independence

something about a holiday in the middle of the week
makes me want to simply curl up and sleep it away.
maybe that means i work too much.  i like to be
at the beach on this day, in a rented room, with waves
signalling  wake, shush, take a break. but no room
today. last year there were stars in the ocean and lies in my ears
but this year reality is back in the saddle, no probs.
current you, as opposed to previous objects de mi affeciones
(i could totally get into a patios of english, french and spanish
throw in some italian, sprinkle of german, i'd prolly recognise it
sooner or later. any way...) rakes leaves in a rental house
broker than even myself, with the  same problem childs
and same problemas de mentos y problema de ambition.
that's the way i damp ignition. the house i'm in rattles and shakes
with the washer's journey. got some fifth exotic music expelling
from speakers, its warp tuned into mine. don't care if i get outside
or save my grandbaby from her fate of a  mother oh mother
how did you leave so gradually that i'm missing you still, forty
years and a bad life later?

meh, don't feel so much bad as useless. jeanie and i discuss
assisted suicide, burdens, the way to do it right. is this what
my old age is to be?  a long slow ramble into convincing
myself to snuff before i get to the stuffed wheelchair age?
hopefully the cancer will take me quick. heh. wish there were a time
donation machine, i know a lot of people who'd put theirs
to better use than i've put mine, it would be cool to be able to leave
something worthwhile behind. but i don't mean to be morbid.
i mean, i've been saying for years.that life doesn't have to have a point
doesn't have to have meaning, make meaning from the daily.

the only meaning i've been able to make lately  has mold in its crevasses.
ants on its counters. unpaid electric bills. no secret to living says the song
just keep on walking. and dying/ just keep flying.

"I wanna die in place that don't know my name."
well, welcome to the world. lonely soul by unkle
the gods always laugh at me in the soundtrack