strategically mystic

i don't know if it's one moved out
and one moved in that's the problem  or
i just need to get a grip.

every time i have to relearn the lesson
become what i wanted to be when i left
childhood and became a woman. sometime
next week i think.

i  do know that someone's playing loud music
somewhere in this park/ and i wish i could find
a buyer for this home cuz i just want to walk
away from it.  you can have it cuz the rent
keeps goin up. i want to move to st pete or seminole
where the light has  water in it. get a one bedroom
place so the kids can't come back home
home is breaking my back. get rid of the things
that bind me, surely as i rid myself of childhood
the childish marriage and all  memories of the place
i've spent most of my adult life attending.

this is the time to fly. i'll get there.
midlife crisis deux in the  making.
doubt my job will survive.
my hope will be in my new one.

pack your bags babies cuz moms is movin out.

so that was a prophecy.
the story we tell ourselves
is the one that comes after the wave
when we can change it and make it
into what we wanted when we
onced upon a time.


it doesn't have to be just like the moment
recursive , bandoliered.

it's cool to watch the brain disintegrate.
memories rewritten the way you want them to be.









)((

my daughter is a witch.
she wears a white hat with a black band
around it. a man's hat. cocked on the side.
it cost   two dollars
at goodwill. made of paper.

she's angry at me for letting her out
into the world. for not caring
and for blaming her for all the evils
in our family.  she grew strong
when i left the marriage.  she took
my place and  his place and revelled in it.

manipulation of the situation.
but that's ok, to be expected from
a girl whose mother was too broken
to care. she doesn't look broken.
but she is.

if i could write to her again...


dear you,
it's hard for me to plead my case
with you. every step of my life
was fraught with bad decsions 
which ended up harming you,
and that, i never wanted.
just as you love your daughter
that's how i loved you as a baby.
i hope your own love remains as great
as  mine for you, still, today.
i don't let you live here because i owe you
i let you live you here because you need a place
to recover from the lack , the missing, the gone
of your youth. i have that now, please, recover.
embrace your  life,  harness your potential
which is greater than you can know
until you do it. lol a thing i didn't do
but am happy to facilitate for you
because that's what moms want to do
for their daughters.   it's not
about debt and forgiveness
or guilt and blame

the wind blows, time flows
thru a fault of being
that follows its nose.

:)