wild as close

i can detach for only so long
the ache in my left side under
my breast belongs to stress
and stretching muscle, a tear
in the fabric of time that is mine.

neon and chambric postulations
in the winding of what's real
and what's imagined. tonight
you chat with new women, all well

and meh, but still, i'd like my own
computer, in my room, where i pay for it
to be, waiting to fulfill my desires
not yours. the slave would like her
soma now. to wait for even ten minutes

seems like stolen things seems like dis
respecting the hands that hold the fire.
the hands the work the fire the immolation
of the slave's desire. desire desire.

i wanted to drink tonight. maybe i did
want to have it out with these boys
pretending to be men, i can't say all i know

is that i have little patience today
for all the twigs thrown upon my path
the things designed to be good enough
the unforgiven detritus meshed underfoot.

oh, sorry, did i forget to step around
that piece of fragile you left on the floor.
wondership and ownership. a greeded pile
in the book of the now. what if i'd had
the perfect poem in my head and lost it
because you were on my computer. you have
one of your own. you have one of your own
you have one, why do you have to use mine?

if i say it three times
maybe it will sink in
i've pissed off my son
and he's wrong to be
except he hates it when
i'm all pissy. it's ok
for him to be all pissy
but not me. i'll be better
when you're gone because
i don't think it's fair
for you to keep using me this way.
fair fair fair. such an
adolescent idea. as if.
life just is. it just moves
thru these troubles, so hard.
if you want fair, you have
to find it in yourself.
i can't stand to live on charity.
i guess that's the difference
between me n you. you want to.
as if you're owed it because
you're born. i can't get that.
at some point you have
to accept that death
don't want you
yet.


there's some lessons
you need to learn. i have
to ash this cigarette.

for instance i am not magnanimous.
i just understand to a certain point
the way life can get cha down. i hope
one day to be repaid in kind
when i need it. we are here to help
each other. merilee, she needs
help now and i can't do it.
i have flat run out of help
at the time when it's needed most.
is this the change we're talkin bout?

escape is impossible. i do love the boy
but. i can't see the inevitable not happening.
that's just the way the river flow. now is the time
for a handout, indeed. i've always been
the soft touch, the sucker. you never were.
you kept the sheep at bay. but i know a man
i dunno if he's like you or me. there
has to be a balance between helping others
and the thing you can say mine about.

fair. earned. ok, if you dn't have it
and i have excess then i can give, unresentfully.

but if you wanna slack cuz you don't feel
like playin the game? i'm weary of the coin role.
i'm running out. food, smoke, smokes, free
internet, fee free. you got yourself in this mess
why do i have to get you out? damn man.
bad luck sucks but it's time u distinguished
between luck and choices. you chose to remain
ignorant of the workings of finance
and think some magic genie gonna fill your bank
account with money to cover the debits
you took when you lost your job again for the fortieth
time this month or the check you kited
in a drunken stupor for more booze i dunno man
this is a mess you pushed yourself into
with no help from anyone because you want
to be ignorant and free and an artist.
but someone else gotta pay your bill.
like, sigh? get real boy.
i'm done two weeks ago.
now it's three. i need relief.
plain and simple. without you
in my bed in my head in my life i want out
of what could never be, despite the beauty
of your eyes, bit by bit, a rabbit lashed
stereo concordance. immolation in the aftermath.
this is not the way i can live.
if you were a woman, and i were a man
i would feel the same way. i wouldn't support
a woman. i wouldn't. unless we decided
that we wanted kids. and then only for a few years.
i wouldn't want a woman who was satisfied
with being only mom. i think . if i were like i am
now. i wouldn't want a man who'd be satisfied
with that too. i didn't want to kick the dog
when i came home tonite
but when the dog kept humpin my leg
i kicked him. i just wanted my own
computer, in my own room, in my own house
that i slave for. i slave for it. not the dog.
jeeze.