benjamins holdens & toms

here's one i wrote recently. i personally don't think it will need some explanation. ok, there's some time twists, some jumping around but unlike my inscrutable pieces, this one has a pretty straightfoward message.


mowing it down

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you viscerally understand what will kill you
like the smell of cigar smoke
and stale pussy. the clove imprint the coffee shop
where you play chess with abandon, skirting
the rules then abnegating to them. i love language.
why can't i remember more of it? lead poison.
poisonne is chicken in french. we agreed to learn spanish
and move to barcelona last nite. that's the closest
we'll ever be to it. then. just then. the traveling steam
of a cuppa in the cold morning air. the boy with the short
dreads belting passion into the mild fla december
and you and i driving away from this knowing
this cone of silence that surrounds our union, the implicit
tone of the stares. one day that will bother you.
when i'm fifty four and the crevasses abut my glasses
and you still being carded. thwarted. you got it right once
over the phone where we should be having this
over the phone when we were where we should be
you told me so this is what life is ay?
moving from one heartbreak to the next.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

writing always has an effect on me. i find that i reveal things to myself which i hide on a moment to moment basis.

i was not going to smile back at you last nite. not because you didn't seem interesting but because i don't want a purely sexual relationship. but then you got me in dating which is a weakness of mine on lava. if someone actually contacts me on the dating line then i have to check it out.

i go on lava for chat. not cyber. i go on lava to continue my study of the human male. i am currently in a relationship of which i am very very ambivalent, but since i don't have icewater in my veins, i want to believe that all you need is love. sometimes, as witnessed above, my belief is challenged by reality.

i like the honesty i have found in strangers who are not looking for any thing from one another. this is another reason i go on lava. i find that sometimes you can meet such a person there. when that happens, when i'm up front, and they're up front, then we can talk to each other one human to another. i find that fascinating.

and i suppose we are all, if we're in the game in the least bit, looking for something from one another, even if it's only an understood point of view. i mean, i 've read nietzsche, internalized a lot of what he said vis the animal capable of promises.















*





she beats you up and you feel you deserve it
it wasn't enough before, she couldn't get to that level
of abuse. she became the victim as soon as she caused
you to strike. poor scorpion, teased into suicide.

i like ambiguous writing. does it mean this or this
and the yes which goes along with it.

you called me tinkerbell. yes, and my peter
always in love with some goddam wendy i hope you stop
believing in faeries cuz i want to die.
vishnu is the god of creation
and shiva the god of destruction/rejuvenation
even the pot god has a name
so i will take my faerie dust to all of these
and ask for a new skin. new mask. i don't want



to deconstruct myself while i'm still alive
i want a bit of recombination in the dawn.
it gives me comfort. a sense of history. a sense of continuation
a tethering on sensitive slopes. if i were a different
person, say an ex lover, i might believe you were courting
me, sporting with me, just to watch me writhe
when you slice me with my proffered nail. but i am not

so paranoid. i chose to believe the more jesuish brand of connection.
lol. and if that makes me naive, then so be it. a chosen naif. believing
always even after proven wrong time and again
in the utter goodness of most initial action.
wot a sot.


ok, goota go do some mommy time.
its the most challenging part of my day.