rizla

the spanish rice
papers are 99cents

i miss you.
but you knw what? not
all that much. plus
when you talk about a girl
here and girl there
i k now you'll be fine
you'll fall right back
into that space we lived
with another. hope her neck
fits better.

my pain is almost gone.
my body tried to tell me
with the ache but i weren't
lissenin. listen in

today i'll find my new place
rent a two bedroom and sleep
in the common room. i can keep
it up to my specs. mostly.

i mean, why do i need a bedroom?
there will be scant fucking for me
and if i want it, the man betta have
a place...

i just like to have my own bathroom
honestly, that's why i want a room
if i could tell j to use s's then
i would. but that won't happen.



a gnat circles in the pale
light from the window.
there is a triangle of outside-
bottom right corner, revealed
by the hanging cloth
which serves as curtain. i'll be
so glad to leave this place.


i have never really understood zero
every seven years your body renews its cells
does this time period begin at conception
or 3 months. i mean, cells...i mean
time... imean body.


we talk about abortion
i tell him i have had them
and i've carried kids
i've felt the invasion
and the quickening.




the rose is embued with scent
after it blooms.

he thinks for a moment, eyes shift
to some realm he hadn't considered.

'i would have what,
5 or 6 brothers & sisters?'

hmm, maybe more, the number
is not important. the point is
i learnt my lesson and after
i had you, i made sure i wouldn't have
to make that choice again.

so you were an accident but
i wanted you. you were planned
as in, i'm keep ing this one.

so yes, it is my fault
you came into this world prepare
yourself now
for teen angst.










0909


hey, scar

how comes the battle?
are there dreamlike states where
existence is fine? watching
the novel unfold, ham on the table
cake in the oven? last nite
we watched die mommy die
that was a choice you don't see
everyday, the making of that movie.

transvestite plays twin child singers
all grown and up halved, one talented
and famous one reduced to desperation
who kills the other and takes over her
life. the afterman. jason priestly plays
sex in all its forms except the incestuousness
between daddy and sister mommy and brother
who is gay
by the way
setting is early to mid sixties
period piece nicely done
cop carz n moto cycles
acid trip
anal
and
oral
sex
scenes

i watched it with my 11
year old boy. hmmmm.
is that a good idea?
idunno, i think it confronted
some major issues
that have been goin on around heah.

young lover
controlling dom father
ineffectual feeling brother
controllin bitch sister
semi talented sacrificial mom

better than bang em up video
style megaton blasters they call
movies.

when the sex scenes came on
mostly flash pics n innuendo
i told him sex scenes
close yr eyes.


what makes this movie
different from all the other
bs tv shows is the choice
of actress for the mom
a transvestite. not transsexual
you could always see his five
o clock shadow. i didn't look
for the adam's apple i
always forget about that so many necks
buried in flesh. the movie
opens with him lyp synching "why not me"

and if that is not a classic
it must have been. belting show tune//
actress conforming to mommy.

why do i care that demi
lost her n ashton's baby?

its a tragic foreshadowing
me n he were a tragedy
waiting to happen. but
i am not into the tragic aspect.
it was time for him to move on.

will i see him again?
time will tell. prolly.
um
or not.


listen i told him
i'm not shutting any doors
but you're not ready
to walk thru mine yet.


when they want to cheat it's time
to review the whole contract.

so demi maybe got smart i dunno
or maybe she was never pregnant
tabloids are so bullshit

maybe this will strengthen
what they have maybe they will
try again. she's prolly a pretty good
mom. i feel that about her
but i could be wrong.

it is of course or rather was
a parrallel to my life. on a grander
scale, more money but i imagine
the fears were much the same.
her aging
his adorability

and as in that movie
you can never understand
the attraction until
the young lover admits it--

she's an enchantress
she weaves a spel


and i think well, isn't that what
guenivere did? or all women
for that matter: helen, elizabeth,
demi, myself? we imagine a future
and the players gather around us
the director ship is unconscious
travels in whale song beneath skin

and jenni she is so worthy
of love. hard bitten twice shy
you know? it is good that you
care for her. let her grow
into the woman she wants to be.
poet,artist, mom. keep helping her
find herself. and jenni, jack
keep helping him. forgive him his maleness
he cannot help he was born
as such. they can be
compassionate creatures. justin was
so like him. aching with the burden
of the world.









((((((



as if know anything really
i look thru a lens of love
when i'm high. when not
i fear. so , it takes away
my fear. so.




it's time to wake the boy
go find a new house for
this home.