horseback, hunting,
still i feel like myself. dogs bay deeper
in the forest and i follow their cries.
  the hoof beats of many hunters
are hidden by the thicket.
the baying rises, i'm certain
 they've  holed the beast and i spur my mount.
the first to arrive, i pull up short
shield my eyes from a terrible glow.
there is a sword, shining in the air
and behind- an angel with a bloody wing.
i wake up suffocating, throat clenched,
gravel in my voice,mumbling repeatedly
i have no way to mend you



*(*(




this afternoon i dreamed of playing
hopscotch with baby head markers





*(*(*(*


in my dream tonight i couldn't move.
everything was dark and a terrible silence
clove to my ears. then a hum started
i can't say it was high or low but
it comforted me some. it was moving
like a train track does before you can hear
the way steel grinds and rubs gliding
across its parthenogenic ice rink
singing like an angel with a mandolin
on mesqal and crutches.





###


when i went to the midwife
she read my dreams and asked does
 the baby ever move?
 i said not that i notice.
 it should move!
she said. you don't measure
any bigger. any bleeding?

only in my dreams.

i think it may be dead, she said.
you should stay here
 and take this potion
 let's get it out of you.

no,no. i shake my head. she's
 just waiting for her daddy
to come home. he said she
wouldn't be born before
 he comes home.
so we'll wait. i smile
cradle my belly.
we'll wait.








*(**


this morning i woke up to the cows
lowing for hands . i dreamt you'd come
home and our daughter was out
there with you learning how to milk
she is so lovely now with your eyes
and my chin. lucky she got my mind.
you never could handle books properly,









*"""





tonight was bad. it's still dark out
but i can't go back to sleep.
i can't even write down
the horror that visited.
i want to talk about something
other than dreams, what do they
mean anyway? some say witches
can cast spells on you. the midwife
has potions. i don't know if i trust
her . it's not just this dream
it's the way she already thinks
you may not be perfect
how she doesn't understand
 that you know
you have to wait for daddy
because he promised something
and he doesn't break
his promises.












*(((------





when the time was near the midwife
came to my house. any pains?

no, i'm fine.

you're the same size!
let me listen to your belly.
she pulled out a stethoscope.

where did you get that thing?
 i recoiled, the metallic cold
gave me goosebumps.
though it was round
it felt like a knife.

she didn't answer but continued
moving it over my belly, my child.

there's nothing moving! no sounds!
she prodded,pinched, poked
 at my baby, who bore
it with stoicism. her daddy
 would be so proud.
you need to let me
get it out of you. it's not good
for it stay in there. you won't be able
to have more children !

she's just waiting for her daddy i said.
there will time for siblings.
it's ok, really. i talk to her, we're doing fine.
she likes okra and spinach and oatmeal.
and cheese. she loves curds and whey.

what if her daddy doesn't come home?

just come back when he does. we won't
need you till then.





*(*(*



the ladies in town speak to the midwife
they speak the doctor
who assure her that these cases
though rare, are not life threatening.
who will tell her the war is over?
surely she reads the papers.







****








from the dream journals




we were near a river
the light was playing
off her hair in ripples
that moved like a symphony.

you and i lay on blanket
eating red grapes and apples.
the poles waved gently
with the current and the wind.

why don't the fish bite!
she demanded, stomping
 her little foot. the ground
 opened up where it hit
and we all slid into the earth
to a cavern where we became
stalactites forever growing slowly
towards each other, like rabbit teeth.




~


we are at the river again.
there are boats and we have baggage.
she's not feeling well, i have to carry
her everywhere because you are
wearing your sword and armor again.
the glare from the river is blinding.
i close my eyes and see a halo
in the afterglow. when i open them
she is  a milky white opal.
and that is what we name you.









**)))




in town they look at her
from the corners of their eyes.
sometimes her tales of his
return are just too much
 to listen to. it's sad
 she lives in such  delusion
that baby dead inside
 her all these years.
if medicine couldn't
 cure this it would be one thing
but for her to cut off
 her life so young, waiting
for a dead man's return
carrying what must
 surely be stone by now
by choice,
 well
the ladies    turn away.







***000

the midwife still visits
one time after  the war
dead  had been announced

and my husband was
   not on any list 

we stood on the porch

as the sun crawled away
from midday towards evening. 

looks like rain, observed the midwife.

i better get home soon. 

i cradled opal, glanced
 at the clouds
 o think you'll be fine

you have an escort

in the gap between
two fast moving cumulus
an angelic form coalesced
it held an object which the four

oclock sun set ablaze. 

it wasn't a sword, the midwife peered.

it seemed to be a stone, held high above

his head, gathering sunshine in jagged
facets  to light the way home.