paramecium

so i found a new dating site.
it will get me used to flesh time rejection.
one guy, i mailed him and he said since i live
in the next county he's discounting me.
well, we all have to have our filters.
instead of trying to convince him otherwise
i let it go. for me, that's progress.
now, why am i looking in dating when i already
have a date and a meet up? well, obviously
i don't think they're gonna work. which is really
cynical to be even thinking of going out with them.
but i'm open minded i scream to the internal editor.

i tried to im with like 5 men, but no go.


also wrote a couple other guys whose profiles
seemed rather interesting, as if , if they're
for real then i would like to meet them
just to see if sparks will fly.


also found out there's a five date rule.
woah. didn't know that. i think a one month min rule
is better. rulez. rulez rulez. sigh.
but i guess you can't help how you feel.


last nite after talking with you
i was so happy i didn't succumb
to the flesh. i came home and looked deeply
at the person in the mirror. i decided i like
what i see, even the wrinkles. this was after
i tried to use my mental powers to erase them.

this morning of course, all that feeling is gone.
and it's not morning.

meds, i always need meds. it helps to show me
the path i need to take. we were talking about love.
and i believe love is a place of commitment.
of living your life for someone else.
he told me he couldn't make any promises
which means he
but anyway, the sex was not compatible.
i have to remember that. and for him
sex is what it's all about. i mean
look at the age. sigh. cry.

oy lyzne why do keep going there?
over is over is over.
he didn't also understand living
for someone else. iow, dying for someone
is actually an easy thing. i'd take a bullet
for you etc. but to live for someone
to get up daily and want to make
their lives one
of joy , that's love. of course that
gets wearing when they can't understand
or give that back.


one guy did IM me. a poet. songwriter.
2fukin4. wanted to smoke with me
on the smokey beach, fuck in the sand.

i told him i'm trying to wean myself from young men.
and i am. i really am. all the guys i emailed
are >40. so that's all good. even had this artist
looking at me twice and i didn't go there. 29. 29.
oh i remember 29. hi 35.



anyway, i'm not in a poem mood.
i'm skittering along the surf, on the top
of the water, breaking in the waves.

i wish i could write all those poems
i had last nite. or rather really early this am.

why are people so dismissive?
lol. you know why. time is a precious commodity.
stop wasting it.