pull the trigger, you're born

k so, my daughter has a child now, and what i'd tell her
if she'd listen is "forgive yourself". she knew parental love
at a  younger age than i. whatever nuture you knew as a child
  will be the one buzzing around your window
with stingers and desire .  momma and daddy can't give enough -
 disappointment is a renewable blade
in the life of prince and princessa. that's
just how it is. so forgive your self and this want
that you brought here. you did your best.
unless you're an addict that neglects your kid.
you gotta stop that, get your shit together. today.
or give em up. don't kill them. that's just wrong.
you don't have the right.

or do you? i mean if we say you brought this need into world
now deal with it because we don't want to feedhouseclothe it
then don't you have the right to kill it,as long as you take yourself along?
you can't leave yourself behind you know, self preservation or not
i mean come on, once is a mistake but twice would be a crime.
gangsta has its own rules i guess.


that's what i mean about the wasp outside your window.
you can close it off, you can keep it at bay but it's there
to sting if you open up. you can live with its
buzz and bite, can't you? slap the dog or the kid they gotta learn
who's king round this place. queen. whatever.
it's nature. that's nurture babee.

so yeah, i don't go there, really. a petty thief is what i am.
i steal things you won't
 miss, or if you do
 you can't prove it
waa me..
i house, feed and occasionally bathe
my brats, and i love them
don't you lay a hand on them, unless
 you're babysitting then
you can be my pinch hitter, give them
 the proper pop.  i clean up construction sites
at night. i could be  a dancer but i gotta
stay away from the drugs.
 for my boys. you know,  anyone
 can take a block of cheese  from the store
 or an air tool to pawn.  i pay the sitter 20 a day,
 30 for nights. there's a character,
my sitter.
 i had to stay with her for two weeks after
 my babies' daddy threatened to kill them if
we came back from the pizza place. he was crazy mad,
hunter was whining since we got home
and i just pulled the hot pizza from
the oven and put it on the table when he flipped
the whole thing  over . "just shut
 the fuckin kid up!
 shut the fuck up!"
 he screamed
in hunter's face  which of course made hunter cry even louder and i said well i guess i gotta go get moreand that's when he said it.so i  grabbed the boys,  my purse and phone and left. i ain't going back, i told them while we ate little ceasar's in the parking lot. we can get your stuff later, but right now  we gotta find a place to stay.
so i called her.
my sitter,told her what happened.
 we ellll she said
you can stay here tonight. we slept on her floor for a month
bought food for the entire  house, numbererd:
her, her four year old daughter,  her baby daddy,
 her  seventeen year old  stepson and his girlfriend,
and the guy they met
 while fishing down at rocky creek
who was sleeping on the couch.
she has  a single wide trailer
 with two bedrooms. her daughter sleeps
 behind a makeshift wall that cuts off half
the living room. there was a single
 mattress  on the floor
for me and the boys. hunter was in love
with her  snotty nosed,tangled hair, mulberry stained
daughter, she always smiles. i think she is an idiot
i worked  everydamn day that month
 to get out of there.  when she asked
 for more money,
 i broke down
and asked my mother to let us stay
 with her for a while. i couldn't believe
she said yes. i spent eleven years in foster  homes
because that bitch was so strung out
 she couldn't even get us
 ramen noodle soup or get us
off to school. she was quick
with a fist though. once my younger brother
 woke me up with a smack in the face.
i sat up with my hand raised but he said mom's dead. in a really flat voice. i believed him.  you wish i said.and  no, she wasn't dead. just passed out colder than he'd ever seen her.i knew enough at eight to dial 911. lucky for us, i guess, she'd paid the phone bill. otherwise we might have had to stay in there till she woke up or escape out the window  on bed sheets tied together, i don't know. the door was deadbolted triple locked and and chained.  i didn't know where she kept the key. this woman
is still alive
 because jail was  her
cold turkey. after the state finally
took  us, she got into hooking
ended up killin her pimp. she was always
quick with the fist. 15 years
 second degree murder. she only drinks, now.
but i don't trust her. she's still wiry
 and she drinks like a 12 pack a day
after she gets home from her rehab
 sponsored job at the shrimp factory
.she says it's better
 than the prison laundry.she likes
the temperature change. she watches tv
 in her bedroom with the door closed, but
 i still feel like the kids are too loud.
 hunter whines
everytime i go out of the room, even
 to the kitchen three feet away. james
 is a little brute that plows through everything
but he hugs his brother,  to get him to stop.
 when that doesn't work
gives him a pop. i
 haven't worked in three days.
 my truck blew up.mom gives me a look
 when i tell her. she thinks
 i should dance.you got the body,
 she says. even after two kids. raises
 my shirt above my belly, tickles the flat spot.
 it shocks me
 i'm always expecting the fist.